GoobNet

GoobNet menu

GoobNet

THIS SITE FUELED BY LOUD ORBITAL MUSIC

WEEKLY WHINE

The Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup

There are a number of highly ranked teams that failed to qualify for the 2018 Men’s World Cup, such as Italy, the Netherlands, Chile, and the United States. Whilst they may wish to avoid the public spotlight and the ridicule that comes with it [“Ha ha! Trump made America outcasts again! Sad!”], we believe that in the long run, these teams will be better served by getting out of bed, putting on their kits, and playing some matches in June.

Traditionally, in the weeks before the Men’s World Cup, teams that fail to qualify play friendlies against the teams that did qualify. The teams that did qualify get to test themselves against opposition of a quality similar to their upcoming opponents, and the teams that did not qualify get to remind the world that they still exist.

However, the US Soccer Federation and Soccer United Marketing are exploring the possibility of hosting matches next summer involving other teams that were eliminated from the qualifiers, such as Italy, the Netherlands, and Chile.

Naturally, therefore, we asked the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] to draw up the rules and regulations for such a tournament. You may now behold the rules and regulations that they came up with.


1. NAME

This tournament shall be known as the “Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup”.

Bender Bending Rodriguez: I’m going to go build my own theme park! With blackjack! And hookers! Bender Bending Rodriguez: In fact, forget the park!

2. LOCATION

The Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup shall be held in the United States and Canada at the following locations:

  1. AT&T Stadium, Arlington, TX, United States
  2. Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta, GA, United States
  3. Stubhub Center, Carson, CA, United States
  4. Soldier Field, Chicago, IL, United States
  5. Mapfre Stadium, Columbus, OH, United States
  6. Metlife Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ, United States
  7. Gillette Stadium, Foxborough, MA, United States
  8. BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston, TX, United States
  9. Children’s Mercy Park, Kansas City, KS, United States
  10. Orlando City Stadium, Orlando, FL, United States
  11. Providence Park, Portland, OR, United States
  12. Levi’s Stadium, Santa Clara, CA, United States
  13. Centurylink Field, Seattle, WA, United States
  14. Stade Saputo, Montréal, QC, Canada
  15. BMO Field, Toronto, ON, Canada
  16. BC Place, Vancouver, BC, Canada

3. PARTICIPATING ASSOCIATIONS

  1. PARTICIPATION CRITERIA. National associations that failed to qualify for the 2018 Men’s World Cup may enter their men’s representative teams in the Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup.

  2. NUMBER OF TEAMS. Sixteen teams shall participate in the Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup.

  3. INVITATIONS. The following national associations shall be invited to enter their men’s representative teams in the Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup:

    1. Cameroon
    2. Canada
    3. Chile
    4. Côte d’Ivoire
    5. Ecuador
    6. Ghana
    7. Ireland Rep
    8. Italy
    9. Netherlands
    10. New Zealand
    11. Northern Ireland
    12. Paraguay
    13. Scotland
    14. Syria
    15. United States
    16. Wales
  4. SEEDINGS. Participating teams shall be seeded based upon the World Football Elo Ratings as of FRI 17 NOV 2017.

4. TOURNAMENT FORMAT

  1. ELIMINATION FORMAT. The Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup shall be played in elimination format, with classification games for losing teams such that all teams play a total of four matches.

  2. FIRST ROUND. Eight matches shall be played in the first round, each between two of the participating teams. The eight winners shall advance to the quarterfinals. The eight losers shall advance to the first classification round.

  3. QUARTERFINALS. Four quarterfinal matches shall be played, each between two of the participating teams. The four winners shall advance to the semifinals. The four losers shall advance to second classification round group A.

  4. SEMIFINALS. Two semifinal matches shall be played, each between two of the participating teams. The two winners shall advance to the final. The two losers shall advance to the third place match.

  5. FINAL. The winner of the final match shall be awarded the Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup and shall be declared the first placed team. The loser shall be declared the second placed team.

  6. CLASSIFICATION ROUNDS. Three classification rounds, involving teams that lost in previous rounds, shall be played.

    1. FIRST CLASSIFICATION ROUND. Four matches in the first classification round shall be played, each between two teams that lost in the first round. The four winners shall advance to second classification round group B. The four losers shall advance to second classification round group C.

    2. SECOND CLASSIFICATION ROUND. Six matches in the second classification round shall be played.

      1. GROUP A. Two matches in classification group A shall be played, each between teams that lost in the quarterfinals. The two winners shall advance to the fifth place match. The two losers shall advance to the seventh place match.

      2. GROUP B. Two matches in classification group B shall be played, each between teams that won in the first classification round. The two winners shall advance to the ninth place match. The two losers shall advance to the eleventh place match.

      3. GROUP C. Two matches in classification group C shall be played, each between teams that lost in the first classification round. The two winners shall advance to the thirteenth place match. The two losers shall advance to the fifteenth place match.

    3. THIRD CLASSIFICATION ROUND. Seven matches in the third classification round shall be played: the third place, fifth place, seventh place, ninth place, eleventh place, thirteenth place, and fifteenth place matches, with the participants described above. The winner of the nth place match shall be declared the nth placed team. The loser of the nth place match shall be declared the n+1th placed team.

5. SQUAD LISTS

  1. SUBMITTAL DATE. Thirty days before the start of the Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup, all participating national associations shall submit, in writing, a squad list naming the players selected for potential participation in the tournament.

  2. NUMBER OF PLAYERS. Each association’s squad list shall include up to twenty three players.

  3. PLAYER ELIGIBILITY. All players on each squad list shall hold nationality of the team for which they are selected and be eligible for selection in accordance with the FIFA Statutes, the Regulations Governing the Application of the Statutes, and all other applicable FIFA rules and regulations.

  4. FLORENT MALOUDA RULE. Any association that attempts to pull a French Guiana by knowingly including an ineligible player on its squad list shall be disqualified from the Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup, and it shall be responsible for paying full refunds to all ticket holders for all matches in which its team would have participated.

6. LAWS OF THE GAME

  1. APPLICABLE VERSION. All matches in the Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup shall be played in accordance with the latest version of the Laws of the Game as of the start of the tournament, as defined by the International Football Association Board. In the event of any discrepancy between languages, the English edition shall be definitive.

  2. MATCH DURATION. Each match shall be played in two halves of forty five minutes each, with a fifteen minute halftime interval.

  3. INFINITE GOLDEN GOAL OVERTIME WITH ATTRITION. If, after the ninety minutes of play, both teams have scored an equal number of goals, the winner shall be decided via the Infinite Golden Goal Overtime with Attrition [IGGOTA] procedure.

    1. PERIODS OF PLAY. Each overtime period shall be ten minutes in duration, unless a goal is scored as described below.

    2. GOLDEN GOAL. When a goal is scored at any time, the match ends, and the team scoring the goal is declared the winner of the match.

    3. ATTRITION. Prior to each overtime period, if both teams completed the previous period with at least five players on the pitch, both teams shall remove one player from the pitch. When at least one team has four players on the pitch, no further attrition is required.

    4. SUBSTITUTIONS. Each team shall receive one additional substitution before the start of each overtime period. The substitution need not be used in that period; eg, a team may choose to use zero substitutions in the first period and two in the second. Any substitutions not used during regulation play may be used during an overtime period.

    5. RETURN SUBSTITUTIONS. During the overtime periods, players who have been substituted out of the match are permitted to be substituted back in. This includes players who were substituted out during regulation play, during a previous overtime period, or during the same overtime period, provided that the team has sufficient substitutions remaining.

  4. GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY AND VIDEO ASSISTANT REFEREES. Goal line technology and video assistant referees shall be used in each match.

7. KITS AND EQUIPMENT

  1. TEAM KITS. Each team shall select two colours for its kits: one light and one dark. Red totally counts as dark.

  2. KIT SELECTION. The team listed first in the match schedule shall have first choice of kits. The other team shall select one of its kits that provides sufficient contrast against the first team’s kits. The match referee shall have final say over how much contrast is sufficient.

  3. SLEEVE BADGES. Each team shall be provided a sufficient quantity of sleeve badges. The badge on the right sleeve shall depict the logo of the Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup. The badge on the left sleeve shall be a fair play badge:

    Bender Bending Rodriguez: Shut up and play football, meatbag!

8. TROPHY AND AWARDS

  1. TROPHY. After the conclusion of the final match, John DiMaggio shall present to the winning team’s captain the Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup, which shall be a silver trophy in the shape of the Men’s World Cup trophy, except that in place of the two athletes beneath the globe, there are two Benders.

  2. MEDALS. All players on the squad lists for the first, second, and third placed teams shall receive medals.

    1. FIRST PLACE. Players on the first placed team shall receive medals that look gold, but the gold colour shall easily scratch off.

    2. SECOND PLACE. Players on the second placed team shall receive medals that look silver, but are actually aluminum.

    3. THIRD PLACE. Players on the third placed team shall receive medals that look bronze, but they shall deform easily in heat, cold, sunlight, darkness, humid air, dry air, any air, or vacuum.

  3. PLAQUES. At the conclusion of the tournament, all teams shall receive a plaque.

    1. FIRST PLACE. The first placed team shall receive a plaque declaring that team the 33rd best team in the world in 2018.

    2. SECOND PLACE. The second placed team shall receive a plaque declaring that team almost as good as the 33rd best team in the world in 2018.

    3. OTHER TEAMS. All other teams shall receive a plaque declaring that team as a team that exists in the world in 2018.

9. MATTERS NOT PROVIDED FOR

Matters not provided for in these regulations, or cases of force majeure, shall be decided by John DiMaggio.

10. MATCH SCHEDULE

BENDER B RODRIGUEZ BLACKJACK AND HOOKERS CUP
FIRST ROUNDQUARTERFINALSSEMIFINALS 
 Italy
 Canada
 [Winner ITA-CAN]
 [Winner IRL-SCO]
 [Winner QF 4]
 [Winner QF 3]
FINAL
 [Winner SF 1]
 [Winner SF 2]
 Ireland Rep
 Scotland
 Wales
 Syria
 [Winner WAL-SYR]
 [Winner PAR-GHA]
 Paraguay
 Ghana
 Netherlands
 New Zealand
 [Winner NED-NZL]
 [Winner ECU-NIR]
 [Winner QF 2]
 [Winner QF 1]
 Ecuador
 N Ireland
 Chile
 Côte d’Ivoire
 [Winner CHI-CIV]
 [Winner USA-CMR]
 United States
 Cameroon
 
THIRD PLACE
 [Loser SF 1]
 [Loser SF 2]
 CLASSIFICATION ROUNDS
 GROUP A
   
 [Loser QF 4]
 [Loser QF 3]
FIFTH PLACE
 [Winner clsrd2 A2]
 [Winner clsrd2 A1]
 [Loser QF 2]
 [Loser QF 1]
 
SEVENTH PLACE
 [Loser clsrd2 A2]
 [Loser clsrd2 A1]
 GROUP B
 [Loser ITA-CAN]
 [Loser IRL-SCO]
 [Winner clsrd1 2]
 [Winner clsrd1 3]
NINTH PLACE
 [Winner clsrd2 B2]
 [Winner clsrd2 B1]
 [Loser WAL-SYR]
 [Loser PAR-GHA]
 [Loser NED-NZL]
 [Loser ECU-NIR]
 [Winner clsrd1 4]
 [Winner clsrd1 1]
 [Loser CHI-CIV]
 [Loser USA-CMR]
 
ELEVENTH PLACE
 [Loser clsrd2 B2]
 [Loser clsrd2 B1]
 GROUP C
 
 [Loser clsrd1 2]
 [Loser clsrd1 3]
THIRTEENTH PLACE
 [Winner clsrd2 C2]
 [Winner clsrd2 C1]
 [Loser clsrd1 4]
 [Loser clsrd1 1]
 
FIFTEENTH PLACE
 [Loser clsrd2 C2]
 [Loser clsrd2 C1]
MON 28 MAY 2018
rd1 1Toronto, ON, CAN10:00 PDTIreland RepScotland
rd1 2Orlando, FL, USA13:00 PDTWalesSyria
rd1 3Houston, TX, USA16:00 PDTParaguayGhana
rd1 4Vancouver, BC, CAN19:00 PDTItalyCanada
TUE 29 MAY 2018
rd1 5Atlanta, GA, USA10:00 PDTNetherlandsNew Zealand
rd1 6Chicago, IL, USA13:00 PDTUnited StatesCameroon
rd1 7Arlington, TX, USA16:00 PDTChileCôte d’Ivoire
rd1 8Portland, OR, USA19:00 PDTEcuadorN Ireland
FRI 01 JUN 2018
clsrd1 1Columbus, OH, USA10:00 PDT[Loser CHI-CIV][Loser USA-CMR]
clsrd1 2Montréal, QC, CAN13:00 PDT[Loser ITA-CAN][Loser IRL-SCO]
clsrd1 3Kansas City, KS, USA16:00 PDT[Loser WAL-SYR][Loser PAR-GHA]
clsrd1 4Carson, CA, USA19:00 PDT[Loser NED-NZL][Loser ECU-NIR]
SAT 02 JUN 2018
QF 1Foxborough, MA, USA10:00 PDT[Winner CHI-CIV][Winner USA-CMR]
QF 2East Rutherford, NJ, USA13:00 PDT[Winner NED-NZL][Winner ECU-NIR]
QF 3Santa Clara, CA, USA16:00 PDT[Winner WAL-SYR][Winner PAR-GHA]
QF 4Seattle, WA, USA19:00 PDT[Winner ITA-CAN][Winner IRL-SCO]
TUE 05 JUN 2018
clsrd2 C1Houston, TX, USA10:00 PDT[Loser clsrd1 4][Loser clsrd1 1]
clsrd2 B1Toronto, ON, CAN10:00 PDT[Winner clsrd1 4][Winner clsrd1 1]
clsrd2 C2Portland, OR, USA13:00 PDT[Loser clsrd1 2][Loser clsrd1 3]
clsrd2 B2Orlando, FL, USA13:00 PDT[Winner clsrd1 2][Winner clsrd1 3]
clsrd2 A1Atlanta, GA, USA16:00 PDT[Loser QF 2][Loser QF 1]
clsrd2 A2Vancouver, BC, CAN19:00 PDT[Loser QF 4][Loser QF 3]
WED 06 JUN 2018
SF 1Chicago, IL, USA13:00 PDT[Winner QF 4][Winner QF 3]
SF 2Arlington, TX, USA16:00 PDT[Winner QF 2][Winner QF 1]
SAT 09 JUN 2018
fifteenth placeColumbus, OH, USA10:00 PDT[Loser clsrd2 C2][Loser clsrd2 C1]
thirteenth placeMontréal, QC, CAN10:00 PDT[Winner clsrd2 C2][Winner clsrd2 C1]
eleventh placeKansas City, KS, USA13:00 PDT[Loser clsrd2 B2][Loser clsrd2 B1]
ninth placeCarson, CA, USA13:00 PDT[Winner clsrd2 B2][Winner clsrd2 B1]
seventh placeSeattle, WA, USA16:00 PDT[Loser clsrd2 A2][Loser clsrd2 A1]
fifth placeSanta Clara, CA, USA19:00 PDT[Winner clsrd2 A2][Winner clsrd2 A1]
SUN 10 JUN 2018
third placeFoxborough, MA, USA10:00 PDT[Loser SF 1][Loser SF 2]
finalEast Rutherford, NJ, USA13:00 PDT[Winner SF 1][Winner SF 2]

PLEASE SEND ALL CONDESCENDING CORRECTIONS TO <GOOBNET‍@‍GOOBNET.NET>

© 2018 GOOBNET ENTERPRISES, INC [WHICH DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST HOWEVER]

THIS FILE ACCURATE AS OF: THU 06 DEC 2018 – 06:34:51 UTC · GENERATED IN 0.009 SECONDS