WEEKLY WHINE

A direct injection of sodium chloride into the open wound

There will be a number of notable absences from the 2018 Men’s World Cup. Algeria, Cameroon, Chile, Congo DR, the Netherlands, South Africa, Turkey, Ukraine, and the United States have all failed to reach the final tournament, and Italy will join them today if they are not victorious in their playoff against Sweden.

Football is very important to the world, and to us here at GoobNet. So how does it feel when your team misses out on an opportunity to perform on the world’s brightest stage?

Well, what better way to find out than by looking into the GoobNet Reverse Mailbox? We sent our questions about some of the notable teams that failed to reach Russia 2018 to the nations affected. We are now ready to see your responses, but first we must ask you to observe this safety demonstration, in which Charlize Theron, Eve Myles, and RuPaul will show you the proper way to protect your head and upper body during the opening of the GoobNet Reverse Mailbox.

Ah, well, it looks like the first question in the GoobNet Reverse Mailbox is: “What about my lower body?”. The answer, of course, is that your lower body is on its own.

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How are Ghanaians coping with failing to qualify for the Men’s World Cup?

This was a bitter pill. The Black Stars continue to be one of the best teams in Africa. We have qualified for three consecutive World Cups prior to now, and less than two months ago, we won the WAFU Nations Cup, defeating Nigeria in the final. Ghanaians still believe that we should be in Russia.

– N’Kamela Joko
Kumasi, Ghana

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How are the Welsh coping with failing to qualify for the Men’s World Cup?

Not reaching the World Cup was difficult to take, but the team had a tough go in the qualifiers. We had a string of five consecutive draws, including home matches against Georgia and Serbia tht we, quite frankly, should have won. Still, we are optimistic about the future of our squad, with players such as Ben Woodburn and Lee Evans.

– Sian Woodley
Swansea, Wales, UK

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How are Cameroonians coping with failing to qualify for the Men’s World Cup?

The elimination was a great heartbreak, particularly after the Indomitable Lions won the African Cup of Nations earlier this year. All training and development programmes throughout the country are being reviewed. The federation is fully committed to improving football throughout the country.

– Jemele Sissone
Garoua, Cameroon

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How are Chileans coping with failing to qualify for the Men’s World Cup?

I don’t want to talk about it.

– Marcelina de Angulos
Punta Arenas, Chile

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How are the Dutch coping with failing to qualify for the Men’s World Cup?

We are sorely disappointed, but as Dutch fans, we are used to the “feast or famine” nature of the Oranje.

– Jennifer Mennikke
Arnhem, Netherlands

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How are Americans coping with failing to qualify for the Men’s World Cup?

Mostly by demanding the resignation of Sunil Gulati, the abolition of pay to play youth clubs, the introduction of promotion and relegation, or some combination of the above.

– Jennifer Ndola
Lafayette, LA, USA

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How are Turks coping with failing to qualify for the Men’s World Cup?

I am not a football fan, but many of my friends are, and they complain about everything. They complain about the players, the manager, and the referees. If all of the team’s fans are like this, I do not envy the players. Playing in such pressure and under such scrutiny must be exhausting.

– Selen Kayakanoğlu
Antalya, Turkey

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How are Sammarinese coping with failing to qualify for the Men’s World Cup?

Yes, we nearly made it this time. It was a crushing disappointment to finish a mere thirty points behind Germany. All in all, however, I think we’ll be okay.

– Ilona Mazzi
Serravalle, San Marino