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WEEKLY WHINE

Top lines heard on a cell phone telephone

There now follows a ranking of the top lines and exchanges of the fifth production season of Futurama, shown here with the episode in which they appeared. Criteria included interestingness, funnyness, and memorableness.

Eligibility was limited to lines and exchanges that were interesting, funny, or memorable on their own merits. Lines and exchanges that were dependent upon sight gags or the programme’s structure were not eligible. For example, Chu’s line “There’s my butterscotch!” was funny only because of the way Colleen welcomed Fry into the relationship.

Images are provided courtesy Morbotron.


1. 5ACV14: Into the Wild Green Yonder part two

Turanga Leela: Full power to the vagyroscope!


2. 5ACV01: Bender’s Big Score part one

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: I’m sciencing as fast as I can!


3. 5ACV01: Bender’s Big Score part one

Bender Bending Rodriguez: I’m waiting for porn over here!


4. 5ACV01: Bender’s Big Score part one

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: If Hermes were here, he’d fire you all!Hermes Conrad’s head: I am here!Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Quiet, you! In his absence, I’m calling a mandatory company security seminar.Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: To the mandatorium!


5. 5ACV02: Bender’s Big Score part two

Al Gore: Dang! That hundred dollars could have bought me...Al Gore: ...one gallon of gas!


6. 5ACV09: Bender’s Game part one

Sal: That broad’s insanes!Hoschel: But you’re insanesier, right?Sal: Nah, I guess nots. I’ve decideds to relax and enjoy life from now ons.


7. 5ACV09: Bender’s Game part one

Turanga Leela: I don’t have any...Turanga Leela: ...godda- [bzzt]...Turanga Leela: ...motherf- [bzzt]...Turanga Leela: ...anger issues!


8. 5ACV16: Into the Wild Green Yonder part four

Turanga Leela: Put your hands in the air!Snoop Dogg’s head: Should we wave them like we just don’t care?Turanga Leela: That’s optional!


9. 5ACV06: The Beast With a Billion Backs part two

Philip J Fry: I can’t take it, Leela. I need to go away. Far away, forever.Turanga Leela: Aw, I know how you feel, Fry. There are times when I also feel like you need to go away.


10. 5ACV02: Bender’s Big Score part two

Nudar: Now that I’m rich, I suddenly care if the Universe gets destroyed.


11. 5ACV09: Bender’s Game part one

Philip J Fry: Let it go! Don’t let your temper get the better of –Turanga Leela: Rednecks!


12. 5ACV08: The Beast With a Billion Backs part four

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Yivo can’t breathe outside the electric ether of shkler own universe.Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: If shklee came here, shklee would shkluffocate.Bender Bending Rodriguez: No shklit?


13. 5ACV02: Bender’s Big Score part two

Philip J Fry II: Are you made of Tinkertoy?


14. 5ACV04: Bender’s Big Score part four

Al Gore’s head: Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slideshows!


15. 5ACV09: Bender’s Game part one

Sal: What shades of green is that? Puke?Turanga Leela: For your information, it’s called Electric Mucus.


16. 5ACV16: Into the Wild Green Yonder part four

Turanga Leela: If protecting the environment is a crime, then –Snoop Dogg’s head: Protecting the environment is a crime.Turanga Leela: I rest my mouth.


17. 5ACV05: The Beast With a Billion Backs part one

Amy Wong: If I had ever heard of it, it would have been what I had always dreamed of!


18. 5ACV05: The Beast With a Billion Backs part one

Bender Bending Rodriguez: Why are we risking our lives? Can’t we just send in a robotic drone?[pause]Bender Bending Rodriguez: What’s everybody looking at me for?


19. 5ACV16: Into the Wild Green Yonder part four

Nine: We were counting on you and your unreadable brain to come up with something.Philip J Fry: That was a mistake.Nine: I see that now.


20. 5ACV15: Into the Wild Green Yonder part three

Kif Kroker: Shall I initiate a pointless and potentially fatal pursuit?Zapp Brannigan: Make it so!


21. 5ACV02: Bender’s Big Score part two

Nudar: Like all rich people, we’re gonna need weapons to shoot poor people.Schlump: In self defense?Nudar: Yes, that too.


22. 5ACV16: Into the Wild Green Yonder part four

Bender Bending Rodriguez: Into the breach, meatbags!Bender Bending Rodriguez: Or not. Whatever.


23. 5ACV14: Into the Wild Green Yonder part two

Richard M Nixon’s head: Sir, I don’t care if you are my biggest contributor.Richard M Nixon’s head: Our armed forces do not serve your private business interests.Leo Wong: Sorry, I –Richard M Nixon’s head: Ha ha ha ha! I’m just yanking your chain, Leo!


24. 5ACV01: Bender’s Big Score part one

Philip J Fry: Oh, hooray! It’s handsome Lars and his fabulous jars!


25. 5ACV01: Bender’s Big Score part one

Turanga Leela: Nibbler! You... you can talk?!Lord Nibbler: I can do more than talk! I can pontificate!


26. 5ACV03: Bender’s Big Score part three

Philip J Fry: So I unfroze ten minutes ago, and I walked over here.Philip J Fry: And then it was now, and then I don’t know what happened.


27. 5ACV05: The Beast With a Billion Backs part one

Colleen O’Hallahan: It’s so scary. What are you supposed to do when the whole Universe is coming to an end?Philip J Fry: I have a thought.


28. 5ACV16: Into the Wild Green Yonder part four

Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s head: Can the witness identify the feminista leader?Bender Bending Rodriguez: That’s her right there, with the ‘I’m gonna kill you, Bender’ look in her eye.


29. 5ACV04: Bender’s Big Score part four

Bender Bending Rodriguez: And that’s how I saved Earth and am the greatest!


30. 5ACV03: Bender’s Big Score part three

Lars Fillmore: We don’t want our happy day tainted by misfortune and tragedy, do we?Turanga Leela: I’m okay with it.


31. 5ACV14: Into the Wild Green Yonder part two

Turanga Leela: Leo, you’re a parasite on the Universe, and parasites must be destroyed.Turanga Leela: That’s why we’ve adopted this parasite as our mascot.Turanga Leela: I know it’s a little confusing.Turanga Leela: The point is, even this vicious leech has a right to exist, because it’s a part of nature.Turanga Leela: And that’s why a vicious leech like Leo Wong must be exterminated!Turanga Leela: Again, confusing.


32. 5ACV04: Bender’s Big Score part four

Lord Nibbler: Everyone out of the Universe!


33. 5ACV14: Into the Wild Green Yonder part two

Turanga Leela: It’s amazing! It’s like a textbook on evolution!Philip J Fry: Except in Kansas.


34. 5ACV15: Into the Wild Green Yonder part three

Bender Bending Rodriguez: Say, speaking of whatever the hell you just said, I need to make a cell phone telephone call.Bender Bending Rodriguez: Can I borrow your cell phone telephone?


35. 5ACV14: Into the Wild Green Yonder part two

Morbo: Our top story...Morbo: ...The string of eco-vandalism that began with a harmless vice presidential killing...Morbo: ...has spread across the galaxy.Linda van Schoonhoven: Why do you always get to read the top story, Morbo?Morbo: Because viewers trust a deep male voice and huge throbbing forehead veins!


36. 5ACV04: Bender’s Big Score part four

Turanga Leela: Fry, was this an idiotic trick to get Lars and me back together?Philip J Fry: Quite idiotic. But you don’t need to be an idiot to see that you two belong together.


37. 5ACV01: Bender’s Big Score part one

Philip J Fry: ‘You must be at least this naked’? How much nakeder could you be?


38. 5ACV05: The Beast With a Billion Backs part one

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Don’t listen to that crackpot!Prof Ogden Wernstrom: But I’m agreeing with you!Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: I’ll make you eat those words, you moron!


39. 5ACV07: The Beast With a Billion Backs part three

Philip J Fry: I have traveled far and seen deep, and I have come to know the purpose of our existence!Randy Munchnik: Finally!Philip J Fry: Thou shalt love the tentacle!Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Well, at least we don’t have to love one another.


40. 5ACV03: Bender’s Big Score part three

Philip J Fry: Hiya, girl. My name’s Fry, and I think you’re a cutie...Philip J Fry: ...cause I like things that have only one thing instead of two things.


41. 5ACV01: Bender’s Big Score part one

Turanga Leela: What’s the secret of time travel doing on Fry’s ass?Philip J Fry: It was bound to be somewhere.


42. 5ACV15: Into the Wild Green Yonder part three

Philip J Fry: Please, can you take a message to Leela?Frida Waterfall: Shh! What is it?Philip J Fry: Just say her sweet goofbag is working to save the violet dwarf star...Philip J Fry: ...just like she is.Frida Waterfall: Very well, I’ll femmunicate your manformation.Philip J Fry: Just tell her.


43. 5ACV08: The Beast With a Billion Backs part four

Kif Kroker: How could you? My body wasn’t even warm yet!Amy Wong: You were dead!Kif Kroker: For about five minutes!Zapp Brannigan: That’s all it takes!


44. 5ACV03: Bender’s Big Score part three

Philip J Fry: The present may stink, but at least we can look forward to a better yesterday.


45. 5ACV07: The Beast With a Billion Backs part three

Bender Bending Rodriguez: Who are you humans, and why am I pointing you to the exit?


46. 5ACV13: Into the Wild Green Yonder part one

Penn Jillette’s head: Welcome viewers who fell asleep with the TV on!


47. 5ACV08: The Beast With a Billion Backs part four

Bender Bending Rodriguez: Love is suspicious. Love is needy. Love is fearful. Love is greedy.Bender Bending Rodriguez: My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags!


48. 5ACV16: Into the Wild Green Yonder part four

Encyclopod: Well, at any rate, I shall preserve the DNA of Homo sapiens.Philip J Fry: Huh. I thought you only saved the DNA of endangered species.Encyclopod: Farewell.Philip J Fry: I guess he didn’t hear me.


49. 5ACV06: The Beast With a Billion Backs part two

British Robot: Bender, you’ve rigidly applied the law with no regard for its intent.British Robot: Well done! You’ll go far in this organization!


50. 5ACV15: Into the Wild Green Yonder part three

Turanga Leela: The out of fuel indicator! It’s indicating!


51. 5ACV16: Into the Wild Green Yonder part four

Snoop Dogg’s head: A’ight. We got us a verdict up in this High Court.


52. 5ACV02: Bender’s Big Score part two

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Time travel is impossible!Philip J Fry: But Professor, you time traveled yourself. Remember? When we went back to Roswell?Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: That proves nothing! And furthermore, you’d think I’d remember a thing like that.Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Plus, who are you anyway?


53. 5ACV01: Bender’s Big Score part one

Philip J Fry: I don’t get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?Turanga Leela: Well, for one thing, his checkbook doesn’t have the Hulk on it.


54. 5ACV10: Bender’s Game part two

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Quiet, everyone! The network news is on...Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: ...and if I, a 165 year old man, don’t watch it, who will?


55. 5ACV05: The Beast With a Billion Backs part one

Amy Wong: Oh Kif, it’s like a movie with this happening in it!


56. 5ACV02: Bender’s Big Score part two

Bender Bending Rodriguez: It’s really bright in the past!


57. 5ACV05: The Beast With a Billion Backs part one

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: To better understand the anomaly, I will now focus its radiation...Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: ...on a giant medium-sized ant to see what happens.Giant medium-sized ant: What’s going on here? I was told there would be sugar syrup.


58. 5ACV14: Into the Wild Green Yonder part two

Philip J Fry: Leela’s not a killer! And she’s not some chick, she’s the chick I love!Philip J Fry: And don’t tell her I called her a chick, or she’ll kill me.


59. 5ACV04: Bender’s Big Score part four

Nudar: So what’ll it be? Unconditional surrender?Turanga Leela: Never!Nudar: Or total destruction?Turanga Leela: Also never!


60. 5ACV04: Bender’s Big Score part four

Bender Bending Rodriguez: I was working the long con all along!Bender Bending Rodriguez: While sawing off the Professor’s hand with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think.Bender Bending Rodriguez: So I asked myself, ‘Who could use a doomsday device more? The scammers, or me, Bender?’Bender Bending Rodriguez: After several minutes of sawing, I knew the answer. Me, Bender!


61. 5ACV11: Bender’s Game part three

Leegola: In our universe, she’s called Mom!Greyfarn: In your universe, are you taught not to interrupt?


62. 5ACV14: Into the Wild Green Yonder part two

Turanga Leela: We’ve done nothing wrong, other than killing and dismembering the vice president.Turanga Leela: We need to make a choice, sisters.Turanga Leela: We can either keep pestering criminals like Leo Wong with silly slogans –Trixie: That sounds good!; Feminista: Let’s do that!Turanga Leela: Actually, I meant that to be the less preferable alternative.


63. 5ACV15: Into the Wild Green Yonder part three

Turanga Leela: Are you sure Fry is working for your father? It just doesn’t seem like him to be so evil.Turanga Leela: Or to hold down a job.


64. 5ACV01: Bender’s Big Score part one

Lars Fillmore: Well, maybe I should get going.Philip J Fry: Yes, I’ll show you out.Amy Wong: No, Leela will show him out.Turanga Leela: No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela.


65. 5ACV07: The Beast With a Billion Backs part three

Turanga Leela: Nobody panic! Just get to the panic room!


66. 5ACV13: Into the Wild Green Yonder part one

Bender Bending Rodriguez: Read em and weep. And then tell me what they are.


67. 5ACV01: Bender’s Big Score part one

Lars Fillmore: Hello, everyone who isn’t Leela.Lars Fillmore: And a special hello to everyone else.


68. 5ACV09: Bender’s Game part one

Planet Express Ship: Warning! Out of dark matter fuel!Turanga Leela: That’s not a warning! A warning is supposed to come before something bad happens!Planet Express Ship: Warning! Engines will shut down in one second!Turanga Leela: That’s more like it.


69. 5ACV02: Bender’s Big Score part two

Hermes Conrad’s head: You do a nice hand job, Zoidberg.


70. 5ACV13: Into the Wild Green Yonder part one

Bender Bending Rodriguez: It’ll take a lot more money than that to make a girl like you happy.Fanny: No it won’t.


71. 5ACV06: The Beast With a Billion Backs part two

Bender Bending Rodriguez: I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.Hermes Conrad: You want to costar in his TV show? Like that time you already did that?Bender Bending Rodriguez: No. I’m gonna be a stalker!Turanga Leela: That’s not really a career. More of a felony.


72. 5ACV01: Bender’s Big Score part one

Philip J Fry: I’ve loved Leela since the day I came to the future.Philip J Fry: Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her?Amy Wong: Yes!Philip J Fry: Look at it again!


73. 5ACV13: Into the Wild Green Yonder part one

Hermes Conrad: Bender, are you crazy?Bender Bending Rodriguez: No, it’s Fry who’s crazy in this one.


74. 5ACV10: Bender’s Game part two

Philip J Fry: There are so many killbots behind us I can’t count them all.Philip J Fry: Three, I think.


75. 5ACV15: Into the Wild Green Yonder part three

Linda van Schoonhoven: Should we shout a clever slogan?Turanga Leela: You mean something like, ‘The best defense is a good fence’?Linda van Schoonhoven: Yeah, something like that. Only funny.


76. 5ACV09: Bender’s Game part one

Turanga Munda: Men like a woman who’s not always slamming their head in the car door.Turanga Morris: She’s right. That’s what first attracted me to your mother.


77. 5ACV11: Bender’s Game part three

Titanius Anglesmith: And so our quest comes to an end. I only regret not giving up sooner.


78. 5ACV14: Into the Wild Green Yonder part two

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: There’s no scientific consensus that life is important.


79. 5ACV03: Bender’s Big Score part three

Amy Wong: Awww, don’t blame yourself, Bender.Bender Bending Rodriguez: I don’t blame myself. I blame all of you!Amy Wong: Us?! How can you possibly blame us?Bender Bending Rodriguez: It ain’t easy. It just proves how great I am.


80. 5ACV07: The Beast With a Billion Backs part three

Hermes Conrad: It got Zoidberg!Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Oh, I never knew how much I’d miss him until he was gone!Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Not that much, as it turns out.


81. 5ACV07: The Beast With a Billion Backs part three

Philip J Fry: I know it may seem strange that I have feelings for an octopus monster from another universe.Philip J Fry: And yes, perhaps it’s not the storybook romance...Philip J Fry: ...that’s been crammed down our throats by ‘Hollywood’.


82. 5ACV01: Bender’s Big Score part one

Hermes Conrad: And now, I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express...Hermes Conrad: ...Prof Hubert J Farnsworth!Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: You’re all fired!


83. 5ACV05: The Beast With a Billion Backs part one

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Prep the ship and line up for your preflight coffee enemas!Enema Bot: Warning: The enema you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.


84. 5ACV05: The Beast With a Billion Backs part one

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: I know this anomaly is terrifying. But as scientists...Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: ...is it not our sworn duty to seek out knowledge, even at the cost of our very lives?Stephen Hawking’s head: No.


85. 5ACV13: Into the Wild Green Yonder part one

Turanga Leela: Fry, calm down and stop braining.


86. 5ACV10: Bender’s Game part two

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: I’m too busy developing makeup for dogs. That’s where the money is.


87. 5ACV13: Into the Wild Green Yonder part one

Bender Bending Rodriguez: I’m so full of luck, it’s shooting out like luck diarrhea!


88. 5ACV03: Bender’s Big Score part three

Philip J Fry: I wonder what his life was like.Scruffy: I guess we’ll never know.Dr John A Zoidberg: Or will we?Scruffy: Nope.Announcer: They won’t know, but you will! Lucky you!


89. 5ACV11: Bender’s Game part three

Greyfarn: But instead of science, we believe in crazy hocus pocus. It’s like Kansas.


90. 5ACV14: Into the Wild Green Yonder part two

Nine: So dig this, Fry.Nine: Our commune’s been monitoring the Universe’s life energy for, like, a really long time...Nine: ...and we’re grokking some super weird junk.Philip J Fry: Um, I don’t mean to be rude...Philip J Fry: ...but it’s kind of hard to take you seriously when you say junk like ‘grok’ and ‘junk’.Nine: What about ‘commune’?Philip J Fry: Especially ‘commune’.


91. 5ACV08: The Beast With a Billion Backs part four

Yivo: I must leave now. The nature of your universe is burning me, even worse than my gonorrhea.Yivo: You should get checked, by the way.


92. 5ACV12: Bender’s Game part four

Titanius Anglesmith: Methinks we be boned.


93. 5ACV14: Into the Wild Green Yonder part two

Turanga Leela: It’s you and me, ponytail!


94. 5ACV03: Bender’s Big Score part three

Lord Nibbler: I saved the spacetime continuum and forty percent of your rectum.Ethan ‘Bubblegum’ Tate: That’s all you need.


95. 5ACV05: The Beast With a Billion Backs part one

Bender Bending Rodriguez: The anomaly!Amy Wong: It’s so anomalous!


96. 5ACV06: The Beast With a Billion Backs part two

Bender Bending Rodriguez: I can’t remember anything except a blinding light and a searing ass pain.Bender Bending Rodriguez: I better check my black box.Bender Bending Rodriguez [on black box]: The light! It’s blinding! And the ass pain! It’s searing!Bender Bending Rodriguez: So that’s what happened.

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