WEEKLY WHINE

Interaction

Myers: Good evening, and welcome once again to Interaction, the programme wherein you send in your questions and a panel of supposedly smart people respond to them - without necessarily answering them. I'm Debbie Myers. Today our topic is the future. How will things be in the future? Will you be around? Will I be around? Will I even be awake for the future? I've been known to sleep through a lot of important events, so that question has particular relevance from the point of view of, for instance, myself. Our panel tonight: Mr Lee Inglewood joins us from America. He is the chair of the United States Coalition on Dirty Socks.

Inglewood: Hello.

Myers: Ms Patrícia Santos joins us from Brazil. She serves as vice president of research and development for manufacturing firm LPV.

Santos: Good evening.

Myers: Ms Evita Papadoli is in Brussels. She specialises in facing the wrong way when a television camera is pointed at her.

Papadoli: [facing wrong way] Hello there.

Myers: And finally, Mr Kenesaw Mountain Landiss is here in our Warwickshire studio. He is an expert in importing and exporting, and author of the book Good Morning Western Samoa, though I should point out that you are not in fact related to Kenesaw Mountain Landis, former commissioner of Major League Baseball.

Landiss: Yes, that's correct. Good evening.

Myers: Nice to have you all here this evening. I should stress, whilst I have a moment, that although of course there are still events going on that are related to the atrocities which occurred in the United States earlier this week, we here at Interaction will not be deterred and we will continue with our programming as normal. But having said that, we certainly extend our deepest condolences and sympathies to the friends and relatives of those who lost their lives this week, and we intend to ensure that their memories will live on and will help us all create a new and better future. Mr Inglewood, perhaps you'd like to start.

Inglewood: Thank you Debbie. I'd like to echo what you just said now, and I'd like to emphasise the work being done by the Coalition to aid the rescue efforts currently under way.

Myers: Well, I think you can certainly consider those efforts emphasised. Ms Santos?

Santos: Hello. I think that the future is going to be very important when it becomes the present and then not quite so important when it becomes the past, although it will certainly retain quite a bit of that importance.

Myers: I'm sure we can all relate to that. Ms Papadoli?

Papadoli: [still facing wrong way] That's certainly the case.

Myers: Noble sentiments there. Mr Landiss, your thoughts as we open?

Landiss: Well, I'm certainly in favour of the future, which will begin very soon, and I think that the most important aspect of the future is that those who live in it, the "futurans" if you will, will be living at a different time, that is, a different point in history, and I think we should never lose sight of that.

Myers: That's an interesting point you brought up there, Mr Landiss. You said that the future will begin very soon. I'd like to hear the panel's opinion on that, briefly, before we go to questions. Ms Papadoli?

Papadoli: Well, I don't agree. We shouldn't hear the panel's opinion. It might be dangerous.

Myers: Mr Inglewood, when will the future begin?

Inglewood: As soon as we deal with these dirty socks.

Myers: Ms Santos?

Santos: About ten-fifteen.

Myers: Certainly some disagreement there amongst the panel. I think we'll drop this issue for the moment and return to it later, for we've got some questions for the panel. Remember, you can telephone, fax, E-mail, or post your questions to us at the various addresses and numbers shown on your screen. Wait - I've just been told that they're now off your screen. Never mind, you'll have a chance to see them again later. Now we go to Hans in Vienna. Hans, are you there?

Hans in Vienna: Ja, I am here.

Myers: What is your question, Hans?

Hans in Vienna: My question is about the future.

Myers: Well, that's good, because this is a show about the future.

Hans in Vienna: Yes, it is about the future. What will it look like?

Myers: What do you mean?

Hans in Vienna: I wonder if the panel might be able to give a brief physical description of the future, such as its size or shape, or its colour, so that we might be better able to recognise it when it arrives.

Myers: Ms Santos?

Santos: The future, unfortunately, won't be like that.

Myers: Oh dear.

Santos: Yes, that's right. It will be colourless, tasteless, odourless, and very difficult indeed to detect.

Myers: Oh dear. Like carbon monoxide?

Santos: Yes, only not deadly.

Myers: Well, that's a relief.

Landiss: Only slightly, though. You see, the future contains only people of the future, the "futurans" if you will, to whom I alluded earlier. That to me is a clear sign that the future will be fatal to everyone else, the "non-futurans" if you will.

Papadoli: [now facing sideways] Yes, I think so.

Santos: What makes you think that? After all, there's no way to tell who these "futurans", as you call them, are. We might all be people of the future.

Landiss: We can't be. We're people of the present. If this was the future, we'd know it.

Myers: How, though? We've just heard it said that the future will be undetectable.

Santos: Virtually so.

Myers: Virtually so. So how do we know that we haven't already entered the future?

Landiss: Well, there's an easy check. What's the time, Debbie?

Myers: Five past nineteen.

Landiss: And what time is it now?

Myers: Still five past nineteen.

Landiss: Well, there you go. We're in the present.

Myers: Ms Santos, does this weaken your earlier point?

Santos: Well, no. This makes it clearer that the future is nearby. We know that the future immediately follows the present. Therefore the future must be very close.

Myers: All right, let's get to another question. We now go to the E-mail lines and Bob Magnin at the South Pole, who asks, "Where will people live in the future?" An interesting question. Mr Inglewood, you've been awfully quiet so far. What do you think about this? Where will people live in the future?

Inglewood: I think that's clear. People will live in the places where they want to live. For example, I live in a sixteen room villa overlooking Des Moines, Iowa. I wanted to live there because of the aftershave problem. But I'm lucky. I have a lot of personal freedom. And that's the key to the future. We've got to ensure that personal freedom is around. And once we do that, people will be free to live wherever they want. That, to me, is very important.

Landiss: Well, there's certainly a wide gap between talking about personal freedom and doing something about it.

Myers: And what have you done about it, Mr Landiss?

Landiss: Well, I've written five books on the topic.

Myers: No you haven't.

Landiss: Are you sure?

Myers: Quite. You have written only one book, Good Morning Western Samoa. I've read it, and I can assure our viewers, it is not about personal freedom.

Landiss: That's your interpretation.

Myers: I dare say. That book was about devices for cutting cheese and how they've evolved in the past three centuries. It's got nothing to do with personal freedom whatever.

Landiss: Well, I'm sorry you didn't catch the nuances. It is in fact an allegory rela-

Myers: Save it for the tabloid rubbish. Ms Papadoli, what have you got to say about this?

Papadoli: I'm certainly behind you there. [falls off chair]

Myers: Good heavens, have we got any normal guests on the programme? Mr Inglewood?

Inglewood: Well, I'm certainly in favour of normality. For example, the Coalition-

Myers: Never mind. I think the Coalition for Dirty Socks summarises the issue of normality for you. Ms Santos?

Santos: [off screen] What?

Myers: Er, where are you? I can't see you.

Santos: [coming into view, only slightly dressed] I beg your pardon. The cameraman and I were, um, testing the structural integrity of this building.

Myers: Well, I think that wraps up this edition of Interaction. Our guests have been Mr Kenesaw Mountain Landiss, Ms Eva Papadoli, Ms Patrícia Santos, and Mr Lee Inglewood. Next week we discuss customs regulations, and our guests will be two representatives from the European Union, my mum, and her stockbroker. Good night.

Landiss: Where's my appearance fee?

Myers: Shut up.