WEEKLY WHINE

Interaction: French xenophobia

Myers: Good evening, and welcome to this week's edition of Interaction, the sixty minutes that show you what your life would be like if you appeared on television more often. Our topic today is the recent first round of the French presidential election, which saw Jean-Marie "I Am Not a Loony" Le Pen score an astounding second place, with 16.86% of the vote. Next weekend, on SUN 05 MAY 2002, he'll run off against incumbent president Jacques Chirac. Why is this a crisis that threatens to devour our entire planet in stupidity? Well, Chirac's stay in office so far has been surrounded by accusations of corruption, and Le Pen is well known for considering immigration a "problem". If France go off the deep end, will they take the rest of the world with them? Here to illuminate this issue are today's panel. Joining us in Marseille is university student M Christophe Pellegrini.

Pellegrini: Good evening.

Myers: In our Paris studio, M Pascal Braddeaut of Chirac's Rassemblement Pour la République party.

Braddeaut: Good evening.

Myers: Standing barefoot in a cardboard box next to the Arc de Triomphe, Mmse Juliette Deshouphe of Le Pen's Front National party.

Deshouphe: Hello, Debbie.

Myers: And here with me in our Warwickshire studios, political analyst Ms Deborah Javier.

Javier: Hello.

Myers: We'll go to you first, Christophe. Perhaps you can give us the students' view of this situation.

Pellegrini: The students, quite frankly, are embarrassed to be French. And those of us who are not French - I'm Swiss - we're afraid not to be French. We've had a couple of rallies here already protesting the first round result, and we always have to be careful. This is a university, and so there are a lot of people here from other countries who are outraged at the result. But we kind of wanted to make sure that there were a considerable number of French people at these rallies too, or else Le Pen would go and claim something about crazy foreigners or whatever.

Myers: Important things to consider there. Pascal?

Braddeaut: I think we in the Rassemblement Pour la République are confident of victory next weekend. We feel that the French population have already spoken. Though a sixth of the country have cast their ballots for Le Pen, the real message is that the public are irritated with the way this country has been run in the past decade. We promise a new and improved Jacques Chirac for the next seven years.

Myers: Worthy notions there. Juliette?

Deshouphe: I may not agree with M Le Pen on all issues. In fact, I may not agree with him on any issues. But I admire him for his ability to speak his mind - even though he sounds like a raving lunatic every time he does. I think a victory for M Le Pen would be a great thing for this country, as long as we don't let him do anything. He could just give speeches and appear on this show the whole time.

Myers: Well, those are some noble thoughts. What's your take on the situation, Deborah?

Javier: Well, over the past week, we've seen France basically apologise for voting in Le Pen's favour. The masses are saying, "Yeah, I think change would be good, but not that much! I mean, this guy's nutter! When I voted for him, I didn't actually want him to take control of the entire nation! I'm very happy with my euros and I don't want him to send them back, thank you very much! Just because he wants France to exist in a vacuum doesn't mean we do too!"

Myers: I think we can certainly consider the masses heard. Now before we go to questions, I'd like to follow up on something you mentioned just now, Deborah. You said that Le Pen wants France to exist in a vacuum. Obviously we can't forecast what would happen if France actually did exist in a vacuum, but perhaps I can ask our panel to take a stab as to what would happen after seven years of Le Pen. Juliette?

Deshouphe: [now sitting in box] Nothing would happen. He wouldn't be able to introduce bills, and Parliament would never let him get away with half of the stuff he promises, like disjoining the EU. It would be a lot like Chirac had won, except of course that there would be less corruption.

Myers: Hm. What would you say, Pascal?

Braddeaut: He would act upon whatever whims entered his head that particular day. If he wanted to build a shrine to pickup trucks downtown, he would build it. If he wanted to change the middle colour of the Tricolour to purple, he would do it, or at least he'd try. Every day he would draw attention from the important issues to the unimportant ones, so that the actual serious concerns facing France would go unaddressed. His economic policies would drive us into ruin, and we would become the only Third World nation in Europe. Rats would crawl across the Champs Elysses, hubcaps would fall off cars, flavoured potato chips would be a thing of the past. It would be the stuff of nightmares.

Myers: Hm. What about you, Christophe?

Pellegrini: I would get the hell out of here. I've already sent transfer applications to a couple of schools in Bern, and a lot of people I know are talking about leaving too. So within his first month or two, he would drive approximately 50% of university students out of France. At that point, the average age of the population would have increased by nearly ten percent, and the average IQ would have fallen by about twenty percent. The small businesses that are so dear to Le Pen's heart would be unable to sustain themselves, considering how many of them are located near universities and depend upon business from students.

Myers: Hmmm. Well, with that, it's time to start taking viewer questions. We now have seven ways to interact with us: telephone, fax, electronic mail, physical mail, regular and singing telegrams, and paper airplanes. But for the latter, you'd have to throw pretty hard, especially if you're not Mr Albertson, who lives across the street from us in the upstairs apartment. Our first communiqué this evening is a facsimile from Evie Ping of Durham, NC, USA, who asks what effect this situation will have on the preparations of France's football team for the World Cup next month. Deborah, perhaps you'd like to take this question?

Javier: French footballers are firmly in Chirac's corner this election. Didier Deschamps and Marcel Desailly have both criticised Le Pen's platform; in fact, Desailly has described the Front National as an "unashamedly fascist party", and he said that "his beliefs do not belong in French society".

Myers: Juliette, we've just heard some strong criticism of your party. Is the Front National, as Desailly says, "unashamedly fascist"?

Deshouphe: [now kneeling in box] I think that's an unfair generalisation made by an uninformed person. M Desailly should stick to what he's good at - kicking a sphere around - and let us do what we're good at - stirring a nation's pride.

Myers: Stirring a nation's pride. Are you sure you don't mean "stirring a nation's fear"?

Deshouphe: Fear, pride. Same difference.

Myers: Hm. Anyway, I think Evie's point was more about whether les Bleus' performance in South Korea would be adversely affected. How do you feel about that, Christophe?

Pellegrini: Well, I think the effect on the French national side will be minimal. In fact, it may even motivate the team to prove that France is still a pretty good nation regardless of whether the president is an obsessive zealot.

Myers: In that case, let's move on to our next question. This time we've got Nawaf in Doha, Qatar on the line. Nawaf, are you there?

Nawaf in Doha: Yes, I am. Good evening.

Myers: Hello Nawaf. What is your question for our panel?

Nawaf in Doha: Hello to everyone.

Pellegrini: Hi.

Javier: Hi.

Deshouphe: [now sitting in box with one leg stretched forward] Hi.

Braddeaut: Hi.

Nawaf in Doha: Hi.

Myers: What is your question, Nawaf?

Nawaf in Doha: I do not really have a question.

Myers: I see.

Nawaf in Doha: I have a remark.

Myers: Okay, well that's good. What is your remark?

Nawaf in Doha: My remark is that the other day, the Qatari national football team scrubbed a planned summer camp in France.

Myers: Really? Why?

Nawaf in Doha: Yes, it is true.

Myers: Why, er, why was the trip cancelled?

Nawaf in Doha: Well, the team had security concerns relating to the outcome of the first round.

Myers: Security concerns? They feared for their safety?

Nawaf in Doha: Yes. They wanted to spend some time in camp in the Pyrenees, but now they don't.

Myers: Curious. Well, thank you Nawaf. Certainly an unusual development that. Pascal, what's your take on this? Would Qatar's footballers have been chased from their training pitch by maddened French countrysiders with torches and pitchforks?

Braddeaut: No. In fact, the visit of that Qatari team would have brought quite a bit of tourism money to the city where they were to have trained. The businesses there would have enjoyed the patronage of Qatar's footballers, and I think it is ironic that Le Pen has now scared potential customers away from the very small businesses of whom he claims to be a friend.

Deshouphe: [now standing in box on one leg and trying to extend other leg over her head] Well, I don't see how you characterise things so rigidly. France will return to greatness regardless of whether footballers from Qatar visit this summer.

Myers: Christophe, you said earlier that you'd like to ditch France if Le Pen becomes the next president. But wouldn't that just be contributing to the problem? If all the non-xenophobes leave, doesn't that leave only the xenophobes?

Pellegrini: Yes. Why should I care though? If Le Pen gets his way, France's doors are shut to the rest of the world, so for those of us elsewhere, it's just as though there isn't a France. It's not like anybody would miss it.

Myers: A bold statement: Christophe challenges France to take the drastic step of closing itself off. "See if I care", he says. Deborah, as our other outsider, what do you say about that?

Javier: I wouldn't go quite that far, but if the French people feel the need to elect Le Pen, we'll see who's laughing in seven years. The masses will be saying, "Please! Give us back the euro! Let us back in, EU! We'll be good! We'll do whatever you want! We like you, really!"

Myers: Pascal, I'd like to return to something you said earlier. You said that the Rassemblement Pour la République would improve its face if Chirac is reelected. I'm assuming that means an end to corruption in the Chirac administration?

Braddeaut: Yes, that's right. No longer will everyone in high office be obsessed with maximising their financial intake. Gone will be the days when politicians could hop into office, pay lip service to the masses whom they supposedly represent, and then turn around and let their votes be exchanged for large contributions from special interest groups. Politics will be revolutionised.

Myers: Well, Juliette, your colleagues on the panel all seem to think that things aren't looking good for your party. They seem to think that pretty vehemently, in fact. How will the Front National face this threat?

Deshouphe: [still trying to extend one leg over her head] Well, we will respond by having a great rally on May Day, honouring Jean d'Arc as is traditional, until we - [falls into box] aaaaaaaa...! [voice recedes into faintness]

Myers: Um, I think that's going to have to do it for Interaction this week. It only remains for me to thank M Christophe Pellegrini, M Pascal Braddeaut, Mmse Juliette Deshouphe, and Ms Deborah Javier for appearing tonight. Next week we'll discuss the proposal in London to charge drivers according to how much they drive. We'll be joined by a police officer, a public transportation officer, an automobile mechanic, and an insomniac who lives underneath a manhole cover. Till then, good night.

Deshouphe: [faintly] Hello!

Myers: Has she fallen through Earth's crust?