WEEKLY WHINE

FIFA showdown: Stump Edvard

Well, it's about time to bring back "Dynamite Eating" Edvard van de Kamp for another question and answer session. Read more about the man who revolutionised the sport of dynamite eating:

• Don't Try This At Home, SUN 11 JUN 2000
• Don't Let Them Confuse You, SUN 01 APR 2001
• On Tour with Edvard, SUN 08 APR 2001
• The Life and Times of Edvard, SUN 27 MAY 2001
• Stump Edvard, SUN 29 JUL 2001
• Stump Edvard About 2002, SUN 06 JAN 2002

Over the past week, we've been taking questions for him about the war shaping up in the headquarters of football's world governing body, FIFA. Now it's time to see if anyone succeeded in Stumping Edvard.

Dear Edvard: How did all this get started, anyway? - Linda Deflaca, Porto, Portugal

Dear Linda: Well, it stems from two important things. First is that International Sports Media and Marketing ran out of money last year. FIFA had been dealing with one of its subsidiaries for a long time, so that meant it had to rearrange licensing and television rights for the 2002 Men's World Cup. That sucked for FIFA. Sepp Blatter, the FIFA president, originally said that FIFA would only lose about US$30,000,000 or so, but it looks like it could be more like US$300,000,000.

The other issue is that Blatter's election in 1998 was a bit fishy. About two months ago, one high ranking official in African football came forward, saying that he'd been offered money in exchange for his vote. Farah Addo, president of the Somali Football Association, said that the 51 members of the Confédération Africaine de Football had committed themselves to Lennart Johansson, but he had been offered US$100,000 to vote for Blatter instead. Addo said that 18 African voters accepted bribes, which would have tipped the election to Johansson had those 18 voted in his favour instead.

Dear Edvard: Why don't Michel Zen-Ruffinen and Sepp Blatter get along any more? - Roger Pololo, Port Harcourt, Nigeria

Dear Roger: I'm not sure. Zen-Ruffinen, who's the general secretary of FIFA, and Blatter, who held that post before winning the 1998 presidential election, shouldn't really care what the other is doing. According to FIFA statutes, the general secretary works for the executive committee, not for the president. Indeed, the executive committee has final authority on many matters. More than likely, both Blatter and Zen-Ruffinen think that the other is trying to overstep the boundaries of his position. Unfortunately, they're both right.

Dear Edvard: What's the deal with the guys from CONCACAF who want Michel Zen-Ruffinen to resign? - Jake Andsley, Hamilton, ON, Canada

Dear Jake: The "guys from CONCACAF", president Jack Warner and general secretary Chuck Blazer, didn't want to let Edgardo Codesal to run for the CONCACAF presidency because he was a paid employee of the confederation. Apparently the statutes prevented that from happening. Anyway, Zen-Ruffinen said that maybe the FIFA committee for legal affairs should look into it, and then Warner and Blazer said that Zen-Ruffinen was out of line and should resign his post. In return, Zen-Ruffinen has sued them for alleged defamation of character over remarks on the CONCACAF site to the effect that he wanted Warner and Blazer to vote for Blatter's challenger at this year's presidential election, Cameroon's Issa Hayatou.

Dear Edvard: Why did Sepp Blatter abruptly terminate the audit committee? - Rigobert Alunbanmolo, Dakar, Senegal

Dear Rigobert: Because he's dumb.

Dear Edvard: Is there any hope for FIFA? - Joa Petalangakaba, Singapore, Singapore

Dear Joa: Yes. In a football match, players can be sent off for fighting. Blatter, Zen-Ruffinen, Warner, Blazer, Johansson, and Hayatou are involved in the biggest - and most expensive - fight in footballing history. Thus, there's nothing to do but show them all the red card, send them all to the showers, and put someone caring, honest, responsible, and most importantly, unfamiliar to any of the aforementioned people, in charge. Someone like me.

If you would like to support "Dynamite Eating" Edvard van de Kamp's campaign for the FIFA presidency, please write to this address:

Dynamite Eating Edvard for FIFA President
Next to the Whiskbroom
Janitor's Closet
Museum of Tolerance
Santa Monica, CA 91929

Or visit http://www.edvard4fifaprez.com/.