WEEKLY WHINE
As you're probably well aware, NASA's Space Launch Initiative has got three proposals. One is from Boeing, one from Lockheed Martin, and the third from Orbital Sciences and Northrop Grumman. They seem to be pretty good, but unfortunately it's difficult to get your hands on the specs of these various proposals. Naturally, we at GoobNet want to make sure you have access to as much information as possible. We tried to get into the room that stores these proposals, but we couldn't get the black jumpsuits from Mission: Impossible.
We're not going to let that stop us, though. We may not have the details of those proposals, but here's some information about our own proposal for a reusable launch vehicle, the GoobNet SuperMegaUltraTransporter!
The GoobNet SMUT will of course be propelled by the most powerful fuel known to humanity. That's right: Celine Dion's voice. Ursula from The Little Mermaid has been contracted to construct the first stage, equipped with four Canadian Voice Engines. Because it requires no oxidiser, and because Celine's voice is massless, the system has an infinite specific impulse. The CVEs are also able to burn the voices of other Canadian singers, so that if Celine gets strep throat, Barenaked Ladies or Alanis Morissette can fill in. The system has been made possible by the voice filtration systems that will extract and purify Celine's voice at concerts, thereby eliminating the need to put her in the fuel tank.
To keep spacecraft mass down, a highly concentrated and efficient energy source was needed. What better energy source than Liquid Schwartz? Unfortunately, the world's entire supply of Liquid Schwartz was used up in the filming of Spaceballs. So, the tireless engineers on the GoobNet SMUT team considered body mounted solar arrays, but said no because wearing them would probably make the crewmembers break out in rashes. The next most concentrated energy source the team found proved a winner. Pixy Stix will provide the power on orbit, with five parallel generators. Such generators have already been prototyped here at GoobNet headquarters, able to generate 800 kJ per Pixy Stik. The only trouble is that she has to brush her teeth frequently.
Obviously, the spacecraft will get pretty toasty when it launches and when it reenters, but it will be pretty nippy in between. You might think that you could just store the heat collected during launch for use on orbit, but space travel doesn't work like that. Instead, a pneumatic tube system, like that used with drivethrough bank tellers, will run throughout the GoobNet SMUT. Components that are getting too hot will automatically put the excess heat in a canister and send it to components that are getting too cold. During reentry, when the entire spacecraft is getting hot, the crew will open the windows.
The requirements of the onboard avionics are clear: Handle all of the necessary data and issue all of the necessary commands. And do it without crashing. Consequently, the spacecraft will utilise a Linux box with a game card, to which the joysticks would be connected. This would also allow any excess processor cycles to be used playing Quake.
This would be accomplished by an antenna.
The crew of the GoobNet SMUT will be kept alive by air, water, and food. On the current Space Shuttle, the fuel cells, which generate power, also produce potable water as a byproduct. The Pixy Stix generators that make up the power subsystem, though, cannot do this. But luckily, there is another system on the spacecraft that produces water as a byproduct: the Liquid Velcro. Like solid Velcro, Liquid Velcro can be used to attach things to other things in microgravity but with the added advantage of generating water. The air for the crew will be stored in the cabin, and the carbon dioxide that they exhale will be utilised by the onboard garden. Finally, the GoobNet SMUT will be the first space vehicle with fresh food for its crew. Every day, the virtual menu will be uplinked via the telecom subsystem, permitting crewmembers to enjoy such delicacies as virtual pizza, virtual lobster, virtual foie gras in a virtual white wine sauce with virtual truffles and virtual celery, and even virtual freeze dried ice cream. Most important, though, are the virtual doughnuts.
Every day, the spacecraft's attitude will be determined by psychiatrists in Mission Control. Using the world's most advanced attitude determination techniques, developed by the Texas Rangers bullpen coaches, the mission psychiatrists will make a diagnosis and prescribe attitude control methods, such as barbecue rolls or Valium, to ensure maximum cooperation by the spacecraft.
The cockpit of the GoobNet SMUT will, in an aerospace first, be located at the rear of the spacecraft. Furthermore, the craft will fly backward throughout each mission, another aerospace first. The wings will be made from a light but sturdy material, avocado pits. This will also allow rapid forest regrowth should there be a tragic fiery crash.
The GoobNet SMUT will be assembled by putting the orbiter on top of the first stage. A full battery of rigourous tests will be applied to each component before and after it is mated to the system, among these the GoobNet Relative Velocity Test. Other tests will involve launching the spacecraft at the wrong angle to see how it crashes, launching it with the wrong end up to see if it explodes, and launching it without filling the fuel tank with Celine Dion's voice to make sure it doesn't go.
The GoobNet SMUT's launch site would be on Hawaii, partly because it's surrounded by ocean, but also because the ground crew want to work someplace sunny. The first stage will burn for about seven minutes and then separate, falling back to Earth in San Francisco so that it may be caught by the big glove in left field at Pacific Bell Park. It will return to Hawaii for checkout and refueling, whilst the orbiter will orbit, fulfill the mission objectives, and then reenter in a big flashing red tunnel like Space Mountain. The landing site will be Dan Rather's backyard.
We are of course eagerly anticipating the launch of the GoobNet SMUT, as we're sure you are too. Its maiden flight is currently scheduled to be delayed twenty years.
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