WEEKLY WHINE

Shady deals

It's not easy to make important decisions, especially if you put much faith in your horoscope. That's because astrology has never been very good - in fact, it's always wrong. People have for centuries been crying out for a better way to get arbitrary guidance based upon some irrelevant characteristic of themselves. So once again it falls to the good people at GoobNet to provide that guidance. The path of your existence is not preselected based upon how far around the Sun your planet had gotten when you were born; it was preselected based upon which colour you like the best.

Remember: If you don't like your prediction, go repaint your walls.

BLUE
You are a calm and relaxed person. You like to stand in the corner of elevators, and you like the football teams of Italy and France. The waterfront property that you're planning to buy was actually built on landfill, but you'll get used to the smell. You like to stand in fields, remove your shirt, and replace it inside out. But the next time you do that, you'll get caught, and it will be quite an embarrassment. Your lucky number is 8×10^-7.

ORANGE
You are a cat person, and you appreciate products that give you the best value for your money. You have recently been observing someone intriguing at the laundromat whom you've been trying to interest. But you should avoid that person because of an embarrassing past. You'll fall down a well sometime in the next twenty years, which will confuse a lot of people because it will have a lid on it at the time.

YELLOW
You like to tear things down and build them up again, and you also like anything with a high albedo. Your forearms are a source of amusement for your friends, but don't let that put you off. For you, interacting with others is everything. You'll enjoy any day on which you can ride a tricycle.

GOLD
All you're interested in is toys. If you're male, those toys usually take the form of electronic equipment that does things others would consider useless. If you're female, those toys usually take the form of shiny objects with which you adorn yourself or your surroundings. But others are rapidly losing their patience with you, since you'll never treat anyone with respect. If you're not careful, someone will drop a sixteen metric ton weight on you. Alternatively, if you're an athlete, the toys in which you're interested are usually circular with a five ring pattern inscribed. If you're not careful, someone will bash a club into your shin.

GREEN
You like this website.

BLACK
You like this website. You also like space.

SILVER
You watch too much Star Trek.

PURPLE
To you, promiscuity is a virtue. You're not ashamed of your body. However, the next time someone says that you should be, don't just dismiss it as an uninformed summary judgment; the person may have a point. If you've never worn clothing before, now may be the time to start. You'll find it keeps you warm in the winter and allows heat to be lost more rapidly in the summer. You also like to talk about bottoms, so consider a lecture tour in the near future.

CYAN
You're carefree, whimsical, and delightful. You are susceptible to ingrown toenails, though, so be sure to trim them regularly by going straight across [not along a curve]. You run relatively fast for your height, so you tend to have the most friends when some of their work is due in a matter of minutes.

MAGENTA
Your collection of brightly coloured feather boas is a bit of an eyesore, but you try to arrange them in a stylish way. Your teddy bear does not have a garish colour, thankfully. You snore, but not very loudly, and in fact some people actually find it endearing. Be careful not to suppress inputs from your sexual organs, because you can often get very useful data that way.

RED
You like to have fun and do a variety of exciting activities. You try to encourage others to do mean and nasty things often, which some people like to do. Others, though, find your ways deceptive, cunning, and even evil. But you needn't feel threatened when townsfolk chase after your friends with torches and pitchforks. Instead, your resourcefulness allows you to make new friends in other places. Though people seem to be chasing after you less often, don't get complacent. At any time someone like Pat Buchanan could whip the masses into a frenzy looking for you.