WEEKLY WHINE

Would it help if we got out and pushed?

It's not easy to travel by airplane. But if you're travelling by airplane so that you can be on television later in the day, at least you get to write an article about it. Take Nik Gowing. He had some trouble two days ago trying to get from Amsterdam to London, and he wrote this article for BBC News about what happened to him. Of course, the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] found this tragically heartbreaking, and so they started to think about ways to prevent such things from ever happening again. Unsurprisingly, they failed. But the GoobNet SPEED did come up with some other interesting ideas, to wit:

Make planes less like cattle pens.
Why are air passengers always cranky and irritated? Because their personal freedom is impinged whenever they fly. Nearly all of you airlines that exist try to cram as many humanoids into each of your planes by making horizontal spacing negligible and forcing passengers to stow their knees under their chins. And then you wonder why there are so many cases of air rage. And when you feel magnanimous enough to offer the "privilege" of actually fitting in a seat, you suck the extra cash for business class or first class. Trains don't even do that, so why should planes?

Be faster.
If you didn't try to compress all these bodies into planes that are clearly not big enough for them, wouldn't you be able to get folks on and off quicker? And if you got folks on and off quicker, wouldn't you be able to get more aircraft through every airport every day?

Have more airports.
You're probably rolling out the standard complaint that airports can only handle a specified number of flights in a day. Well, guess what: Demand's higher than that. If you have fewer people on each aircraft and more airports, things will work out better. The clear solution is to have an airport in everyone's house, each with its own aircraft. This also cuts down on ground transportation time.

Stop overbooking flights.
Shouldn't you know how many people fit on each aircraft? [Apparently not; see point one.] Anyway, shouldn't you know how many seats you put on each aircraft? Shouldn't you, say, not sell any more tickets when you reach a number equal to the number of seats on each flight? We kind of figured that would be common sense, but whatever.

Let us keep our own luggage.
With fewer people per aircraft, storing bags will be easier. So just let us carry around our own bags instead of entrusting you with them. Truth be told, we wouldn't trust you with a load of dirty socks and a couple of raggy shirts. How can we be sure? One of us recently lost a checked bag containing - take a guess - a load of dirty socks and a couple of raggy shirts.

Be faster.
Five hours from Los Angeles to New York? Who's got that kind of time? That trip shouldn't take any more than twenty minutes. Whichever one of you is the first to develop a cheap way to turn suborbital hops into a transportation mode will make immense amounts of money - not just from impatient people, but from those who like brief stays in microgravity as well.

Use non-explosive fuels.
The advantages of this point should be obvious.

Bring back the peanuts.
Many of you no longer distribute peanuts on your flights, on the grounds that some people are so allergic to peanuts that being in the same room - or the same crowded airliner - with peanuts causes severe reactions. But that's no reason to deny everyone peanuts. With more flights that carry fewer people, there is more space for flexibility. Just designate a few flights as Non-Peanut Flights. Those who want to avoid peanuts can be on those flights. Problem solved.