WEEKLY WHINE

Now that you've wasted a month...

With the 2002 Men's World Cup nearly concluded, it's time to hand out the trophies. FIFA have already taken care of the meaningful silverware like the Golden Ball, the Golden Boot, and the Most Entertaining Team award, so the awards left to us are more like plastic sporks. Anyway, the GoobNet Football Committee has chosen the following honourees, who may or may not be receiving these prizes. Not is more probable.

Note: By the time you read this, the tournament will probably be over already. So what.

GOOBNET FOOTBALL COMMITTEE MEMBERS

• Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO, GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn't actually exist however]
• Debbie Myers, host, Interaction
• Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater
• Deb Harratsch, editor, portHOLE[tm] by GoobNet

Best Hair: Kazuyuki TODA, Japan
Deb says: Japan were definitely the All-Hair team at this tournament, and leading the way, their bright red beacon of Toda. It was a clear message to Freddie Ljungberg: This is how you do a red streak.

Worst Hair: David BECKHAM, England
Deb says: Eeeegh. Must have been Vickie's idea - we all remember how the Spice Girls and style mixed like oil and bananas.

Best Name: Torsten FRINGS, Germany
Reg says: Try it. Torsten Frings!

Worst Name: DIDA, Brazil
Edvard says: He hasn't played. Phew!

Best Goal Celebration: Julius AGHAHOWA, Nigeria
Debbie says: Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. He didn't stick the landing, but who cares? In the Sweden match Nigeria got their only goal, and Aghahowa made it memorable.

Worst Goal Celebration: Christian VIERI, Italy
Debbie says: He scored against the Korea Republic. Fine. He put his finger to his mouth, telling the crowd to shut up. Fine. But then he and his teammates forgot to keep the crowd quiet, giving up a late equaliser and Ahn Jung Hwan's famous goal. If you're going to make gestures like that, back them up.

Lamest Team: France
Edvard says: Who else? Just think: If hitting the post counted, they'd be the leading scorers. Alas, hitting the post doesn't get you jack. And with three uninspired matches, that's exactly what France deserved. Note to Korea: If you're not careful, this could happen to you at Germany 2006.

Whiniest Team: Italy
Edvard says: Again, who else? Okay, they had a point, but they still complained about the refs in three straight matches. At some point you gotta put up or shut up. The Azzurri failed to do either.

Silliest Fans: Red Devils, Korea Republic
Reg says: "Be the Reds"? What the hell's that supposed to mean? Honourable mention goes to that Brazilian guy with a very good replica of the Jules Rimet Trophy - if there's one thing Brazilians know, it's World Cup trophies.

Potential Deodorant Pitchman Award: José Antonio CAMACHO, Spain
Reg says: Please tell me he took a dark blue marker and drew those circles on his shirt underneath his arms.

Silliest Referee: Saad MANE, Kuwait
Deb says: Any time you look at him, he's got a big smile. Doesn't matter if he's signalling a free kick, showing a card, or admonishing someone. To the Collina Stare, add the Mane Grin.

Blind, Deaf, and Dumb Luck Award: Landon DONOVAN, United States
Edvard says: This was in the Portugal match, possibly the silliest ninety minutes ever played at a Men's World Cup. "Well, I'll just try to cross it into the box here.... Huh? It's in? Well fuck me."

¡Autogolazo! Award: Jeff AGOOS, United States
Deb says: Same match. This was such an incredible own goal that from now on, the trophy shall be known as the Jeff Agoos ¡Autogolazo! Award.

Best Advert: "The Secret Tournament", Nike
Reg says: For the last four weeks the GoobNet offices have occasionally been graced with the sound of people singing to themselves, "A little less conversation, a little more action...". Look closely and you can tell it's Terry Gilliam on that one: The scorpion emblem looks a lot like the Twelve Monkeys symbol. There are several players from Brazil. And let's not forget the French guy taunting everyone from his high perch. Rumour has it the original script had Eric Cantona launching a cow at Edgar Davids.

Best Banner: "Welcome to Azzurri's Tomb", Korea Republic
Edvard says: I saw it before the match, and it seemed full of bravado and conceit. I saw it again after Ahn's golden goal, and it seemed full of passion and confidence.

Worst Banner: "Korea 5-0 Italy", Korea Republic
Reg says: Well, they did guess the winner correctly.

Best Uniforms: Primary kit, Slovenia
Debbie says: Too many teams wore dull outfits this time. Slovenia's were interesting, and not distracting like so many uniforms of the past; too bad the team didn't look anywhere near as good as their kits. The mountains on the front were a nice touch.

Worst Uniforms: Primary kit, Italy
Debbie says: Where to start? That pastel blue - ick. And it's completely unadorned, so the only place for your eye to rest is... the player's nipples. Did they have to wear such tight shirts? Deb liked it, but Edvard, Reg, and I outvoted her.

Silliest Uniforms: Primary kit, Belgium
Debbie says: Shirt, shorts, and socks were all a distinctive orange. Get this through your heads, Belgium: You are not the Netherlands! And you never will be! Honourable mention: Nigeria's primary kit, now available in Chernobyl Green.

Most Eligible Bachelor: Guus HIDDINK, Korea Republic
Deb says: Reg and Edvard abstained from this one. Debbie thought of lots of nominees, but they were all married, like Ahn Jung Hwan. I guess that tells you more about Debbie than you ever need to know. Anyway, Ahn married a Korean beauty queen, and Hiddink could probably have one if he wanted.