WEEKLY WHINE

Interaction: Evolution lifts off

Myers: Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Interaction, the programme in which world leaders and newsmakers take the challenge, unless you at home can't think of any challenges. We've made our way to sunny Florida today to take a look at the latest generation of space launchers, the Evolved Expendable Launch Vehicles. Just three days ago, our guests were in a drunken stupor celebrating the success of the first EELV, the Atlas 5 constructed by Lockheed Martin. The Atlas 5's first flight was described as "marvelous", "perfect", a "great success", and "majestic". Does that mean things are looking up in the space business? Or perhaps is their time up? Or are they just confused because there isn't a uniformly defined up in space? I'm Debbie Myers. On this evening's panel, we start with two people in the Atlas 5 programme. Mr Juan Francono is a software developer for the new launcher.

Francono: Yeah.

Myers: The Atlas 5's pad systems coordinator is here, Ms Gertrude Greene.

Greene: Hello.

Myers: From the rival Delta 4, energy allocator Ms Jen Takawira.

Takawira: Hello Debbie.

Myers: And down at the end, representing these vehicles' customers is Mr Paul Catraunda, satellite systems engineer for Vinelli Satellite Systems.

Catraunda: Nice to be here.

Myers: Thank you all for joining us on the programme. Juan, I'll go to you first and ask for your reaction to Wednesday's launch.

Francono: It worked, man! I was all afraid my decelInver() function was going to get stuck, with all my problems with that for loop in there and all that, but it flew a perfect mission! My friends told me, I showed them a thing or two about clearing the interval stack. Yeah.

Myers: Well, I'm sure you can consider that a success. Gertrude, what did the mission look like from your perspective on the launch pad?

Greene: Cloudy.

Myers: Noble sentiments there. Jen, what is the perspective from the rivals?

Takawira: They got so lucky. I bet they can't do it again.

Myers: A strong challenge from an opponent. Paul, how do satellite manufacturers feel about that flight?

Catraunda: We're definitely relieved. We'd been putting plenty of pressure on both companies, what with all the problems and delays with the Atlas 5 and the Delta 4. Hopefully now we can put all our differences behind us and work toward creating a more pleasant spacegoing family.

Myers: Well, any attempt to make the spacegoing family a pleasant one must surely start with the two largest players. Jen, as a representative of the Delta 4's maker, Boeing, how does the big space rivalry look to you?

Takawira: There never was a rivalry until Lockheed came along and started trying to build launchers. The industry was doing just fine with one provider. Now they come along trying to steal our profits, and just because they finish first means they get to launch first? Outrageous.

Myers: Juan, how do you feel about this rivalry?

Francono: I'm just stoked that all the software was right. The ground sequencer didn't miss a single event. It was ready to go as soon as the launch window opened. Everything was right. Yeah.

Myers: Gertrude, do you think the Atlas 5's performance this week is going to raise this rivalry to another level?

Greene: Yes.

Myers: Okay. On that note, it's time to move ahead to viewer questions. You can, as usual, get your questions to us by means of any of the methods currently depicted on your screen. We regret we are no longer able to accept questions by means of coming up behind us and shouting, due to a recent EU directive. Anyway, we have our first question this evening, and it's from Marge in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Marge, are you there?

Marge in Cheyenne: Am I on?

Myers: Yes, Marge, you are. What is your question?

Marge in Cheyenne: [faintly] Hey, I'm on!

Another Voice in Cheyenne: [faintly] Whoop-de-shit.

Marge in Cheyenne: [shouting, becoming fainter] Dammit Lester, don't you ever have anything intelligent to add? A little support here, please! I've been trying to get on this show for weeks, and now that I finally came up with a question smart enough for them, you have to go ragging ... [becoming inaudible]

Myers: Marge, are you there?

Marge in Cheyenne: [indistinct shouting]

Myers: Okay, Marge in Cheyenne seems to have lost touch, but our producer informs me that her question was about the military involvement in the EELV program. Gertrude, perhaps you can tell us about that.

Greene: Funding.

Myers: The program was funded by the US Air Force, is that right?

Greene: Mainly.

Myers: And what interest does the Air Force have in these launch vehicles?

Greene: Satellites.

Myers: But the satellite launched this week was not a military satellite.

Greene: True.

Myers: Paul, perhaps you can tell us more about what will be launched on these boosters.

Catraunda: The Air Force's main goal was to have high capacity launchers developed. They would buy some and launch defense satellites on them, but the EELVs were also intended to be available to the world's satellite making community. They really wanted to help the US take the lead in the launching industry again.

Myers: And how successful do you think this effort is going to be?

Catraunda: At Vinelli we're doing everything we can think of to help the Atlas 5 and the Delta 4 succeed. Just last week I sent a note of encouragement to the Delta program manager. I've got a copy of it here - it said "I encourage you to succeed, especially if you like your testicles where they are. Love, Paul."

Myers: Why don't I just move on to our next question. An E-mail from Chet in Kilmarnock, Scotland asks about the "clean pad" method that's being used for Atlas 5 missions. Gertrude, I'll go to you in a moment, but first, let's get a reaction from Jen, from the Delta 4 team.

Takawira: I always knew that the clean pad would be a mistake. They're going to have so many delays that could be avoided if they had a traditional pad access system. Most rockets, if something breaks when you're already on the pad, you have an access tower and an infrastructure that can fix it right away. They've got to truck it back into their assembly building and then back afterward, which is probably going to waste at least two days. I mean, what happens in twenty years, when the thing's as old as the Space Shuttle is now?

Greene: Six.

Takawira: Shut up.

Greene: [dismissively] Please.

Takawira: You're just asking for it, aren't you?

Greene: Slowpad.

Takawira: That doesn't even mean anything.

Greene: Whatever.

Takawira: Give it up. I can take you, no problem.

Greene: Yeah?

Takawira: Yeah! [flings Greene from her chair]

Greene: Bitch!

[Fight ensues.]

Francono: Catfight. Yeah.

Myers: That obviously means we've outstayed our welcome this evening, so let me once more thank Mr Paul Catraunda, Ms Jen Takawira, Ms Gertrude Greene, and Mr Juan Francono for their misadventures here today. Next week I'll continue my Western Hemisphere tour in Chicago, where we'll check in on the state of labour relations in Major League Baseball. We'll be joined by a team owner, the leader of the players' union, a fan representative, and a peanut vendor. Good night.

Catraunda: [drops horse's head onto Takawira and Greene] I encourage you two to stop fighting.

Francono: You tell them, Godfather. Yeah.