WEEKLY WHINE

What if baseball was more like...

Hi. We here at GoobNet are kind of bummed that the baseballers in the US failed to strike a couple of days ago. If they had, can you imagine what this week's Interaction would have been like? As it was, Interaction yesterday was quite dull, which is why we don't have a transcript available this week. Instead, we're going to do a theoretical exercise. What if baseball was organised like some other sports? Namely...

BASKETBALL

If Major League Baseball was organised like the National Basketball Association, the Texas Rangers would be within three games of a playoff berth because allowing more teams into the playoffs "generates revenue streams". All stadiums would have to be built with roofs to prevent rainouts. Teams would score a bonus run for home runs that travelled more than 130m or so. The season would start on 31 MAR instead of the traditional 01 APR just for the hey of it. [Wait, it already does.]

At the All-Star break, you would have to buy separate tickets for the Futures Game, the Home Run Derby, and the game itself. A halftime show would be held during the middle of the fifth inning of each World Series game, and random musicians would be brought in to perform random music wearing random outfits.

ICE HOCKEY

If the National Hockey League was used as a model for MLB, the league would have started with several teams in the US and the Dominican Republic, only to see most of the American teams move to Cuba and Venezuela. The birthplace of baseball would become jealous at all of the other places that have become baseball towns despite having the wrong climate [Santo Domingo, San Juan, Havana].

AMERICAN FOOTBALL

If MLB was run in the same way the National Football League is, Washington, DC would have been given an expansion team in 1978 to replace the Senators. This third iteration of the Senators would basically be like the Expos for a few years. Speaking of the Expos, they would eventually hire a manager who had often been turned down for high profile managing positions. They would also ditch their traditional blue-white-n-red for a random colour and some silly metal. The new manager would surprise everyone by leading the Expos to first place in their division. Many would expect them to win the Super Bowl the next year, but a closer controversy would tear the team apart.

Both leagues would use the designated hitter rule. In fact, the two way player era would come to an end as teams are permitted to use nine designated hitters.

All seven games of the World Series would be played on a single day: World Series Wednesday. This septupleheader would normally take about 24 hours, but since it cannot be played at normal speed, it would in fact take 32 hours. In the late innings of the seventh game, managers would be able to use anyone in the bullpen because the first six games put them to sleep and rested them well.

STOCK CAR RACING

If the National Association of Stock Car Automobile Racing was the basis of MLB's organisation, thirty teams, including the St Louis Budweisers, the New York Timeses, the Los Angeles Lockheed Martins, the Arizona Winnebagos, and the Baltimore Oreos would try each season to earn a place in the Toyota World Series, the winner of which would earn the Commissioner's and Hershey's Trophy.

In an effort to make the sport safer, officials would require baseballs to be made with more stitches to reduce their maximum velocity. Teams would be equipped with tools that can replace a pitcher in under fifteen seconds.

FORMULA ONE RACING

See Stock Car Racing. Additionally, safety concerns would be raised after the New York Timeses, who play in a baseball field assembled every home stand in Times Square, accidentally break a window in the Marriott on one of Jason Giambi's home runs.

TENNIS

If MLB ran itself as the Association of Tennis Professionals runs itself, teams would play games to improve their rankings, but they would have to face sanctions if they failed to play a sufficient number of games.

FOOTBALL

If MLB was organised like the Premiership of England, the team owners wouldn't have to worry about contracting the Expos and the Twins; both would have been relegated to Class AAA in 1996. The Seattle Mariners would be even richer than they are now, having collected hundreds of millions of dollars from the Texas Rangers in transfer fees for Alex Rodriguez. Two single elimination tournaments would be played simultaneously with the regular season, and managers would send second string sides to each. One of these would be full of "magic" or some such nonsense, this magic largely stemming from the fact that instead of going into extra innings, the teams go home if they're tied after nine innings. Then they charge their fans admission again, into a "replay".

Alternatively, if MLB was operated like the UEFA Champions League, there would be no interleague play. Nor, in fact, would there be any interdivision play. After the All-Star break, half of the teams would be eliminated. Then the other half would be drawn into different divisions, just for the hey of it. Revenue sharing would be the order of the day, with teams like the Montréal Expos and Tampa Bay Devil Rays earning big chunks of money just for being major league teams. There would be a lobby organisation called the G6, consisting of the Yankees, the Dodgers, the Mariners, the Red Sox, the Braves, and the Giants. This G6 would publicly state its goal as the protection of interests of large teams. Their secret goal, however, would be the creation of a Rich Guys League wherein they could play one another as much as they want without having to bother with trips to Milwaukee or Kansas City.

Oh, and one more thing: Joe Torre would be knighted.