WEEKLY WHINE

Somebody kick Europe

As you are no doubt aware, the new season of European football is now getting under way. Three competitions are being played - one is nearly through, and the others are just starting off. There are plenty of places where you can find out the results of the previous matches, but this is the first place you can find out what will happen in the next two weeks. Ready? Go.

UEFA INTERTOTO CUP

Most people think this tournament is pretty silly. But the people who say that would be surprised to find that they're right. Here's an idea offered free of charge from GoobNet to UEFA: Play the entire tournament at a single venue, say someplace like Kiev or Warsaw that never gets to host the Champions League final or other super high profile events. Rename it the UEFA Cup Qualifying Tournament. Succeed.

Anyway, last week the first leg of the "finals" were played. The results were 01-00, 02-02, and 00-01. Here are the results of next week's second legs:

TUE 27 AUG 2002: Málaga [ESP] 02-01 Villarreal [ESP]
In the first leg, Málaga beat their Primera División rivals 1-0 on the road. In this leg they will extend their lead with a first half goal from Gerardo García, the first leg goalscorer. In the second half, Villarreal forward Martín Palermo will score on a powerful strike; so hard, in fact, that the ball will ricochet out of Málaga's net and fly right back into the other goal to make the score 2-1, which it will remain at full time.

TUE 27 AUG 2002: VfB Stuttgart [GER] 00-00 Lille [FRA]
Lille, who went to the Champions League last season, won the first leg 1-0 and will reach the UEFA Cup by coming away with a goalless draw in this match. VfB's Jochen Seitz, who was injured in the warmups before the first leg, will be back in time for this match only to sprain his ankle walking to the bench after being substituted in the second half. Lille goalkeeper Gregory Wimbée will get the shutout by continually shouting his name in a sort of high pitched squeal, which will confuse the hell out of the Stuttgart attackers.

TUE 27 AUG 2002: Fulham [ENG] 05-04 Bologna [ITA]
The high scoring first leg finished 2-2 in Italy, with Giuseppe Signori scoring twice from the penalty spot. In this match he will put his name in the record books with a natural hat trick, all on penalties. Unfortunately, he will also register a natural own goal hat trick.

UEFA CUP

This tournament is a bit more popular, but it's too big. All told, 137 teams, including Intertoto Cup "champions" Málaga, Lille, and Fulham, will take part in the UEFA Cup proper or its qualifying round. Who can keep track of all those teams? I don't know.

THU 29 AUG 2002: CSKA Sofia [BGR] 02-00 Dinamo Minsk [BLR]
CSKA Sofia effectively decided this series in the first half of their match. By halftime they were leading 3-0 in Minsk on their way to a 4-1 win. They will complete the job in this match by just shooting from wherever they get an open look - including the opening kickoff, their goal kicks, and their wives' workplaces. Minsk coach Andrei Zygmantovich, who blamed himself for his side's first leg loss, will this time blame his cat.

THU 29 AUG 2002: TVMK Tallinn [EST] 00-00 Dinamo Tblisi [GEO]
The other Dinamo in this UEFA Cup qualifying round is Dinamo Tblisi of Georgia, who won their first leg 4-1. Thinking they have this result in hand, they will not send a full strength side into Estonia for the return leg; instead, the players' cats will show up. Irakly Zoidze's tabby Rockot, in goal for Dinamo, will make a series of fine saves to prevent TVMK from recovering their first leg deficit. The best opportunity for the Estonians will occur when Dinamo defender Carlos Da Rocha's Siamese cat Pentacampão is booked for handball in his own area, but Rockot will make another excellent save on Anton Mokolenko's penalty attempt.

THU 29 AUG 2002: Maccabi Tel-Aviv [ISR] 01-02 Levadia Tallinn [EST] [F/OT]
TVMK's crosstown rivals, Levadia Tallinn, will be even more unlucky; they will fail to reach the UEFA Cup first round by losing to Maccabi Tel-Aviv. Maccabi, winners of the first leg 2-0 at Tallinn, will see their lead evaporate on two goals by Pavel Apalinski in the first two minutes. This will prompt Maccabi goalkeeper Liran Strauber to say "Okay, now we're playing for real". Only in Hebrew. The match will end 2-0 and force overtime, which will be delayed when the referee's coin flip slips through an opening in the grass and into the secret lab under the pitch. Maccabi captain Tal Banin, who chose to kick off after correctly calling evens, will drive down and score in the first minute of overtime.

THU 29 AUG 2002: ÍBV [ISL] 0x0A-0x0E AIK [SWE]
In recognition of this alphabet soup match between ÍBV Vestmannæyjar and AIK Solna, the teams will agree to play the match in hexadecimal. Krister Nordin, wearing the number 0x0E shirt, will score five goals, including a hat trick after 0x1E minutes. Defending will be quite lax, not least because everyone will be occupied trying to decipher the clock display on the scoreboard. Tomas Tomasson, wearing number 0x45, will come on as a substitute, with the scoreboard identifying his birthdate as the sixth of July 0x7B1. About ten minutes later, someone in the ÍBV fan club's section will suddenly shout "Nineteen sixty nine!" and, throughout the remainder of the match, will receive many congratulatory pats on the back, plus a job offer from an Icelandic ISP.

UEFA CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

Why win when you can make money? That's the mantra of the Champions League, which pays hefty sums of cash to each of the teams that survive into the first group stage.

WED 28 AUG 2002: Dynamo Kiev [UKR] 00-00 Levski Sofia [BGR]
Most Eastern European nations have a law on their books requiring at least one football team to be named Dinamo or Dynamo. In the Ukraine that task falls to Dynamo Kiev, who won the first leg 1-0 in Sofia. Slavoljub Muslin, Levski coach, said that the better team lost that match. Clearly offended, Dynamo coach Oleksiy Mykhaylychenko will spend the entire match making faces at Muslin when he's not looking. That will force his assistant coaches and the players to argue about formations and tactics throughout the match, and so they will wind up making faces at one another when the other isn't looking.

TUE 27 AUG 2002: Inter Milan [ITA] 00-00 Sporting Lisbon [POR] [F/OT; PK 07-06]
The opening leg of this series was also a goalless draw. In the second leg, both sides will be trying to score, sort of. Their shot attempts will not really be completely blind, but many of the shots will be taken with one eye shut. Inter's Domenico Morfeo will have to be substituted in the 77th minute when his clipon sunglasses break. Finally, the match will go to penalties, and the first thirteen attempts will all go in. Sporting's captain, Pedro Barbosa, will miss the fourteenth attempt by hitting the left post, and the ball will bounce back off the right post, off Inter goalkeeper Francesco Toldo, and finally out rolling to a stop at Barbosa's feet, as though mocking him.

TUE 27 AUG 2002: Manchester United [ENG] 03-03 Zalaegerszeg [HUN]
Money United were stunned last week when they lost 1-0 in Budapest to last season's Hungarian champions. Wes Brown, hurt in that match, and Rio Ferdinand, injured in a previous friendly, will be unable to play in this match. First leg hero Béla Koplárovics will run around shouting, "Nah nah na-nah nah, you can't catch me!" until Ruud van Nistelrooy catches him. The 3-3 draw will eliminate the side in red, and Man U coach Sir Alex Ferguson will recover from the disappointment to sing "Always Look On the Bright Side of Life" with the team's beat reporters.