WEEKLY WHINE

Interaction: Pitch invaders from Neptune!

Myers: Hello, and welcome to another edition of Interaction, the sixty minutes that induce feelings of motion sickness in people who watch whilst they're on roller coasters. Our topic of discussion this week is keeping sporting venues safe from the fans. About a week and a half ago we witnessed two strange incidents, one here in England, the other in the United States, during which spectators annoyed and even harmed the participants in a sporting event. Are we doing enough to prevent people from being stupid? Or is this just part of the sporting experience? Or, alternatively, did they deserve it? Here to further muddle our opinions are, first, from the Birmingham Police, Captain Edward Monsanto.

Monsanto: Good evening.

Myers: Joining us in Chicago, IL, USA is Ms Chandra Vagabond, press interface for Major League Baseball's Chicago White Sox.

Vagabond: Hm? Hi.

Myers: In Seattle, WA, USA, the vice president of venue inspection at Sport Security Services, Ms Ulbea de Ful.

de Ful: Hi there.

Myers: And here with me in our Warwickshire studios is Mr Todd Shutt, the secretary of the English Lawn Bowlers League and a retired pitch invader.

Shutt: Hey man.

Myers: Thank you all for joining us this evening. Going to you first Capt Monsanto, could you briefly tell us about the incidents that occurred at the Birmingham-Aston Villa Premier League football match on MON 16 SEP 2002?

Monsanto: Yes. Birmingham, playing in their home ground, St Andrews, defeated local rivals Aston Villa in the clubs' first competitive match against one another for sixteen years. Birmingham won by a 3-0 scoreline, but each of their goals was followed by a pitch invasion comprised of roughly fifty spectators on each occasion. In fact, after the second goal, one invader ran up to the goalkeeper who conceded it, Peter Enckleman. Needless to say, these were deplorable acts that spoilt the fun for the many well behaved customers in attendance, and the Football Association is investigating all reports relating to this match.

Myers: An unusual night there. Chandra, could you tell us about what happened at the White Sox's game with the Kansas City Royals on THU 19 SEP 2002?

Vagabond: Wha? Oh, that. Kansas City was leading 2-1 in the top of the ninth inning, and these two guys suddenly appeared and punched the Royals' first base coach, Tom Gamboa. Everybody on the Royals' bench came out and pulled the guys away. The coach escaped serious injury, and the attackers are now awaiting trial.

Myers: Another strange spectacle. Ulbea, are these incidents really avoidable?

de Ful: I think the best way to reduce the likelihood of such pitch invasions is to stop selling alcohol at sporting events. But that's not going to happen any time soon, so security at sporting events is just going to have to deal with silly things like this.

Myers: I'm sure we can all relate to that. Todd, what have your experiences as a pitch invader shown you about these incidents?

Shutt: Too much, man. Invading the pitch used to be fun. And it used to get you on the news, too. Now these crazies are ruining it for the honest pitch invaders. As a pitch invader, you never want to interact directly with anyone down there, and you especially don't want to hurt them. You just want to get in, run around, and then get out of the way so that they can start playing again.

Myers: Well, Todd, I suppose you represent the established generation of pitch invaders. But perhaps we're witnessing a new generation, one that seeks to interrupt action rather than complement it. Ulbea, will stadium security measures have to be changed given this new threat?

de Ful: I think not. These incidents happen very rarely, so security officers' time is better spent focussing on other threats. Having said that, though, I've long pushed for tranquilizer darts to be included in stadium security officers' weapons. That would have been useful in each of the cases we're discussing.

Myers: Do the White Sox share this view, Chandra?

Vagabond: Hmm? Oh. Yeah. Tranquilizer darts. Yeah. That'd be cool.

Myers: Capt Monsanto, do you think Birmingham needs to modify its security measures?

Monsanto: Yes. It is our opinion that things could have been improved by two factors. One, a stronger and more visible security force immediately in front of the stands. And two, the use of trap doors surrounding the pitch. This method would have prevented these ugly mob scenes, and furthermore, it would have allowed the offenders to be dropped directly into holding cells for easy control and arrest.

Myers: In that case, it's time to move on to viewer questions. The various addresses, codes, and text strings that you need to send us your questions are appearing on your screen now, and they'll go away off the left hand side of - I'm sorry, it's the right hand side of your screen. So we start with a telegraphed question from Marv Edgeworth in Copenhagen, Denmark, who asks what's so exciting about invading a pitch anyway. Todd, what is so exciting about invading a pitch?

Shutt: It's the best, man. It's like wearing your trousers backward.

Myers: Um, how's that?

Shutt: You wear your trousers backward, and it's a liberating experience. You don't have to zip in front - you can just zip in back instead. Running around on a pitch is a lot like that. Especially if you can get past the fuzz.

Myers: Okay. Well, next we have a question from Nora in Male, Maldives. Are you there, Nora?

Nora in Male: What?

Myers: Do you copy, Nora?

Nora in Male: What?

Myers: Nora, this is Debbie from Interaction. Do you read?

Nora in Male: Yes, I read the newspaper every Tuesday.

Myers: Er, what is your question, Nora?

Nora in Male: What?

Myers: [loudly, carefully] What is your question?

Nora in Male: I want to talk about the incidents in Europe.

Myers: Could you be more specific?

Nora in Male: What?

Myers: Which incidents in Europe?

Nora in Male: What?

Myers: [even more loudly and carefully] Which incidents did you have in mind?

Nora in Male: The ones involving racist abuse at football matches.

Myers: I see. Well, there were three incidents of note over the past two weeks, in Valencia, Spain and Split, Croatia last week, as well as this week in Eindhoven, Netherlands. Thierry Henry of Arsenal, playing at PSV, said that fans shouted abuse at him and threw things. Obviously these are further challenges with which stadium security must deal. Ulbea, what really can be done about instances such as this?

de Ful: There are a few post facto measures that can be taken, such as fining the club involved, but what is important is to be able to prevent these things from happening in the first place. One possible action might be to invent force shields to raise around the field, so that anything that people throw will bounce back in their faces. That should make people think twice about their actions.

Myers: Capt Monsanto, as a police officer you must surely have dealt with racist behaviour. What measures would you suggest?

Monsanto: Unfortunately there seems to be much truth in the maxim "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups". The sad truth is that individuals who wouldn't normally misbehave in such a manner are encouraged to do so by their neighbours. So, perhaps we could take the people who have done things like this and move them randomly. Then, with any luck, they would then be next to people who are a good influence on them.

Myers: Doesn't that amount to treating grown individuals like children, though?

Monsanto: Yes, but treating them like adults hasn't worked.

Myers: Hm. Chandra, prior to last week's incident, had the White Sox had any trouble with fans this season?

Vagabond: Wh? Mm? Oh. Yeah. No. Not really. I mean, people were making a fuss back when the strike was imminent, but they weren't actually violent or anything.

Myers: And what of those involved in the attack last week?

Vagabond: Rr? Sh? Oh, yeah, them. They were just stupid. One of them had a pretty ugly tattoo. They weren't wearing any shirts.

Myers: What exactly was their motivation in the first place?

Vagabond: Hm? Oh. Yeah, I don't know. One of them said that Tom Gamboa had provoked them somehow. We all know that's nonsense. He kind of blocks everything out during games. I'd bumped into him during one of the Royals' games here earlier this year, and he barely noticed. Hell, sometimes I'm like that.

Myers: I'll bet you are. Our next question comes from Lyta Luz in Paramaribo, Venezuela, who asks in an E-mail whether such disturbances are limited to mainstream sports like baseball and football. Todd, have such things happened to you in the Lawn Bowlers League?

Shutt: Sometimes, man. But we have a rule that anyone who invades the pitch of a lawn bowling match gets bowled themselves. That tends to help, dude.

Myers: Ulbea, as a security consultant, do you concern yourself with pitch invasions for other sports?

de Ful: Yes, we always have to consider that possibility. The other problem is that in professional wrestling, when a spectator appears to enter the ring, the whole thing is often staged. Like on Wrestling Implosion last week, when the Pebble swung from a seat in the upper deck into the ring. We helped plan that, and we made sure to put all the expendable fans under his path.

Myers: Um, well, that's going to have to do it for Interaction this week. Let me just thank Mr Todd Shutt, Ms Ulbea de Ful, Ms Chandra Vagabond, and Captain Edward Monsanto for joining us this week. In a week's time we'll discuss the army mutiny in Côte d'Ivoire, and I'll be joined by the Ivorian antimutiny minister, an Ivorian immigrant, a football team trainer who escaped this week, and a historian of African mutiny attempts in countries with capitals that start with A. Good night.

Vagabond: Hm? Wh? Wr? Um? Oh. Yeah. Good night. [slumps over]

Myers: What time is it over there, anyway?