WEEKLY WHINE

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Yes, it's time for another Mixed Up Horoscope. This is where we provide advice that will actually help you rather than hinder you. Actual horoscopes, of course, do the latter, because they're based upon a faulty premise: that the future can be predicted, with reasonable certainty, from the present. Anybody who learned quantum mechanics will instantly see the flaw. Namely, the future proceeds in probabilistic fashion. The upshot is that upcoming events in your life cannot be plotted using the relative positions of a few dots with respect to an arbitrarily selected sphere; they can be plotted using the team that you're rooting for in this year's baseball playoffs.

Remember: If you don't like your prediction, go look at your favourite players' contracts.

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS
You will have a lot of spare time over the next couple of weeks. This would be a good time to take up a hobby, like figuring out what your state's Four Cs are supposed to be. If you play golf, you may see a tall guy with a mustache. Be sure to tell him if you've already got one. You will not get cold this winter - be sure to make fun of everyone who will. Many of your key policies will be implemented this week, including the Banana Splits for Breakfast policy.

ST LOUIS CARDINALS
You are a hyperactive person whose favourite activities include walking around squares that measure about 25m on a side, going up arches, and opening boxes. Your shoes could use a good polish. Your traditional Tuesday meal of rice flavoured spaghetti could be carcinogenic, so be sure to check the label. Your mind and body are about as clean as they'll ever be in the next few weeks. Your lucky number is 70, and your lucky fruit is the mango.

ATLANTA BRAVES
You should put more sunscreen on your neck and trade in your pickup truck for a Yugo. You will like the events that happen to you in the next three months. But the month after that, look out. Hoo boy, will things go to hell after that. One way to avoid this is to increase your corn intake. Failing that, you could at least try professional counseling.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
You are between zero and ten metres in height, and your largest medical problem this month will be having things stuck in your elbows. A new love interest will come your way soon, which will strike you as odd considering that there wasn't really anything wrong with the old one.

OAKLAND ATHLETICS
Five things will happen to you today, in order.

MINNESOTA TWINS
Rotation is your strong suit; be sure to remember that, as it will come in handy this week. You will go 3-1-3 in arguments this week, a record that will qualify you for the argument playoffs in a month's time. Your television set will begin to pick up static at an alarming rate, which will make you want to watch a different station or at least get digital cable. But think twice about that. After all, do you really want the Speed Channel?

NEW YORK YANKEES
You suck.

ANAHEIM ANGELS
Your future depends upon whether you are just a bandwagoner or a legitimate, long suffering Angels supporter. If the former, some horrible misfortune will befall you on Thursday of next week. If the latter, you will leave your job sometime between now and one hundred twenty years from now. Your lucky inning is the fifth.

DON'T CARE ABOUT BASEBALL
You suck. But at least you're not a Yankees fan.