WEEKLY WHINE

Send out the fiscal police

Every once in a while, we sic the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] on a problem, like why the hell "sic" has become a word. This week's focus is why so many football clubs in Europe are running out of money. For most of us, the solution is obvious: Don't spend money you don't have. But of course, in big expensive professional sports, not only is spending money you don't have permissible, it is a requirement. So, we here at the GoobNet SPEED have come up with the following possible ways to fix these financial problems.

PROPOSAL: Close the transfer windows.
SYNOPSIS: A new rule this year is that teams can't transfer players outside predetermined windows, which include the preseason and the winter break. But if we don't allow transfers in the windows, clubs save more money.
ANALYSIS: From a theoretical standpoint, it makes more sense for players to decide where they play than the club chairpeople. But from a practical standpoint, it makes more sense for money to decide. Besides, wouldn't it get kind of odd if the Real Madrid players were stuck with one another for the rest of their lives?

PROPOSAL: Share revenues.
SYNOPSIS: Some of the professional leagues over in the US have the rich teams pay the poor teams. Sounds clever, doesn't it?
ANALYSIS: As it stands now, if you wanted to support Arsenal, you'd buy their shirt. With revenue sharing, if you bought an Arsenal shirt, the money would go to West Bromwich Albion, Birmingham City, Fulham, and everybody who isn't Arsenal. So if you really wanted to support Arsenal, you'd buy everyone's shirt. But in the end, this would just make things worse. Clubs would continue to spend other people's money, and they would even start spending other clubs' money.

PROPOSAL: Create a new currency.
SYNOPSIS: You know how Monopoly has its own money? Monopoly's a game. Football's a game. Why not create Football Money, usable only for football-related purposes?
ANALYSIS: The trouble with this proposal is that the clubs' staffs have to be paid real money somehow. Leicester City in England, for example, fired their launderer because they can't afford to pay her in real money. What will happen when we take away all of their real money and replace it with Football Money? But note that the players themselves don't need to be paid real money, because, after all, people like Ronaldo "My hair's cool", Dave "No, my hair's cool" Beckham, and Fabien "Hair? What's that?" Barthez aren't real people.

PROPOSAL: Let players trade themselves.
SYNOPSIS: If it really does make more sense for players to decide where they play, doesn't that mean they should be able to go up to one another and say, "Hey Andy, I want to play for Man U. Want to come here to Leeds?"?
ANALYSIS: This would be really cool - especially if they were allowed to do this during matches.