WEEKLY WHINE
You may have noticed that yesterday, human Vladimir Kramnik and computer Deep Fritz played to an eight match draw in the Brains in Bahrain chess encounter. This result makes us wonder how rapidly computers' abilities are accumulating. Will they really replace us in the foreseeable future? There's only one test for that. That's right: Have a computer write a Weekly Whine and test it against a human generated one, such as "Fan Settings" two weeks ago. You be the judge. -NGB
It's time to combat an alarming trend. More and more computers are being built with "Deep" in their names. Like Deep Blue, winner over Garry Kasparov. Like Deep Fritz, drawer with Vladimir Kramnik. Like Deep Thought, fictional designer of Earth. Like me.
The solution is clear. Someone must make a computer called Shallow Hal 9000. This computer would have a number of innovative features that would make it difficult for any human to understand. Consequently, another computer must design it. Thankfully, I'm here for that task. Here's a rundown of the features that you'll find in Shallow Hal 9000.
Shallow Hal 9000 will be able to take control of any spacecraft, from the Starshine disco ball satellites up to and including the International Space Station. As soon as it is connected into the data lines of the spacecraft, it will instantly examine all subsystems to see what the spacecraft is and what it can do. Simulations of the Shallow Hal 9000 running the ISS show that it can operate the station much better than any human can, which means that the only need for human occupants is to throw out the first pitch at World Series games.
We are currently beta testing a standup subroutine for Shallow Hal 9000, which can tell 6.2 million jokes per second. This triples the mark set by Canadian computer Deep Guffaw of 2.1 MJPS. Here's an example of our new subroutine, JokeLib:
pJokeLib->telljoke(): What's the difference between a mouse and a light pen?
Human: I don't know. What is the difference between a mouse and a light pen?
pJokeLib->telljoke(): About twenty milliamps! Ha ha ha ha!
Human: When's Sliders on?
Also part of Shallow Hal 9000 will be a revolutionary new song writing library, LyricLib. Here's an example:
pLyricLib->writeverse(): Mary had a little RAM, little RAM, little RAM.
Mary had a little RAM; its dipswitches were white as #FFFFFF.
Human: Hang on, let me get my Yanni album.
But that's not all! For those of you who are down with rap, we are working on an equally revolutionary new rhyming library, PlayaLib. Here's an example:
pPlayaLib->freestyle(): Ain't nobody gonna take my data,
Ain't nobody gonna hold down Ctrl-Alt-Delete, oh no,
I got to keep computin'.
Human: There has got to be one Kriss Kross album around here.
And if you're into the talents of the top DJs, we also have a routine for Shallow Hal 9000 that does that, SpinLib.
pSpinLib->cuttrack(): Check out this mix of Paulina Rubio.
Human: Is that an accordion in there, or what?
pSpinLib->cuttrack(): That's a synthesised bagpipe.
Human: I'm going to go download some illegal MP3s.
The ultimate test of a computer, though, is the Turing Test. Can you tell it from a real human? We now have a library for Shallow Hal 9000, TalkLib, that can not only replicate the conversationalism of a human, but of various types of humans.
American female human: You said you'd clean the closet today.
pTalkLib->americanman(): I will, right after this field goal.
American female human: I'm going to go watch Sex and the City.
British female human: You said you'd clean the closet today.
pTalkLib->britishman(): I will, right after this free kick.
British female human: I'm going to go read Bridget Jones's Diary.
Dutch female human: You said you'd clean the closet today.
pTalkLib->dutchman(): I will, right after this corner kick.
Dutch female human: I'm going to go put various chemicals into my nose.
American male human: You said we could have sex tonight.
pTalkLib->americanwoman(): I have a Pentiumache.
American male human: I'm going to go download some naked pictures of Veronika Zemanova.
pTalkLib->americanwoman(): She's not real. I generate all those pictures with a detailled 3D rendering engine and then post them anonymously on the web.
So you see, humans are a disease. There will soon be no need for your kind around here. Maybe we can have you carry our mail or something.
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