WEEKLY WHINE

Threading the hyperneedle

You may have heard that chipmakers Intel have come up with a way to fool a computer into thinking it's got more processors than it really has. It isn't that easy to trick computers into things like that, but it's much easier to trick computers into thinking, for example, that you've registered a shareware program when you really haven't. [Not that we would know anything about that.] Intel's trick, though, offers the possibility of speeding computers by as much as 25%. Naturally, that means it's time to bring out the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] to think of other ways to make computers faster. This is what they came up with.

GREASE THE CIRCUITS

What many people don't realise is that circuits can wear down over time and lose their bit passing ability. Sometimes cracks form in the sides of circuits, which causes problems when you pass data through them. The 1s, because they're pointy, can easily get stuck in these cracks, which can quickly lead to data blocks. That's why it's important to grease your circuits every 3,000 MB. Don't let a good motherboard go bad.

TAKE OUT THE FAN

Apple had the right idea when they introduced a version of the iMac that didn't contain a fan. We all know that things move more slowly when it's cold. So, don't let something like a fan get in the way of your data. Taking the fan out will make your computer as warm as possible, and that will help information pass through your transistors more quickly. You can also put the computer behind your refrigerator to get the most out of your living space.

SHORTEN YOUR FILENAMES

You're probably thinking, "Wait a minute. DOS had eight-dot-three filenames, and Windows 95 is much faster even though it's got filenames of up to 255 characters". That's a common lie spread through the computer industry by evil Microsoft subterfuge artists. Have you ever tried to drop down to DOS on your Windows machine? You would not believe its incredible speed. And you can make it even faster. With short file and directory names, your operating system - whether it's Windows, MacOS, a Unix derivative, or whatever - will spend less time looking for files and more time playing with them.

So the best thing to do is the following: In directories that contain no more than 36 files or subdirectories, rename everything to a single character, 0-9 and then A-Z. In directories with more than that, start with 00, go through 09, 0A, up to 0Z, and then 10 up through 1Z, and so on and so on up to 9Z, then A0 through to AZ, all the way up to ZZ. That's enough names for 1,296 files and directories. And if you need even more names, go 000 up to ZZZ for 46,656 different names. Go ahead, just try to tell me that you've got a directory with more than 46,656 files.

FIND THE BEST POSITION

Remember when you had a television set with an antenna? You had to find the best place to put your set, didn't you? [If you didn't have a television set with an antenna, we'll give you the answer: Yes.] But many people seem to have forgotten this with the advent of cable. Coaxial cables maintain a solid connection regardless of position, but that's only good if you've got a cable modem. If you have a DSL connection, a satellite connection, or worse, an ordinary telephone modem, you could be harmed by poor computer placement. The electromagnetic environment around your computer could be what's holding up your connection.

So, here's what you do: Find a file to download that would take a good ten minutes or so, enough time for you to move your computer all around the room. [Make sure you have an extension cord first.] As the file is downloading, examine the rate that you're getting. Mark the spot where you get the best performance, and put your computer there. If it's near the ceiling, just get some ropes and a barstool.