WEEKLY WHINE

And the winner is... nobody

Here's what's shaking and baking in the world of politics. Normally, GoobNet does not condone the use of politics for any reason, public or private. However, there is one good thing about politics: It's good for a cheap laugh.

SERBIA: VOTING WITH THEIR COUCHES

Today, the people of Serbia are voting for their president. Well, sort of. You see, up until now Serbia and Montenegro had been the last remaining parts of the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia. But now the nation is changing its name to - take a wild guess - Serbia and Montenegro. The two parts of the nation will have their own presidents, their own currency, their own fiscal policies. But they'll still share a carpool to work.

But they still don't know what to do about the breakaway republic of Kosovo. The latest proposal was that it would remain part of Serbia, but Montenegro would have visiting rights two weekends a month.

As for the elections in Serbia, there's a big problem: people don't care. The leading candidate is the last Yugoslav president, Vojislav Kostunica, but there's no guarantee that a majority will get him the win. By the Serbian constitution, at least 50% of registered voters must cast their ballots; if not, the result is nullified and they have to start over. The incumbent, Milan Milutinovic, has been indicted for war crimes in Kosovo, but until he leaves office, he's got immunity. You think he'll go on a "diplomatic tour" just before his term expires?

The second round of elections, in OCT 2002, saw a turnout of 46%, which didn't do it. Now Kostunica faces a difficult challenge: encouraging people to go into bad weather and vote. One of his rivals, Vojislav Seselj, has succeeded in this area with the aid of an anti-Western platform, under which they would try to eliminate the influences of Michael Jackson and Winona Ryder.

UNITED STATES: VOTING WITH THEIR MUDGUARDS

Blech. A nasty mudslinging battle between Mary Landrieu and Suzanne Haik Terrell finally came to an end this week when Landrieu won their runoff election. The last of the Senate seats to be decided, the result now means that the next class of senators will be divided as follows: 51 Republicans and 49 Democrats; 44 interesting people and 56 boring people; 74 interested people and 26 bored people; 100 corrupt people and 0 honest people.

But seriously, there was quite a bit of negative advertising in the weeks leading up to this election. Terrell accused Landrieu of supporting abortions [which she does, in some circumstances], and Landrieu responded by accusing Terrell of supporting George W Bush [which she does, in some circumstances].

The turnout was about 45%. Good thing this isn't Serbia. And speaking of Serbia, their minimum turnout rule is now starting to be duplicated in other places. For example, in Chicago, the mayoral election is valid only if 50% of registered dead voters cast ballots.

UNITED KINGDOM: VOTING WITH THEIR BLINDFOLDS

Gone are the days when we could talk about the Miss World pageant without having to put it under the header of "politics".

Anyway, this week, Azra Akin of Turkey was named Miss World, a title that also applies to returning International Space Station crewmembers Valery Korzun, Sergei Treschev, and Peggy Whitson. The show was supposed to be held in Nigeria, but shortly after it got underway, several cities became embroiled in religious violence. The rioting, which left more than 200 dead, started with a newspaper article that claimed that Miss India was a centimetre taller than she actually is.

It seems as if the pageant is finally making some changes. They say Miss Zimbabwe lost all chance of the title when she told the spectators that she likes to babysit. But on the other end of the spectrum were contestants like Miss England, an Oxford student whose ambitions include learning the guitar and leading "a happy and fulfilling life". What, the guitar isn't fulfilling enough?

Currently going on in Nigeria is the Women's African Nations Cup football tournament. Last week I met a guy named Mohammed who approved of the tournament. And he even wanted to marry Mercy Akide.