WEEKLY WHINE

Kneecapping 2002

Did you ever consider why everyone feels the need to review every year? No? Neither did we. So that's why we're going to do it too.

Note: Yeah, we know. The year isn't over yet. Shut up.

GOOBNET 2002 REVIEW COMMITTEE MEMBERS

• Nathan S Brown, managing editor, GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn't actually exist however]
• Debbie Myers, host, Interaction
• Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater
• Deb Harratsch, editor, portHOLE[tm] by GoobNet

Best Retirement: Strom THURMOND, United States
Debbie says: It's always exciting to see people walk off into the sunset. Or limp off, as the case may be. Anyway, do you think he stayed in the Senate so long just so that he could get one of those self recharging gold watches?

Worst Comment at Someone's Retirement: Trent LOTT, United States
Nathan says: What a great guy you are, Strom! You know, if you'd been elected president, we'd be so happy now. What was your platform again?... Oh. Never mind.

Best Film: The Good Girl, United States
Edvard says: A captivating story about the evolution of rural society. I hereby retract all previous comments about Jennifer Aniston's acting abilities.

Worst Film: The Adventures of Pluto Nash, United States
Edvard says: Know why this lunar colony-set comedy failed? Eddie Murphy only played one role. Dishonourable mention to the latest Bond instalment, Die Another Day, which is pissing off Korea DPR as we speak.

Best Event: Deployment of euro cash, Europe
Debbie says: They look kind of funny, and they weren't really transitioned in as shoved down citizens' throats. Still, after only two months, much of the Eurozone couldn't have cared less about their outmoded currency. Memo to my fellow Brits: It's time to decide. Do you want to be European or not?

Worst Event: Naval battle between the Koreas
Deb says: Can't we all just get along? There were already enough signs that the peace process was stalling, and this happens. Well, at least George W Bush had nothing to do with that.

Best Website: Spaceflight Now, Earth
Nathan says: Props to Bill Harwood and Justin Ray for covering all the space news of the year, particularly the successes of the Atlas 5 and Delta 4, the various Space Shuttle flights, and the Lance Bass saga [more on that later].

Worst Website: CNN.com, United States
Nathan says: Yeesh. And you thought it had a pro-US bias before TUE 11 SEP 2001. Too many news sites say "Hey, here's what's going on in Côte d'Ivoire. Isn't that interesting?" instead of "Hey, here's what's going on in Côte d'Ivoire, and here's why it's important."

Silliest Website: BBC Sport's "Funny Old Game" section, United Kingdom
Deb says: You've got to love any site with a reporter named "Caroline Cheese". This week, learn snooker players' recreational tendencies in "Sex or Space Invaders?" [Hey, why not both?] My favourite, though, has got to be Tom Fordyce's attempt at a ten minute ice bath, which Paula Radcliffe claimed is her postrace treatment.

'Bunch of Savages in This Town' Award: Los Angeles, CA, United States
Debbie says: Can't they ever celebrate a championship peacefully?
Nathan says: Yes. The Sparks', Galaxy's, and Angels' championships were all celebrated peacefully.
Debbie says: Fine. Can't they ever celebrate a Lakers' championship peacefully?
Nathan says: Let me get back to you on that.

Best Lance in Space: Lance ARMSTRONG, United States
Deb says: For all of the finagling, arguing, and moneygrubbing in the Lance Bass will-he-or-won't-he-fly-to-the-ISS story, we now have word from weekly magazine Sports Illustrated that cyclist Lance Armstrong wants to fly in space. Let's all say it together: "That's one small pedal for a cyclist, one giant leap for cyclekind."

Best Sporting Event: Turkey-Korea Republic, third place match, 2002 Men's World Cup
Edvard says: From Hakan Sükür's eleven second goal to Song Chong Gug's stoppage time strike, this was one hell of a football match, made all the sweeter by the knowledge that these two sides would be lauded as heroes in their respective nations regardless of the result.

Worst Sporting Event: MLB All-Star Game, United States
Nathan says: Let them play! Bud "I was in a no-win situation" Selig terminated the All-Star game early because both managers forgot that baseball can go into extra innings. I think the real problem was that players kept leaving after they were taken out of the game. If you're so keen on this sport, why not actually stay and watch some of it?

Sorest Losers: Stade Olympique l'Emyrne, Madagascar
Deb says: This football club lost 149-0 to rivals AS Adema in a league match - because they kept scoring own goals. After the referee issued a decision against them, their coach told them to send every kickoff into their own net. Which is worse: that he made them do that, or that they actually did it 149 times?

Master of the Obvious Award: Bruce ARENA, United States
Edvard says: My favourite Arenaism of this summer was: "We'll likely put eleven guys on the field and see how that works." Brucie, I think it's time someone told you that this is football. You have to put eleven guys on the field.

'Shall I Tie Those Laces Tighter, Your Majesty' Award: Mike RICCI, Canada
Debbie says: Her Majesty the Queen attended a hockey match in Vancouver, BC a couple of months ago. At the ceremonial faceoff where she dropped the puck, San Jose Sharks captain Mike Ricci had his false front teeth in, as a mark of respect. You know you've made it when hockey players put in their false teeth for you.

'No Fighting Please, We're Proper' Award: San Jose Sharks and Vancouver Canucks, Canada
Debbie says: Speaking of that royal hockey match, there were no fights in Her Majesty's presence. Canucks coach Mark Crawford called it "probably the most cleanly played first period we've ever seen". Curiously, when Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, attended an Islanders-Maple Leafs match this year, there was more fighting.