WEEKLY WHINE

The basketball biz: Stump Edvard

Congratulations! You've lived through another span between Stump Edvard columns. But if this four month cycle is unfamiliar to you, maybe you need to read about "Dynamite Eating" Edvard van de Kamp, which you can do in the following items:

• Don't Try This At Home, SUN 11 JUN 2000
• Don't Let Them Confuse You, SUN 01 APR 2001
• On Tour with Edvard, SUN 08 APR 2001
• The Life and Times of Edvard, SUN 27 MAY 2001
• Stump Edvard, SUN 29 JUL 2001
• Stump Edvard About 2002, SUN 06 JAN 2002
• FIFA Showdown: Stump Edvard, SUN 21 APR 2002
• Stump Edvard Etymologically, SUN 11 AUG 2002
• With Friends Like These..., SUN 13 OCT 2002

This week we received questions about the recent moves and grooves of professional basketball teams in the United States. Edvard is ready to present answers to your questions, starting ... in a second or two. Okay, now we're ready.

Dear Edvard: I hear the WNBA is turning the teams over to other people. How will that affect the quality of play? - Bettie Joe McCoy, Topeka, KS, USA

Dear Bettie Joe: Well, the WNBA, which used to own all the teams, has now divested itself of them. They are now being taken over by either the local NBA franchise or whoever else wants them. One effect this could have is to drive down player salaries, since the players will no longer be paid by the league. This will probably open the salary range much wider, as richer teams mean richer players. Hopefully this will make the players better as they try to earn their way to richer teams.

Dear Edvard: What's with the Hornets' move to New Orleans? - Ace Stayley, Greenville, SC, USA

Dear Ace: Charlotte fans seemed to lose interest in the Hornets when their owner, George Shinn, ran into legal trouble a few years ago. The team played in an arena filled well below capacity after selling out hundreds of games in the early 1990s. So, management talked to New Orleans semi-secretly for a couple of years, eventually being approved for a move this past summer.

Dear Edvard: Were the Grizzlies really thinking about changing their name to the Express when they moved to Memphis? - John Sunders, Edmonton, AB, Canada

Dear John: That would appear to be the case. Federal Express, the delivery company based in Memphis, TN, was considering a partial ownership of the team, which would have included a name change to the Express. But, realising that that's a silly name for a basketball team [the Bullets nearly changed their name to the Express before coming to their senses and choosing Wizards], they never went through with that deal. Nonetheless, the new arena being constructed for the Grizzlies will be called FedExForum. No spaces please; we're a NewMillenniumBusiness.

Dear Edvard: So why are the Sting still in Charlotte? - Cuba Badding Jr, Baton Rouge, LA, USA

Dear Cuba: Because Charlotte fans come out to support the Sting ... sort of. The Sting were second last in attendance last season, though the WNBA have said that they remain committed to the Charlotte area. This should be an interesting drama.

Dear Edvard: Why don't the Heat want the Sol? - Linda Fïllar, Stockholm, Sweden

Dear Linda: Because they're dumb.

Dear Edvard: Why do Florida's teams have such silly names? - Bob Gesheunteit, Boca Raton, FL, USA

Dear Bob: It always seems to me that Florida is a hotbed of silly names. Calling themselves the Orlando Magic only made people think that Disney owned them. The Tampa Bay Mutiny? At least make it plural, like "Mutineers" or something. Who else we got down there? "Jaguars" is at least reasonable, and alliterative. "Panthers" is okay too, but what about the "Marlins"? Yeah, that'll intimidate your opponents. And look at your hometown, Bob. I hear "Boca Raton" means "Rat's Mouth".