WEEKLY WHINE

Say the &@%@$ #&*!% words

Have you been trying to make sense of your life? Unsure whether to make that big business decision? Feeling nauseous whenever Dick Cheney appears on television? These are usually the times when you turn to your horoscope for help. Don't. Horoscopes are inherently wrong, and it's not just because they always appear on the same page as the comics. After all, when was the last time you saw a newspaper horoscope that actually specified what would happen for the millions of people who were born when the Sun was in Ophiuchus? It's time to give up hope and admit that you will never glean any useful information about your life from astrology; you will glean useful information about your life from whichever character in Reservoir Dogs is your favourite.

Remember: If you don't like your prediction, go detach your right ear.

MR BLUE
Introspective by day and... um... outrospective by night, you span a broad range of emotions and interests. You are most concerned about someone whom you met a couple of weeks ago and who you think is important to the long term survival of humanity. But we'll let you in on a secret. He, she, or it is not important. Forget about him, her, or it and concern yourself instead with the kid who's about to kick a football through your window. Look out!

MR ORANGE
You specialise in identifying rock groups at long distances. Unfortunately, not once have you been able to put your remarkable gift to use. Take advantage of it, perhaps by convincing a television network to create a quiz show called Identify the Distant Musicians.

NICE GUY EDDIE
You have an affinity for mobile telephones that look ridiculous by present standards. Then again, the ones today irradiate your brain more.

JOE CABOT
I can't think of anything. That must mean that you don't have a future.

MARVIN NASH
What the hell kind of name is "Marvin Nash", anyway? Steve Nash's kid brother?

MR BLONDE
You are an ordinary person, but like most ordinary people, you think that you could be doing much more than you are. Don't concern yourself with large scale issues like that. Focus instead on whether your payments on your automobile are on time. Your lucky decade is this one, and your lucky body part is... well, let's not get into that.

MR BROWN
You are not an ordinary person. In fact, you're Quentin Tarantino. Who the hell else cared about Mr Brown?

MR PINK
You occasionally voice your opinions too strongly. Try to find help before you rupture one of your friends' eardrums. If you are so unfortunate as to rupture one of your friends' eardrums despite your best efforts, there are measures you can take. You can either a] teach that person your local variant of sign language, or b] run away.

MR WHITE
You are in for a lucky streak. Not like that guy who took off all his clothes and then hit his head when he slipped on the hockey rink. That was an unlucky streak. Actually, I guess it was more of a stupid streak. What would you actually get out of dashing onto the ice in the midst of a hockey match without clothes on? Ice is cold. You wouldn't want anything to stick to it. Can you imagine what would have happened if they couldn't release that guy? They'd have to cut away part of the ice and he'd have to put his pants on over it. And then they'd have to put traffic cones up on the ice to block off the hole, and spend the rest of the game hoping nobody falls into it.

Oh, yeah, your horoscope. You will win something that you deserve to win.