WEEKLY WHINE

Letter your game today

Notice anything weird about the first four matches at the 2003 Women's World Cup?

No, besides the fact that they were all played before the "opening" ceremonies.

Only one of them was actually between two teams. One involved 1.5 teams, another 1.3 teams, and the other only had 1.22 teams or so.

Clearly not everyone brought their A games yesterday. Because we at GoobNet love to assist others, particularly when they haven't asked for it, we'll now help the afflicted teams find their A games.

FRANCE

France had their B game on show in Philadelphia, PA. You might think that the B game is okay, considering it's Group B and all. But against someone like Norway, the B game is Bad.

They might have been confused at the American football markings that remained on the field. Don't you just hate it when the word "EAGLES" appears in the penalty area?

France were ultimately destroyed by all the fouls that they committed in their own half of the field. Anita Rapp headed in a cross off a free kick, and Norway had the lead. France's response is encouraging, but with all their attacking pressure, they had to be better protecting against counterattacks. You know, like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

CANADA

Canada get props for going up front in the fourth minute. But after that, it was as though they had no idea what to do: "We're leading Germany? We didn't plan for this!"

They had their B game going as well, as they were called for a silly handball in their own area, late in the first half. Bettina Wiegmann scored the penalty, and then just after halftime, Stefanie "The Most German Name Ever" Gottschlich put Germany in front for good.

So what exactly did Canada do wrong? Never score early against the defending European champions. You'll just encourage them.

NIGERIA

Nigeria brought their C game today. Much of the match was played in their defensive half, and whenever they did manage to move the ball forward, Korea DPR came right back with a counterattack. Luckily, Korea DPR have not felt the urge to do everything better than everyone else. We don't want to see them out-silly uniforming Nigeria's men's team.

Reason to Be Weirded Out By the Democratic People's Republic of Korea #15: Jin Pyol Hui said that she scored the two goals because "everybody ran like one with one mind and one determination".

One mind shared amongst eleven players may not sound that great. But they can make money by renting it out to stock market analysts who need that little extra boost.

And whenever they do, and it's no minds shared amongst eleven players, they go to the movies. We hear they liked Legally Blonde 2.

ARGENTINA

What is there to say about Argentina? This team simply got splattered against Japan's windshield. But bugs don't have to play Canada four days later.

That's right, they brought their H game. H as in Helpless.

One of Argentina's players had to miss out with an injury. Analía Almeida hurt her something [they wouldn't tell us what] in camp, and Adela Medina is filling in for her. Argentina then went into this match. After they conceded Homare Sawa's second goal, Natalia Gatti got mean and drew a red card. The referee was sending a clear message: Don't take out your frustrations on your opponent.

One of Argentina's best players, Rosana Gómez, left at halftime because of another one of those mystery injuries. Think maybe Argentina coach José Carlos Borello kicked a boot at her face?

If Argentina's players heed the advice of that referee, Katriina Elovirta, and take their frustrations out on themselves, there may be even more injury replacements. And some rather embarrassing trips to the emergency room. "What do you mean you punched your own kidney?"

Afterward, Borello said that Japan deserved the win. No shit, José.