WEEKLY WHINE

Magic guacamole

Nathan: All right, welcome to this special GoobNet edition of Whose Line Is It Anyway?. My name's Nathan. I'm tall, I'm dark, I'm handsome, and I drive the ladies wild with my handwriting. On tonight: The hostess with the mostest, Debbie Myers.

Debbie: [bows]

Nathan: The boss with the moss, Reg Goober.

Reg: Hey there.

Nathan: The orphan with the morphine, Deb Harratsch.

Deb: Hey!

Nathan: And the Dutchman with the dustbin, Edvard van de Kamp.

Edvard: [waves]

Nathan: Let's get right to it with a game called Weird Newscasters. This one's for everyone. Reg, you're the anchor of the local news. Debbie, you are the coanchor. You're the nosy landlady who tries to quiet everyone down but ends up getting sidetracked with stories about her ex-husband.

Debbie: Am I?

Nathan: Oh yeah. Edvard, you're doing sports. You're a lumberjack who wants to cut down the biggest tree in the land. And Deb, you're the weathergirl.

Deb: Man, I'm always the weathergirl.

Nathan: And you're a Danish tour guide leading a tour of Copenhagen that goes horribly wrong.

Deb: Man, I'm always the Danish tour guide leading a tour that goes horribly wrong.

Nathan: So they say. Okay, go and start.

[News theme]

Reg: Good evening, and welcome to the eighteen o'clock news. Alongside Tippi Untilifallover, I'm Les Miserables. Our top story tonight: Famed cartoon character Leela checked herself into a mental hospital today after a suicide attempt. According to reports, the Futurama star tried to slit her wrist, but missed. In business news, shares went down, didn't they, Tippi?

Debbie: [Nosy landlady who tries to quiet everyone down but ends up getting sidetracked with stories about her ex-husband] Hey! Hey! Heeey! Enough of your yammering! You know how much the other tenants are complaining about your little news show? Jenkins next door, he's got a lazy ear, you know! Just like Jack. Did I ever tell you about Jack? He was a crazy man, that Jack. Sometimes we'd be in bed, and he'd have his hand on my ass, and he'd suddenly go, "Where'd I put my contact lenses?". Because that's what he wore! He didn't like glasses - he said, "Why don't I just put a big sign on my head: 'STAND MORE THAN TWENTY METRES FROM ME AND MAKE FACES AT ME', you know". I'm glad he's gone, though. I'm so... glad... [sobs] he's... gone! Bastard took the car, and the coffee maker, and the little lamp with a shell on the side. [looks up] Rent's due.

Reg: Yes, I'd hate to be a stockbroker right now. Now, here's the sports with Evan MacGregor. Evan?

Edvard: [Lumberjack who wants to cut down the biggest tree in the land] Well, I'll tell you about LeBron James's latest antics in a moment, but first, a bit of forestry. This is a fir... [mimes chopping a tree] and this is a sideways fir. Easy, isn't it? That's why I need a bigger challenge, like... [looks around] like... [spots Reg] this! [chops down Reg] Now, with a big, dumb, passive tree like this, you can check its age by counting the rings. [holds up Reg's feet] Let's take a look. Hmmm.... Too many to count. And that's the sports.

Reg: [stands up] This just in: He's okay. And now, let's look in on the weekend weather with Vicky Vickiyaya. Vicky?

Deb: [Danish tour guide leading a tour of Copenhagen that goes horribly wrong] Ja, thanks Reg. Well, on my right, you can see the parliament hall, built in 1675 by Prince Paul. Notice the unusual columns. The faces you see there are actually the friends of Prince Paul, who would take him out to bars every Friday night until he turned eighteen. And now - [falls down] oh dear! I hope this tour isn't going horribly wrong! [gets up, walks toward Nathan] And coming up in front of us, we can see... [looks at Nathan] aah! Aaaaah! It has gone horribly wrong! Reg?

Reg: Right, well, we'll be back tomorrow with a rerun of today's news. Good night.

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Yeah, I'll show you "horribly wrong".

Deb: [shrugs]

Nathan: Okay, four hundred points for everyone. Now it's time for a game called Questions Only. This one's for all of you: Reg and Debbie first, and you other guys later. Now they're going to do a scene, but they can only speak in questions. Everything they say has to be a question. If they screw up, I'll buzz them out, and the other person comes in, and we'll see who stays longest. Now, I need a suggestion for an exciting place to work.

Audience: Parking lot! Hot dog cart! Flower shop!

Nathan: Hot dog cart's pretty good. Hot dog cart. All right, we're at a hot dog cart, speaking only in questions. Go and start.

Reg: Would you like a hot dog?

Debbie: [looks around] Why else would I be here, moron?

Reg: What do you mean moron?

Debbie: Do you need a dictionary?

Reg: [pause] I guess so. [walks away]

[Buzzer]

Deb: Anybody here need a dictionary?

Debbie: Aren't you supposed to be selling hot dogs?

Deb: [pokes Debbie's stomach] You really want a hot dog?

Debbie: Is that really a question?

Deb: Are you?

Debbie: Er... [shakes head]

[Buzzer]

Edvard: Have you got bratwurst?

Deb: Do I look like the kind of person that would have bratwurst?

Edvard: What do you look like?

Deb: Are you blind, or something?

Edvard: [closes eyes, puts hands in front of him] Where are you?

Deb: Are you insane?

Edvard: [puts hands on Deb's chest] Oh, here you are.

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Oh, you so wish that was a question.

Edvard: [laughing] Yeah, I so do.

Deb: You're not going to feel me up as well, are you?

Debbie: Would you like me to?

Deb: Why do I always get the freaks at my hot dog cart?

Debbie: Is that what this is?

Deb: Of course!

[Buzzer]

Deb: Dammit!

Debbie: Are you Morgan Freeman?

Reg: If I was, would I be selling hot dogs?

Debbie: I don't know. If you're researching a role. [walks away]

[Buzzer]

Reg: Aren't you the famous Utrecht Misogynist?

Edvard: Did you see me just now?

Reg: Are you just overcompensating for your inadequacies?

[Multiple buzzers]

Edvard: [to Deb] Sorry, did I go overboard?

Deb: No, it's okay.

Nathan: You know, you can tell him how you really feel. It's okay.

Deb: I can? All right then, you sexist pig!

Nathan: Yes, it's the show that brings people together. Eighty points for everyone. Now let's move on to a game called Film and Theatre Styles. This is for Reg, Deb, and Edvard. Okay, I need some suggestions for different styles of movies, television, theatre.

Audience: Slapstick! Football pregame show! Sci-fi! Soap opera!

Nathan: Sci-fi, soap opera, American football pregame show - that one's good.

Audience: Western! Pulp Fiction! CNBC! Game show! Seinfeld!

Nathan: Western, Pulp Fiction, Seinfeld...

Audience: Matrix! Anime! Willy Wonka!

Nathan: Matrix... anime... okay, okay. We got plenty. Now you guys are going to start a scene normally, and then I'll buzz in with different styles for you to do. Reg and Deb, you'll start, and Edvard comes in later. And the scene is: Romance breaks out on a cruise ship.

Deb: [rolls eyes] Oh, I can hardly wait.

Nathan: You should be used to it by now. Okay, go and start.

Reg: [fanning himself] Is it me, or is romance breaking out?

Deb: Do that again.

Reg: What... [fans himself] this?

Deb: Yeah... only, lower.

Reg: Like... [lower] this?

Deb: [bites her lip] Yeah.

Edvard: Sorry I'm late. I didn't hear the announcement about the romance breaking out.

Deb: Oh, look at you. [drapes arms across Edvard's shoulders] Romance has just broken out all over your body, hasn't it?

Edvard: Yeah, is there, like, an ointment I can use for that?

Reg: Yeah, they sell it on the Melanoma Deck.

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Western!

Edvard: [puts hands on hips] You just want me to go to the Melanoma Deck and leave you alone with this gal, don't you, pardner?

Reg: [spits] Yeah.

Edvard: [points] You gonna clean that up?

Reg: This is the Old West. That there's a woman's job. That, and making babies.

Deb: Hey, can I talk now, or is that not a "woman's job" either?

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Pulp Fiction.

Edvard: What do you mean, "woman's job"?

Reg: Well, I was just standing here talking to you guys when I had what they call a moment of clarity. So, I'm gonna walk the Earth until I find out what the woman's job is.

Edvard: You're gonna be a bum, Reg. That's what you're gonna be.

Deb: [mimes holding a gun] This is a robbery! Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every one of you motherfuckers!

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Seinfeld.

Edvard: What's the deal with robberies? I mean, you've got that big black glove on your hand, and a little black gun, and a black ski mask over your head. See, this is all-season attire for the serious criminal. Because if you're wearing white, then after Labor Day, that's a whole six months where you can't rob anyone.

Reg: [falls over]

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Enough of that. Anime!

Deb: [bounces up and down] I'm cute and perky, but I'm a deadly assassin!

Edvard: I'm an evil professor who keeps moving his mouth after he's done talking! [keeps moving mouth]

Reg: I'm an angst ridden teenager who flies in space when my parents aren't home!

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Umm, here we go. American football pregame show!

Reg: If they keep the offensive line tight and keep blocking the way they have been so far this season, this robbery is going to be successful.

Edvard: Come on, man! Against this defense? I don't care if you have freaking Maytags on your offensive line, you are going to get sacked!

Reg: Well, let's check in with the weatherbabe.

Deb: [twirling hair around finger] Ummm, like, it's going to, like, snow or something in the Metrodome.

[Multiple buzzers]

Nathan: Deb, can you do that anime thing again?

Deb: What, you mean [bounces up and down] I'm cute and perky, but I'm a deadly assassin!

Nathan: Dude, that's comedy right there. Everyone gets four of our new Ultra Points. They're concentrated, so you don't need as many of them.

Deb: Ooh.

Edvard: Are they lemon fresh?

Nathan: No, they've been sitting in the back of my pickup truck for a few weeks. Now it's time for a game called Scenes from a Hat. This is for everyone, and what we do is, we had the audience write stuff down before the show, ideas for things they want us to act out. So we took the good ones and put them in this hat. [holds up a Caltech baseball cap]

Reg: What did we do with the bad ones?

Nathan: Ate them. Okay... [draws a paper] "Bad things to say when you meet the President."

Reg: Hi, Mr President. You know, you look less ugly on TV.

[Buzzer]

Debbie: So are you, like, the first president with a drunk driving conviction on his record?

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Okay. "Strange products to see advertised on TV."

Deb: Today's game is brought to you by Fart-B-Gon. Fart-B-Gon, now with -

[Buzzer]

Reg: We'll be right back after this word from Jack's Home Gyms. For the man who's tired of sitting on his ass all day watching sports. [points to camera] That means you, lardbutt!

[Buzzer]

Nathan: "That was then... this is now."

Edvard: Ah, it's so good to be out of the cryogenic tank after two hundred years. Let's see the paper... "Cubs Win 10th Straight World Series"?!

[Buzzer]

Nathan: All right, "If remote controls worked in real life."

Edvard: You failed your exam, Deb.

Deb: [miming remote control] Click.

Edvard: You passed your exam, Deb.

Deb: Click.

Edvard: The exam is cancelled, Deb. Go to the beach.

Deb: [gives thumbs up]

[Buzzer]

Debbie: Hey! You rear ended my Honda Civic!

Edvard: Click.

Debbie: Oh no! I rear ended your Honda Civic!

Edvard: Click.

Debbie: Oh no! I rear ended your Ford Mustang!

Edvard: Click.

Debbie: Oh no! I rear ended your Rolls Royce!

Edvard: Click.

Debbie: Oh no! I rear ended your private jet!

Edvard: Click.

Debbie: Oh no! I rear ended your private jet! Let me make it up to you by helping you join the Mile High Club.

Edvard: [gives thumbs up]

[Multiple buzzers]

Nathan: "I rear ended your private jet."

Debbie: He just wouldn't stop clicking! It was a nightmare!

Nathan: Folks, now you know how your TV feels. [holds head] This... crazy... human! Keeps... changing... my... channel!

Reg: Man, those TVs are gonna revolt if we're not careful.

Nathan: Okay, let's move on to a game called Party Quirks, for all of you. Debbie, you're hosting a party, and Reg, Deb, and Edvard are your guests, but we've given them all a strange identity for them to act out.

Debbie: You mean, stranger than their regular identities?

Nathan: Yeah, pretty much. So you're going to have to figure out what they are, so go and start.

Debbie: [mimes stirring a bowl] I hope they like my "magic" guacamole.

[Doorbell]

Debbie: What, already? [mimes opening door] Hi Reg! Good to see you! Sorry, I wasn't expecting you so early.

Reg: ["Fire and brimstone" preacher from the early 1800s] You weren't expecting me early?

Debbie: Um, no, I...

Reg: Well, that's because idle hands are the devil's playground! I ask each and every one of you assembled here today here in the Lord's house, are you willing to arrive on time? For there is one who wants you to be late, and his name is Satan!

Debbie: Er, yeah. Listen, there's chips over there, and can I get you...

Reg: Chips?

Debbie: Yeah, but not like California Highway Patrol officers or anything. These are potato chips.

Reg: Potato chips?! Do you not see the dark tricks going on here? These potato chips will seep into your body and rot your very soul until it is fit for none but the devil himself!

[Doorbell]

Debbie: Yes, exactly. Um, excuse me a moment. Hey Deb! How's the encephalitis?

Deb: [Every phase of Madonna's career] Hello everyone! Ugh, potato chips? Not for a material girl like me, thanks. [points at Reg] Hey, who's that girl?

Reg: [backing away] Away, foul demon!

[Doorbell]

Debbie: Well, I see you two are getting along. Edvard! You're just in time! Look at this!

Edvard: [Unsuccessfully trying out for the Nike "Secret Tournament" commercial] You think that's something? Look at this! [mimes tripping over a football] Wait, hang on. [moves back and forth, then kicks] How's that?

Reg: Demons everywhere!

Deb: Well, I want to have a kid. Who here wants to be the father?

Reg: Don't try that around here, you vile harlot! You're going straight to hell along with my ex-wife!

Debbie: You know, I really shouldn't have invited the priest from The Crucible to my party.

Reg: Yes!

[Buzzer]

Nathan: "Fire and brimstone" preacher, yes.

Edvard: [dribbles to end of stage, flicks ball up, heads it, then covers nose] Ooof! Ow! Hey, can you give me my ball back?

Debbie: And you've seen too many of those football adverts.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: [high fives Debbie] Yeah!

Nathan: Yeah, he's trying out for the "Secret Tournament" commercial.

Deb: [singing] Them good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye, saying this'll be the day that I die...

Debbie: And I find you offputting, yet strangely attractive.

Nathan: Someone famous.

Debbie: I haven't a clue.

Deb: [kisses Debbie]

Debbie: Ohhh... oh! You're... um... Madonna!

Nathan: Yes!

[Multiple buzzers]

Nathan: Well, my work here is done.

Deb: You know, I just knew I was going to have to do that.

Debbie: But you liked it, didn't you?

Deb: Yeah. Does that make me a bad person?

Nathan: No.

Edvard: Not at all.

Nathan: Okay then, the winner is Debbie! Debbie's the winner, so she gets to come over here and slack off [stands up] whilst the rest of us do a really great game called... Hoedown! Rachael Wright at the piano, everyone!

Rachael: [bows]

Nathan: And what we need from you guys is a suggestion for someplace you go at the weekend.

Audience: Beach! Theatre! Vegas! Movie! Baseball game!

Nathan: Okay, theatre's good. Rachael, go and start the Theatre Hoedown.

Rachael: [plays hoedown]

Reg: Well I love the theatre, I think it's really swell.
I go there and I sit right down and I turn off my cell.
But you know there's one thing that I simply hate.
When there's a nude scene on, they don't let you masturbate.

Nathan: I went and saw a show one night, I really thought it stunk.
It had some weird name, like Daddy and the Punk.
I thought it'd be about some chick with hair and tats and piercings,
But it didn't give me a rhyme for "piercings".

Deb: Well I've acted on the stage for many many years.
Being in the theatre's just one of my careers.
I was in a show one time called Daddy and the Punk,
But we were so awful, the crowd tossed up their chunks!

Edvard: Theatre's just great if you're into those things.
As for me, I don't care about a fat girl who just sings.
Nor do I like a guy who spins a spider web.
I measure everything up to when I saw Debbie smooching Deb!

All: Deb-bie smoo-ching Deeeeeeb!

Nathan: [returns to desk] Okay, and now everyone's going to read the credits. I'd like you guys to read the credits as cute and perky assassins. Good night everyone!

Edvard: [strikes Charlie's Angels pose]

Debbie: Like, omygawd! Reg Goober's on our hitlist!

Deb: Like, whatever. Have to do my nails first.

Reg: Come on, cute and perky assassins! We don't want to let down the crime boss Debbie Myers!

Deb: [bounces up and down] Okay, but we still get to give one another showers when we get back, right?

Reg: Only if someone doesn't hog all the hot water again.