WEEKLY WHINE
Stand and jeer
"Strangely enough, you will find that any tension that exists may actually help you get things done, dear ?????." Can you guess which sign this horoscope refers to? Of course not. Here's the answer.
The point is that the bland, nonspecific suggestions offered in horoscopes don't really apply to you. It's all in how you react to them. We react to them by conducting experiments, which have shown without doubt that your life has nothing to do with the way Kepler's laws are applied; it has everything to do with which NFL team you're supporting in the playoffs.
Remember: If you don't like your prediction, just wait a season. Chances are your team will miss the playoffs next time.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
You like to drive your car in circles. Or ovals sometimes, depending upon whether the road is paved with bricks. You are going to meet someone today. Don't forget to wash your hands before shaking that person's hand. This can help avoid infection. Your lucky number is 200.
DENVER BRONCOS
You like plumbers. And snakes. And plumbers' snakes. You like long walks and/or runs along the beach because of all your extra red blood cells. Your lucky number is 5,280.
BALTIMORE RAVENS
You're going to be fairly bored the next four weeks. Try taking up a hobby, like writing poetry or painting end zones. Or perhaps you could paint poetry in end zones. Luckily, your defense will keep opponents out of it, preserving your work for future generations. It's just turnovers that are the problem.
TENNESSEE TITANS
Pay attention for the next five minutes. One of the things that happens in that span is going to determine the course of your life. Unless nothing important happens, which will depend upon your shoulder. Your lucky planetary system is the Saturnian system.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
You're going to be fairly interested this week finding out what you'll be doing next week. A trip to Las Vegas might be an enjoyable bonus, but only if you bring your parachute, your guitar, and your white coat. Your lucky number is twelve, and your lucky weather is heavy snow.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
You like to catch things that fall from high up and then run around with them, but for some time now you've found that things are falling out of your reach. It's kind of inconvenient really, but it shouldn't matter, as long as you can actually stop people from running past you. Your lucky word is chefs.
GREEN BAY PACKERS
Don't be discouraged by those guests who don't like the redecorating you've done in your house. If you like it and can profit from it, that's all that matters. Your lucky city is Tempe, AZ, USA.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
If your house is marked out in a solid colour, don't be afraid to show it to the world. People who don't like it are morons. Take pride in your home's tendency to stand out from the crowd. Only, you know, try not to screw up whenever you leave your home.
CAROLINA PANTHERS
You have guests over right now. This social evening is about 25% of the way through, and you're getting the better of it. Continue grinding your coffee and avoid throwing things too much, and you should end the evening successfully.
DALLAS COWBOYS
You are a guest at someone else's place right now. This social evening is about 25% of the way through, but you're getting the worse of it. Try to keep the coffee from being ground and force your hosts to throw things, and you might end the evening successfully.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
The best thing about you is that you don't listen to talk radio. The worst thing about you is that you don't listen to anybody else either. This year, make an effort to interact better with others.
ST LOUIS RAMS
The worst thing about you is that you listen to talk radio. Actually, if you call in to talk radio, that would be the worst thing about you. This year, make an effort to acquire a prescription of chill pills.
DON'T CARE ABOUT THE NFL
Quite frankly, sometimes it seems you're not missing much. But not last weekend. Daaaamn.
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