WEEKLY WHINE

Rio Ferdinand Magellan

Yes, the effects of Rio Ferdinand's missed drug test have been sailing around the world.

But how did the whole thing go down? Here's our review of the process, prepared as only we can.

TUE 23 SEP 2003

Manchester United's training session goes well. Sir Alex Ferguson, manager of Man U, decides to take the entire squad out for milk and cookies. Defender Rio Ferdinand opts out, saying that he's got to spend the rest of the day moving.

Meanwhile, in a closed room, UK Sport officials are pulling names from a hat. The first name picked is Jacques Chirac, causing one of the officials to look down in alarm and say, "Sorry, wrong hat."

He removes a yellow beret from his head and pulls four names out of it. One of the four names is Rio Ferdinand.

Some of the team staffers meet the players as they leave the field. One says to Ferdinand, "Rio, you have to take a drug test when you're done showering."

Ferdinand walks into the shower muttering to himself, "Bug rest? What the hell is a bug rest?"

Hours later, the club receives a frantic call from Ferdinand. He says, "I just realised! I forgot my bug rest!"

"Your drug test?"

"Oh, drug test," he replies. "That makes a lot more sense."

He races back to the training ground just as the Urinemobile drives off into the distance. He desperately runs after it, but as he realises he can't catch it, he slows to a stop, falls to his knees, and cries, "Noooooooo!"

WED 24 SEP 2003

The testers return, and Ferdinand takes a drug test, proving himself clean. During the process, he becomes aware that some of the officials are looking at him in an odd way.

Finally, Ferdinand asks, "What?"

One of the testers looks up and says, "Oh, nothing. We were just, uh, wondering whether you were able to get moved okay."

SUN 05 OCT 2003

The Football Association's David Davies meets with Ferdinand. He offers milk and cookies, which Ferdinand politely declines.

Getting to business, Davies says, "Rio, I've called you here today to ask you a very important question. I want you to answer as honestly and as truthfully as you can. Were you able to get moved okay?"

"Er, yes, I was."

"Good. Well, I suppose we'll have to charge you."

Ferdinand says, "I understand. Do you take Mastercard?"

TUE 07 OCT 2003

FA officials tell England men's team coach Sven Göran Eriksson that he cannot include Ferdinand in the squad for that weekend's decisive Euro 2004 qualifier away to Turkey.

Eriksson sits quietly in the meeting room for a minute. Then he stands up, rushes outside, falls to his knees, and cries, "Noooooooo!"

Later in the day, FA staff members meet with some of the English players, including Dave Beckham and Gary Neville. At one point, Neville stands up and declares, "We cannot stand idly by whilst you punish our teammate before he has even had a chance to defend himself! Let him say whether he was able to get moved okay!"

Beckham adds, "Man, this meeting's going on too long. Can we get some milk and cookies in here?"

Davies says, "Yeah, okay. Good idea."

Yet even milk and cookies cannot bring the sides together.

WED 08 OCT 2003

A long day of meetings sees the players threaten to skip the weekend's match. The media has already caught wind of the crisis and spends the day speculating whether any England player will ever move again.

Late that evening, Eriksson and Mark Palios, the FA's chief executive, appear before the media. They announce that the players, other than Rio, will indeed make the trip to Istanbul. The conference is quite comical, because the announcement is made in charades.

Media members respond as follows: "Okay, seven words. First word... me? You? You and me... all... everyone? Everyone! Second word. A short word. Who? The? In? Is? Is! Everyone is! Third word. Fly? Fly...ing? Flying! Fourth word. Second word? No. Fourth word is two. To! Everyone is flying to! Fifth word, first syllable. Snake. Tongue? Slither? No, no. Something to do with the tongue. I don't know, hiss? Hiss! Second syllable. Sunglasses. Sunscreen? Beach? Hot? Sunny? Tan! Tan! Hiss-tan. Istanbul? Yeah! Everyone is flying to Istanbul. Sixth word. Butt. Everyone is flying to Istanbul but. Seventh word. Rowing. Kayaking. Kayaking in. Water? Whitewater. Rapids. No? Rowing again. Rowing in... a creek. Bigger than a creek. A lake? Smaller? Stream... river... river? Not river. Like river? Now you're dancing. Flamenco. Spain. Beckham? No, Spain. Spain... Spanish? Spanish river. The Gabriel, I don't know. Wait, Spanish for 'river'? Rio. Rio! Everyone is flying to Istanbul but Rio! Good job, guys! That was a tough one!"

SAT 11 OCT 2003

England draw 0-0 with Turkey to earn a berth at Euro 2004. The distraught Turkish players forego their traditional postmatch milk and cookies run.

WED 29 OCT 2003

The FA charges Ferdinand with a violation of rule E26, "the failure or refusal by a player to submit to drug testing as required by a competent official". The rule is very clear in calling for a two year suspension. Or no suspension. Or anything in between.

THU 13 NOV 2003

Ferdinand requests a personal hearing. The operator at the FA says, "Please hold."

Ferdinand listens to Debussy's Clair de Lune.

MON 01 DEC 2003

"Hello? Sir?"

"Hello?"

"We have scheduled your personal hearing for the eighteenth and nineteenth of December at Reebok Stadium in Bolton."

"Bolton? But I play for Manchester United."

"Yes, sir. Your hearing must be on neutral ground."

"Why? What difference does it make?"

"If I could answer that, I wouldn't be at this crummy desk for fifteen years, would I?"

THU 18 DEC 2003

Ferdinand's hearing begins and continues for seven hours. After the day's adjournment, reporters are allowed inside to photograph the empty milk glasses and cookie tins.

FRI 19 DEC 2003

The morning's headlines read: "Ferdinand not keen on cookies". Meanwhile in the hearing, Sir Alex testifies on Ferdinand's behalf. Eriksson has already submitted a character reference supporting the player. Sources report that the document describes Ferdinand as "a good lad who wanted nothing but the chance to get moved okay."

That evening, Ferdinand is finally found guilty of the misconduct charge, fined GB£50,000, and suspended eight months. Manchester United immediately declare their intent to appeal.

Shortly thereafter, FIFA declares its intent to continue barging in to other people's business and making annoying statements about what it will do if others don't do its bidding.

MON 22 DEC 2003

The Sun publishes Ferdinand's reaction to the suspension: "It hit me like a thunderbolt. A Ford Thunderbolt. Wait, it's the Thunderbird, isn't it?"

In reference to the effect it will have on his career, he says, "And I thought I didn't like milk and cookies before."