WEEKLY WHINE

Schmilblick Patrol: Frank Francisco

Edvard: Hello, and welcome to Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. We're ready to meet today's participant. He's the American League Rookie of the Month for AUG 2004, he's 5-1 with a 3.33 ERA, he's throwing ten and a half strikeouts per nine innings, and he's one of the rising stars in baseball. Playing the game today, please welcome Texas Rangers pitcher Frank Francisco.

Frank: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: Now let's meet our patrollers. First is Rita from Hamilton, ON, Canada.

Rita: Hello.

Edvard: Amelia from Zaragoza, Spain.

Amelia: Hi.

Edvard: And Belezza from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

Belezza: Hi.

Edvard: And Frank, what is your Schmilblick for today?

Frank: My Schmilblick is: Why I threw that chair at the fans.

Edvard: Why you threw that chair at the fans. That'll be tricky. And if our patrollers can correctly determine your Schmilblick, they'll each win an authentic Texas Rangers bullpen chair signed by you. But if they can't get it in eighteen queries, you'll win an authentic chair from Rita's office, signed by our patrollers. Rita, you've got the first question.

Rita: Frank, hi.

Frank: Hi Rita.

Rita: Frank, do you have secret ambitions of being a professional wrestler?

Frank: No, I don't.

Edvard: You don't.

Frank: No.

Edvard: Well, you could have fooled me. So one down, seventeen to go. Amelia, let's have your first question.

Amelia: All right. Frank, was it because of a mental instability?

Edvard: Well, a blunt question from Amelia today. Was it because of a mental instability?

Frank: No.

Edvard: Okay. Two down, sixteen to go. Now it's time to meet our patrollers. Belezza, hi.

Belezza: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: What do you do in Puerto Vallarta?

Belezza: I'm a teacher.

Edvard: Fantastic. What do you teach?

Belezza: Mexican history.

Edvard: So what should we know about Mexican history?

Belezza: It's exciting.

Edvard: Great. I think we all feel a little smarter now. Okay, Belezza. How about a question.

Belezza: Sure. Frank, do you often throw heavy things?

Frank: Yes, I do.

Edvard: You do?

Frank: Yes.

Edvard: Interesting. So you have a prior history. Three down, fifteen to go now. Rita, what's your occupation?

Rita: I'm a sales executive.

Edvard: I see. What sales do you execute?

Rita: My company sells headgear.

Edvard: And what type of headgear is in these days?

Rita: Bowler hats.

Edvard: Bowler hats?

Rita: Yes. At the video arcades and skate parks of Hamilton, today's fashionable youth are decked out in the latest in bowler hats.

Edvard: Fascinating. Well, let's get your second question.

Rita: Sure. Frank, you said you often throw heavy things.

Edvard: That was question three. We need a question four.

Rita: I know. Are the heavy things that you often throw bowling balls?

Frank: No, they're not.

Edvard: Okay, well, good try. Four down, fourteen to go. Amelia, hi.

Amelia: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: And what do you do?

Amelia: I'm a firefighter.

Edvard: That's great, and it's also interesting because the woman who was struck by Frank's chair is the wife of a firefighter. And I understand you're going for the lead in kittens rescued from trees in Zaragoza. Is that right?

Amelia: Yes, that's true. I have saved nine cats from trees this year. I'm now in second place.

Edvard: And who's the current leader?

Amelia: Ricardo Padú. He has eleven.

Edvard: Well, good luck trying to catch him. How about another question for Frank?

Amelia: Yes, of course. Frank, do you often throw bricks?

Edvard: Good question. Frank?

Frank: No, I never throw bricks.

Edvard: Okay, so you're not Shaquille O'Neal. Ha ha ha ha! Anyway, that's five down, thirteen to go. And now it's back over to Belezza. What's your next question?

Belezza: My next question is, when you throw the heavy things that you often throw, is it for exercise purposes?

Frank: Yes, it's for exercise.

Edvard: All right. Well, now we're getting somewhere. Six down, twelve to go. Rita, let's have another question from you.

Rita: Frank, is the heavy thing that you often throw a medicine ball?

Frank: No, it isn't.

Edvard: It's not a medicine ball. Well, that was a good guess regardless. Seven down, eleven to go. Amelia, do you have another question ready?

Amelia: Yes, I do. Frank, were the fans near your bullpen swearing at you or your teammates?

Frank: No, they weren't.

Edvard: Really? They weren't?

Frank: No.

Edvard: Well, now I'm even more curious to discover why you threw that chair. Eight down, ten to go. And let's see if Belezza's next question will shed any more light on the issue. Belezza?

Belezza: I will ask... this. Were you trying to hit that fan?

Frank: That particular woman?

Belezza: Yes. Were you tring to hit her?

Frank: No, I wasn't.

Edvard: Okay, good question. Nine down, nine to go. We're making a little headway in trying to identify Frank Francisco's Schmilblick, which today is the reason he threw a chair at the fans in Oakland earlier in the week. And now it's to you, Rita. What will you ask next?

Rita: Frank, are the heavy things that you often throw also chairs?

Frank: No, they're not.

Edvard: Okay then. Ten down, eight to go. We'll go back to you, Amelia. Let's have a good one.

Amelia: Are the heavy things that you often throw cast iron skillets?

Frank: No.

Edvard: They're not cast iron skillets.

Frank: No, they're not.

Edvard: Are you sure?

Frank: Of course I'm sure. What do I look like, somebody who's not sure?

Edvard: We'll ask the questions. Eleven down, seven to go as we go over now to Belezza. Give us another question.

Belezza: Okay. Frank, were you trying to hit anyone?

Frank: No, I wasn't.

Edvard: You weren't trying to hit anyone?

Frank: No.

Edvard: Fascinating. Well, that's twelve down, six to go. We're running low on opportunities now. Rita, back to you.

Rita: Thanks. Um, I'll ask... were you trying to defend your teammates?

Frank: Yes.

Edvard: But that's not your Schmilblick?

Frank: No, it isn't.

Edvard: Okay, and now it's thirteen down, five to go. Amelia, what do you want to ask?

Amelia: I want to ask, were you under the influence of any sort of medication?

Frank: No. Of course not.

Edvard: Interesting. Fourteen down, four to go. Now back to Belezza.

Belezza: Were you hungry at the time?

Frank: Yes.

Edvard: You were?

Frank: Yes, I was.

Edvard: That's interesting. So there's fifteen down, three to go now. Each patroller has only one question left to ask. So Rita, let's have your final question.

Rita: Okay. Um, Frank, were you trying to place an order with a concessionaire?

Frank: Yes, I was. And that's my Schmilblick.

Edvard: That's your Schmilblick?

Frank: Yes. I was trying to flag down a hot dog vendor, but I couldn't. Finally I wrote my order down on the back of the chair and threw it toward the vendor. But it hit the woman instead.

Edvard: Well, that's curious. For want of a hot dog, a nose was bloodied. So on their sixteenth question, they guessed your Schmilblick, and they each win autographed bullpen chairs from you. Congratulations to all our patrollers. And we'll see you next time on Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. This is Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks.