WEEKLY WHINE

Schmilblick Patrol: Chamique Holdsclaw

Edvard: Hello, and welcome to Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. Now let's meet today's participant. She's third in the WNBA in scoring and in rebounding, has made three All-Star teams and two All-WNBA teams, was a gold medallist at the 2000 Summer Olympics in women's basketball, and was the Rookie of the Year in 1999. Playing the game today, please welcome Washington Mystics forward Chamique Holdsclaw.

Chamique: Hi.

Edvard: Now it's time to meet our patrollers. Jake from Tuscaloosa, AL, USA.

Jake: Hi.

Edvard: Estrela from São Paulo, Brazil.

Estrela: Hi there.

Edvard: And Tim from Reston, VA, USA.

Tim: Hi.

Edvard: And Chamique, what is your Schmilblick today?

Chamique: My Schmilblick is: Why I left the Mystics for the rest of the year.

Edvard: Okay, sounds like a tricky one. Why you left the Mystics for the rest of the year. And if our patrollers can guess your Schmilblick, they'll win a trip to a Mystics game and a postgame party with you. And if they can't determine your Schmilblick in eighteen queries, you'll get a trip to a softball game with Jake's team and a postgame party with him. So Jake, let's have your first question.

Jake: Hi Chamique.

Chamique: Hi Jake.

Jake: Chamique, do you hate your coach?

Edvard: Wow. Not one to mince words, are you Jake?

Jake: Why?

Edvard: Okay then. How about it, Chamique? Do you hate your coach?

Chamique: No, I don't.

Edvard: You don't hate your coach.

Chamique: No.

Edvard: All right. One down, seventeen to go. It's to you, Estrela. What's your first question?

Estrela: Is it a health problem, Chamique?

Chamique: Yes, it is.

Edvard: Okay. We're getting a little more information now. It's a health problem. Two down, sixteen to go. And before our next question, let's meet our patrollers. Tim, hi.

Tim: Hi, Edvard.

Edvard: What do you do for a living?

Tim: I'm a student.

Edvard: And what do you study?

Tim: Mostly, notes that I download instead of going to class.

Edvard: See, that just shows you how old I am. In my day, profs had websites, but they always sucked because none of the profs knew HTML or anything. Now Tim, let's have your first question.

Tim: Okay. Chamique, are you suffering from plantar fasciitis?

Chamique: No, I'm not.

Edvard: It's not plantar fasciitis?

Chamique: No.

Edvard: You're sure?

Chamique: I'm sure.

Edvard: All right. Three down, fifteen to go. Now to you, Jake. What's your job?

Jake: Well, I'm between jobs right now.

Edvard: I see. Well, what job do you want?

Jake: I want to drive a monster truck.

Edvard: A monster truck? Why a monster truck?

Jake: Umm... duh.

Edvard: Sure. Um, let's have your next question.

Jake: Okay, so it's a health problem.

Edvard: Yes, that was question two. We're at question four now.

Jake: I know.

Edvard: Try to keep up, will you?

Jake: I know. I am. I'm just thinking. Chamique... is the problem in your digestive tract?

Chamique: No, it isn't.

Edvard: It's not your digestive tract. Four down, fourteen to go. Estrela, hi.

Estrela: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: What's your job?

Estrela: I teach massage to disadvantaged youth.

Edvard: Well, that's certainly good work you're doing. And it says here you once taught a lamb to vomit on cue.

Estrela: Yes.

Edvard: What, may I ask, was the cue?

Estrela: Tapping my fingers together like this. [taps index fingers together]

Edvard: [makes vomiting sound] No, I'm just kidding. I wasn't really vomiting. Now Estrela, let's have your second question.

Estrela: Okay. Chamique...

Chamique: Yes?

Estrela: Is it a mental problem?

Edvard: Tough question there. Chamique, do you have a mental problem?

Chamique: No, I don't.

Edvard: Okay. Five down, thirteen to go. Now over to you, Tim. Give us a good question.

Tim: Well, I'll try. Chamique, are you pregnant?

Chamique: No.

Edvard: Are you sure?

Chamique: Yeah. I think I would know. I mean, I just had my period yesterday.

Edvard: Okay. Six down, twelve to go. Jake, let's go back to you.

Jake: Chamique, do you need a bone marrow transplant?

Chamique: No, I don't.

Edvard: All right. No bone marrow transplant for Chamique. Seven down, eleven to go. Estrela, what's your next question?

Estrela: My next question is, is the health problem above your waist?

Edvard: Well, this is interesting. The anatomically geographic approach. Well, Chamique, is the problem above your waist?

Chamique: Yes, it is.

Edvard: All right. Above your waist. Eight down, ten to go. Now we go back to Tim the student. Tim, what's your question?

Tim: Are you battling alcoholism?

Chamique: No! Of course not!

Edvard: Well, that's nine down, nine to go. We're midway through, and we've learned a little bit about Chamique's Schmilblick. Whatever it is, it's why she's not playing for the Mystics again this season. Jake, you've got the tenth question. What will it be?

Jake: Chamique, are you battling addiction of any kind?

Chamique: No. Unless you count addiction to basketball.

Edvard: Well, you're not trying to battle that, are you?

Chamique: No, that's true. I want to be addicted to basketball.

Edvard: And despite that addiction, you won't be playing again this year. Well, ten down, eight to go. Estrela?

Estrela: Hmmm. Is it a heart condition?

Chamique: No, it's not.

Edvard: Not a heart condition then. Eleven down, seven to go. Tim, let's go back to you.

Tim: Okay. Chamique, do you have a cracked rib?

Chamique: Do I look like I have a cracked rib?

Tim: I don't know. What is a rib, anyway?

Edvard: So Chamique, do you have a cracked rib or not?

Chamique: No. Of course I don't.

Edvard: All right. Twelve down, six to go. And we're back to you, Jake. What do you want to ask next?

Jake: Does the health problem threaten your professional career?

Chamique: No, it doesn't.

Edvard: Well, thirteen down, five to go. Estrela, let's have your next question.

Estrela: Chamique, do you have a sexually transmitted disease?

Edvard: Well, once again our patrollers pulling no punches. Chamique, is it a sexually transmitted disease?

Chamique: No.

Edvard: Okay. That's fourteen down, four to go. And Tim, we'll get your next question now.

Tim: Chamique, do you need a blood transfusion?

Chamique: No.

Edvard: Well, Chamique gets to keep her own blood, and we get to fifteen down, three to go. We go then to our patrollers' last questions. Jake, what question do you have?

Jake: Do you have a viral infection?

Chamique: No, I don't.

Edvard: Sixteen down, two to go. Estrela, give us your last question.

Estrela: All right. Chamique, do you have a tumour?

Edvard: A good question. Chamique?

Chamique: No.

Edvard: Okay then. Seventeen down, one to go. The last question will come from you, Tim.

Tim: All right. Um, I'm going to go with: Do you have an alien parasite that's about to burst out of your stomach?

Chamique: No. [alien parasite bursts out of liver]

Tim: Hey! She lied!

Chamique: No I didn't, moron. It burst out of my liver.

Edvard: Well, eighteen down, zero to go. Chamique, what was your Schmilblick?

Chamique: The alien parasite bursting out of my liver, idiot. Pay attention.

Edvard: All right. Well, our patrollers didn't guess your Schmilblick, so that means you win tickets to Jake's softball game and the postgame party. Congratulations, Chamique. And we'll see you next time on Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. This is Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks.