Telemarketers on break

Nathan: Hey, welcome to another GoobNet presentation of Whose Line Is It Anyway?. I'm Nathan, and for all of you who've written in: Yes, they are real, and they're spectacular. With us tonight: She feels like a million dollars, Debbie Myers!

Debbie: [waves]

Nathan: He feels like a rock star, Reg Goober!

Reg: [salutes]

Nathan: She feels like a princess, Deb Harratsch!

Deb: Hi!

Nathan: And he feels like Chicken Tonight, Edvard van de Kamp!

Edvard: [waves]

Nathan: Let's get it underway with a game called Celebrity Tournament. This is a new game here, so we'll see how it goes. It's for everybody, and what we need from you guys is a suggestion for a game or a sport that you'd play with your friends.

Audience: Jenga! Baseball! Checkers! Bowling!

Nathan: Checkers. Let's do checkers. So the way this works is, Debbie's going to be the announcer of a celebrity checkers tournament. And Reg, Deb, and Edvard are going to be the celebrities, and you'll have to be whoever Debbie says you are. So Debbie, go and start the tournament.

Debbie: [into microphone] And welcome back to the Celebrity Checkers Tournament. This is the second semifinal between Celine Dion and Michael J Fox. And it looks like Michael is about to be kinged.

Reg: King me.

Deb: [French Canadian accent] I don't want to.

Reg: I think you have to.

Deb: I do not have to! I don't have to do anything I don't want, eh!

Reg: But... I got to the end! I get kinged! My whole game has been building up to this! Why won't you king me? [sobs]

Debbie: Well, while that's going on, let's talk to the winner of the first semifinal, Al Roker.

Edvard: Hi.

Debbie: Hi Al. Looking great.

Edvard: Well, thank you. I feel great.

Debbie: You certainly looked great in that semifinal against Jennie Finch. How were you able to defeat her so thoroughly?

Edvard: Well, pretty soon I noticed she had a tendency to pick up her pieces and pitch them underhanded. It was really a simple matter to use that to my advantage.

Debbie: Would you rather face Celine or Michael in the final?

Edvard: I'd rather go up against Celine.

Debbie: Really? Why?

Edvard: She gets distracted when she's playing. It keeps her from singing.

Debbie: All right, well, thanks Al. Let's get back to the action here as it looks like Celine is trying to set herself up for a double jump. Let's see if Michael can stop her.

Deb: What's the matter? Are you chicken? Are you afraid to move there?

Reg: No, I'm not afraid.

Deb: You look like you are.

Reg: Well, I'm not. See? [mimes moving piece]

Debbie: Oh, and it looks like he's played right into Celine's hands! She could finish this match off right here!

Deb: You stupid man, eh! Didn't you see that I could just do this? [mimes multiple jump]

Debbie: And Celine does finish it! She'll meet Al Roker in the final, and Michael J Fox is done!

Deb: [singing] Wherever you are, I believe that you suck and you alllways wiiiilllll!

[Buzzer]

Nathan: A thousand points to Deb for the Canadian trash talking.

Deb: Get that junk outta here, eh!

Nathan: And let's continue with a game called If You Know What I Mean. This is for Reg, Deb, and Edvard. They'll do a scene, and they'll have to use as many obscure clichés and euphemisms and stuff as they can. Reg and Edvard, you'll start, and Deb, you'll come in later. And your scene is: Telemarketers on break.

Edvard: Telemarketers on break?

Nathan: Yeah, telemarketers on break. So go and start.

Reg: Man, this is a rough shift. Those are some hot phone lines, if you know what I mean.

Edvard: Yeah, my earpiece is burning, if you know what I mean.

Reg: Some people just can't find a polite way to say no, if you know what I mean.

Edvard: Everyone's going off prematurely, if you know what I mean.

Reg: Try not to call during dinner, if you know what I mean.

Edvard: Well, you never seem to have that problem, if you know what I mean.

Reg: [puzzled] I must not know what you mean.

Edvard: Oh.

Deb: [entering] You guys are here already? You must have been eager to hang up, if you know what I mean.

Edvard: Well, I have been getting a lot of... rejections lately, if you know what I mean.

Deb: Are you dialing the right numbers, if you know what I mean?

Edvard: I thought I was, but, well, there never seems to be anyone home, if you know what I mean.

Reg: Well, you have been a little too honest about the product, if you know what I mean.

Edvard: Yeah. Could you guys help me with that?

Deb: Well, your sales pitch does need some work, if you know what I mean.

Edvard: But this product don't have a lot of strong points, if you know what I mean.

Deb: [puts hand on Edvard's shoulder] Trust me, I know what you mean.

[Buzzer]

Nathan: You know what, Edvard? You're right. So one thousand strong points for your product.

Edvard: Wow. Thanks.

Nathan: If you know what I mean, that is. Now let's move on to a game called Hats. This is for all of you. Debbie and Deb, there's your box of hats. Reg and Ed, there's your box. We're going to go back and forth, and using those hats, they're going to come up with as many examples as they can of the world's worst dating service videos. So Debbie and Deb, go and start.

Deb: [wearing chef's hat] Hey, soufflés aren't the only thing I can get a rise out of!

[Buzzer]

Edvard: [wearing cowboy hat] Yes, my horse's name is Stampeder. Want to find out what he and I have in common?

[Buzzer]

Debbie: [wearing gas mask] Do you smell smoke, or am I just too hot?

[Buzzer]

Reg: [wearing polka dotted bowtie] I'm a professor of sexual techniques. And I offer private lectures.

[Buzzer]

Deb: [wearing lizard mask] Know what they say about my tongue? It's all true, baby.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: [wearing fake gold chain] I pity the fool who doesn't go out with me!

[Buzzer]

Debbie: [holding pompoms] Just put your hand on my butt and thrust!

[Buzzer]

Reg: [holding megaphone] I'll put my hand on your butt and thrust!

[Buzzer]

Deb: [wearing pink wig] Well, I don't really know what to say, but, well, my name's Nathan, and...

[Buzzer]

Edvard: [holding fake sword; in Scottish accent] You can take my virginity, but you'll never take my freedom!

[Buzzer]

Debbie: [wearing taxi driver's hat] I'd make an illegal U turn for you!

[Buzzer]

Reg: [wearing Chicago Cubs cap] Well, Mia made me sleep on the couch last night, and...

[Buzzer]

Deb: [wearing reading glasses] Yes, I'd like to get brain.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: [wearing fake beard] Well, Tipper made me sleep on the couch last night, and...

[Buzzer]

Debbie: [holding hula hoop; seductively] You know... for kids.

[Buzzer]

Reg: [wearing a propellor beanie] Care to give it a blow?

[Multiple buzzers]

Nathan: Hey, that was great. A thousand points for everyone. Except Deb.

Deb: But it was Debbie's idea!

Debbie: Was not!

Deb: Was too!

Nathan: Okay, and now it's time for a game called Showstopping Number. This is for Debbie, Deb, and Edvard, with the help of Rachael Wright at the piano!

Rachael: [bows]

Nathan: You guys are going to do a scene, but whenever I buzz, you guys have to break into a big showstopping musical number based on the exact same line you just said. And your scene is: Debbie and Edvard are a newlywed couple who discover mice in their hotel room, and the manager, Deb, comes up when they complain. So Debbie and Edvard, go and start.

Debbie: [picks up Edvard]

Edvard: Whoa! Hey!

Debbie: You ready to see the newlywed suite, sweetie?

Edvard: Of course I am, honeybuns, but aren't we supposed to do this the other way around?

Debbie: Come on, silly. There's only one professional bodybuilder in this marriage.

[Buzzer]

Rachael: [plays musical number]

Debbie: [still holding Edvard; singing] Oh, why do I love you so?
Is it because you're weak as dough?
So don't jump into a carriage
Cause there's only one bodybuilder
In this marriaaaaage!

Edvard: You can put me down now, honeybuns.

Debbie: [starting to shake] Oh, thanks. [puts Edvard down]

Edvard: Oh wow, it's so amazing!

Debbie: Oh my god! Look at that! [points]

Edvard: That's a toaster, honeybuns.

Debbie: Oh.

Edvard: You've heard of those, haven't you?

Debbie: It's just... I'm so excited!

Edvard: Me too. In fact...

Debbie: What?

Edvard: Well, to be honest... I'm so excited that I feel like... [spreads arms] singing!

[Expectant pause]

Edvard: Or not.

Debbie: [mimes opening curtains] Oh, look at the view! [points] Look at everyone down on the street!

Edvard: Yeah. Hey, what's that guy doing with that octopus?

[Buzzer]

Edvard: [shakes head]

Rachael: [plays musical number]

Edvard: [singing] What's that guy doing with that octopus?
Oh, I'd better not rhyme anything with octopus!
That would not be the best thing
So let's go back in and have our fling!

Deb: [mimes pressing doorbell] Ding dong.

Debbie: Who the hell would that be? [mimes opening door]

Deb: Someone call about some mice?

Edvard: No, but we were just about to, weren't we honeybuns?

Debbie: Oh, yes, of course sweetie. You must have forgotten to check for mice.

Edvard: It was your turn to check for mice.

Debbie: I'm pretty sure it was your turn.

Deb: Hold on. [mimes taking massive gun from her back, loading it]

Debbie: Wow! What's that?

Deb: It's my Mouseoglock 4000.

[Buzzer]

Rachael: [plays musical number]

Deb: [singing] It's my Mouseoglock 4000 right here!
It makes every mouse run in fear!
Because, you see, it grabs their tails
And slaps them round till they baaaaail!

[Multiple buzzers]

Nathan: Hey, that's great. A thousand points for everyone. Now it's time to play Scenes from a Hat! This game is for everyone, and before the show, we had everyone in the audience write down some suggestions for us to act out. And they're in this hat here. [holds up Caltech baseball cap] And we'll start with... [draws a paper] "Overheard in the Supreme Court locker room."

Edvard: Does this robe make me look fat?

Deb: Of course not, Clarence.

[Buzzer]

Debbie: How come Rehnquist is always on Court TV and not us?

[Buzzer]

Edvard: Oh my god! Did you see that plaintiff's attorney!

All: [squealing]

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Okay... "If announcers were honest about countries at the Olympic parade of nations."

Edvard: Well, the only thing the Dutch have going for them is Edvard van de Kamp.

[Buzzer]

Deb: Now here's the Colombian delegation, and it appears that they're setting up roadblocks along the track and trying to kidnap athletes from other nations.

[Buzzer]

Reg: And the Irish are next, having just gotten here from the pubs. And we'll speak to them just as soon as they're done vomiting.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: Well, one fascinating thing you may not know about Bahrain is that they're getting incredibly rich off the ever increasing gasoline prices that you're paying.

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Okay... "Celebrity books that won't get written, but should."

Debbie: [mimes taking book off shelf] Hmm. Britney's Rack Is Fake, by Justin Timberlake.

[Buzzer]

Deb: Anger Management the Smart Way, by Ron Artest.

[Buzzer]

Reg: Barry's Head Is Fake, by Gary Sheffield.

[Buzzer]

Deb: How Plastic Surgery Took 814 Years Off My Face, by Joan Rivers.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: View from the Popemobile, by Pope John Paul II.

[Buzzer]

Debbie: You know, I'd like a good short read. Ah. The Collected Wisdom of David Beckham.

[Buzzer]

Nathan: "Emergency subject changers when she talks about commitment."

Edvard: [points] Quick! Look over there! It's... umm... you know, something you think is cute! Like a puppy walking on its hind legs or something!

[Buzzer]

Deb: I think that cannelloni gave me gas. Did it give you gas?

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Okay. "Little known ways to kill vampires."

Deb: [approaching Reg's neck]

Reg: Hey, look over there! [points]

Deb: [turns around]

Reg: [applies Vulcan neck pinch]

Deb: [falls over]

[Buzzer]

Debbie: [mimes showing something to Deb] Now look, Deb. If the vampire shows up, just show him this picture of Nathan.

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Hmmm... oh no. "Things you shouldn't say when your friend catches you masturbating."

Debbie: What? Really?

Nathan: Yeah. [shows paper to Debbie]

Debbie: [reads paper] Oh god.

Edvard: Hey Reg! I'm pretty good at this, aren't I?

[Buzzer]

Deb: Oh! Debbie! I was just thinking about you!

[Multiple buzzers]

Nathan: Okay! That's enough! Well, tonight's winner is Edvard! Edvard wins, so he gets to do nothing over here [stands up] and the rest of us will do a game called Foreign Film Dub. Debbie and I are going to do a scene in a foreign language. Reg, you'll translate for me. Deb, you'll translate for Debbie. And let's have a suggestion for a language for us to fake.

Audience: Norwegian! Japanese! Afrikaans!

Nathan: I heard Norwegian. Let's do Norwegian. And what's the name of our Norwegian romantic comedy?

Audience: Where's the Sun?

Nathan: Okay. Where's the Sun?. So let's do the Norwegian romantic comedy, Where's the Sun?.

Debbie: Vahordey angla jaer pointo pointo pointo!

Deb: I want a cookie cookie cookie!

Nathan: Ja, magnusson arbys regela mattleur. [turns around dramatically] Mattleur brindy nargür vårnorono, vilnius lopes.

Reg: Yes, I think cookies are fine, although I must say, the wall of your house is very plain in this perpetual night.

Debbie: [puts hands on Nathan's shoulders] Oh, jårder glorgny ventra parang mutra glangro brinn! Brinn faltra remplo plantro vaschia!

Deb: Oh, don't toy with me! You know you feel the same way about cookies as me!

Nathan: [facing Debbie] Bahaar! Talla balaghy ruschi targryte ostra yallop!

Reg: It will never work! Your Norwegian is so beautiful, and yet mine sounds like Russian!

Debbie: Nagjar jalortra pascia hammarby glorg vajjar. [looking away] Tamarta varglo tasha spamatla veggie retlo.

Deb: You're right. It would only work if you gave up your vegetarian ways.

Nathan: [gasps] Valja restra røpro? Nijmia! Nijmia, nijmia, nijmia!

Reg: And eat what? Spam! Spam, spam, spam!

[Buzzer]

Nathan: [returns to desk] Well, now we'll have Deb read the credits. Deb, we'll have you read the credits as the others catch you masturbating. Good night everyone!

Deb: Oh... oh yes, Debbie Myers!

Reg: What the...?

Deb: Aah! Reg Goober!

Edvard: [mimes taking pictures]

Deb: It's not what it looks like!

Debbie: Really? That's not what Rachael Wright said.

Reg: Can't you just keep your hands off yourself for one minute?

Edvard: Yeah. Put them on me instead.