WEEKLY WHINE

The folly of Artest

2004 has nearly reached its end, and like Survivor or something, it's time to vote on whose torches should be put out. The result came down: a unanimous vote for everyone. So put your torch up to your monitor, and we'll put it out for you.

Note: Depending upon which clock system you're using, 2004 may still be in progress. Don't blame us.

GOOBNET 2004 REVIEW COMMITTEE MEMBERS

• Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO, GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn't actually exist however]
• Debbie Myers, host, Interaction
• Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater
• Deb Harratsch, editor, porthole.goobnet.net

Best Event: Final match, Euro 2004
Edvard says: Some people said that Greece were destined to win Euro 2004. But did you hear anyone saying that before the fact? Even going into the final match, after Greece had begun the tournament by defeating Portugal, the hosts were widely favoured. Angelos Charisteas scored on a second half header, and Greece, who'd never even won a match at a major tournament before this one, were suddenly European champions.

Worst Event: Reelection of George W BUSH, United States
Reg says: Know what was worst about all this? In the leadup to the election, there was much talk about how it would be decided by the youth vote, ie, people 18 to 29. Well, according to CNN's exit polls, those 18 to 29 represented a mere 17% of the ballots cast. Come on, American youth. Four years from now, when you're all being laid off, you will see the error of your ways.

Silliest Event: Opening ceremony, 2004 Summer Olympics
Debbie says: The kid on a paper boat, the chick with the glowing womb, Cube Guy, the flooded infield, Eros's high wire act, the Audio Animatronic-style parade floats, the chicks dressed as vases. You can count on the opening ceremony of any major sporting event to have a few laughs like that, but the organisers here really outdid themselves.

Best Discovery: Past liquid water, Meridiani Planum, Mars
Reg says: Mars Exploration Rover-B [GoobNet continues its boycott of the assigned names] discovered convincing evidence that there used to be liquid water in Meridiani Planum. Cross bedding, jarosite, spherules, and sulfates are all good news for those of us who want liquid water to have been on Mars.

'All About the Benjamins' Award: Accuser of Kobe BRYANT, Eagle, CO, United States
Debbie says: Your actions speak louder than your words. And in this case, your refusal to testify in the criminal trial - and your apparent eagerness to testify in a civil trial - not to mention your desire to transfer the case to tort-friendly California - tells us all we need to know about you.

Best Film: None
Deb says: No good movies this year. They all sucked. Fahrenheit 9/11 gets the nod if we have to give an award, if only because of the way Republicans responded. How do you fight a film that bashed Bush? Do you make a film that praises Bush? Of course not! Just make a film that bashes the guy who made the film that bashed Bush!

Worst Film: Ocean's Twelve, United States
Deb says: So if twelve is the new eleven, does that make zero the new negative one?

Chris Farley Memorial 'Lah-Dee-Freakin-Dah' Award: Paris HILTON, United States
Reg says: I just don't get it! Why is she still famous? I mean, everybody forgets about all those amazing record breaking Olympic athletes as soon as the flame's extinguished, but Paris is the first repeat winner of GoobNet's Chris Farley Memorial "Lah-Dee-Freakin-Dah" Award for Excellence in Irrelevance. No hay justicia, man.

Best Eclipse: Lunar eclipse, THU 28 OCT 2004
Deb says: Following the World Series Earthquake, we now have the World Series Eclipse. Oh, and just a remark: All you Brits and Japanese and everyone who keeps complaining about the terminology, will you shut up already? We know teams from around the world do not play in the World Series. But the name's not changing. Just like the UEFA Champions League, which includes many teams who were not the champions of their respective leagues.

Ankle of the Year: Curt SCHILLING's right, Boston Red Sox
Reg says: Congratulations to Schilling for literalising "Red Sox". Now we don't need any of that annoying grainy black and white footage of Babe Ruth.

Worst Footballing Blunder: The person who threw the lighter, Stadio Olimpico, Rome, Italy
Debbie says: Who the hell throws a lighter onto the pitch of an UEFA Champions League match? Who the hell throws a lighter at all? That moment of moronitude prompted AS Roma's WED 15 SEP 2004 match against Dynamo Kiev to be forfeited, as well as leading to a ground closure for Roma's other two group matches. In the end, Roma finished the group with a single point. Way to support the team there.

Worst Basketballing Blunder [Player]: Ron ARTEST, Indiana Pacers
Edvard says: The question is, do we award it to him for asking for time off, for fighting that fan, or for going on national TV the morning after he was suspended and hyping that album? Maybe all of the above.

Worst Basketballing Blunder [Fan]: John GREEN, West Bloomfield Township, MI, United States
Edvard says: The most astounding thing about this whole Idiocy of Detroit thing is that just about everybody involved made at least one monumentally stupid decision. Green, who allegedly threw the cup at Artest, said he isn't a criminal. He may have been convicted of at least one felony, but he isn't a criminal.