WEEKLY WHINE

Half BAKED

This document was intercepted from a bathroom in the Senate wing of the United States Capitol, where it was pretending to be toilet paper. It is now being posted publicly for the first time, offering an important preview of the future of American scientific and educational policy. - NGB

FROM THE DESK OF

George W Bush, President of the United States

TO:
All members
Bushies Against Knowledge, Education, and Discourse

Dear BAKED Members:

Thank you for choosing to be a part of the first organisation dedicated to the eradication of independent thought in the United States. With your help, we can ensure that the US is a safe place for those of us eager to strike fear and panic in the hearts of Americans.

As an introduction, let me remind you of the most important facts that BAKED is trying to prevent the American public from discovering:

1. Dick Cheney is an android.
2. Saddam Hussein's regime in Iraq did not have any weapons of mass destruction.
3. The FCC actually received no complaints about Janet Jackson's breast exposure at Super Bowl XXXVIII.
4. The invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq have actually given terrorists more reason to strike the US, thereby making us less safe.
5. The scientific community is in fact in wide agreement over the dangers of climate change and the importance of the Kyoto Protocol.

The first step toward ensuring the American public's ignorance has already been taken. You will no doubt recall the No Child Left Behind Act, which provides for minimum standards in our nation's schools. In fact, though, with the scant budgets we've been allocating to schools, they have been forced to focus all their resources on simply meeting these standards. Advanced courses and other programmes for the most promising students are being slashed right and left. In effect, then, it is actually the No Child Gets Ahead Act.

It is important for all BAKED members to have in depth knowledge of the cover stories we are using to divert attention. For example, cynics need only be reminded that we are preparing to fund Project Constellation, a NASA program dedicated to returning astronauts to the Moon and continuing onward to Mars. There is no need to mention that this important and challenging program is being undertaken with only a minimal change in NASA's budget, thereby forcing the cancellation of numerous other research programs that would have helped enhance the value of Project Constellation by helping place its discoveries in a wider context.

When asked about any of the above topics, the ideal response would be to change the subject. If a question about our refusal to participate in the Kyoto Protocol comes up, for instance, simply remind listeners of its consequences on the US budget and our workers' ability to remain competitive in the global workforce. Do not address the dire economic straits we will be in when our fossil fuels run out, when storm systems increase in severity and frequency, or when rising seawater eradicates six of our largest cities.

With a coordinated and concerted effort, we can ensure that the American public continues to swallow the same distractions and fabrications that wouldn't fool an outside observer for a second. We can also make sure that instead of those pesky investigators and experimenters, our future scientists are unquestioning followers of our slightest whims.

Sincerel- oh, wait, almost forgot my catchphrase.

May God bless America.

Sincerely,
George W Bush