WEEKLY WHINE

Soap on a rope

So with Martha Stewart out of prison, there goes a great joke opportunity. You know, about how hers was the cleanest cell in Block E, about how her cellmate would always put her things in the wrong place, and all that.

Hold it. Can you believe that we only made one Martha Stewart joke that whole time she was in prison? Reg is going to be pretty angry at the next staff meeting.

But at least we have you, our readers, to make the Martha Stewart jokes for us. Unfortunately, most of your jokes sucked. Here they are anyway, because even if it's going to embarrass you and make you a laughingstock at your place of work, we still have an obligation to don the old flak jackets and break the seal on the GoobNet Mailbox.

---

I heard once that Martha Stewart kept a book by the bed so that if she ever woke up in the middle of the night, she could switch on the light and start reading instantly. Did she still do that in prison? – Luba Zlotny, Sofia, Bulgaria

If talking the warden into relaxing the lights out rules doesn't work, there's still a great alternative available. Several prison libraries have Braille books, and if yours doesn't, the librarian will be happy to order some for you. Learning to read Braille can improve your efficiency even further, as well. Reading one book visually and another tactilely can be a very good thing.

---

Well, I bet the prison food improved a lot with Stewart in there. – Jon Dalton, Colchester, UK

A lot of the prisoners last week thought that the gravy was far too thin. Well, what we've done here is, we've used the same stock as a starter, but we've added in just a touch of the pudding that they normally serve as a dessert. So if you have two things you've made, and one's too thin but one's too thick, just mix the two together.

---

I heard she's going to publish a prison cookbook. Wouldn't that be hilarious? – Clara Evans, Grand Rapids, MI, USA

Most inmates' harshest complaints, though, are reserved for the mashed potatoes. And when you look at the way they're prepared, I think you'll understand why. Using a spoon helps to break up the largest pieces, but once you've done that, you really have to switch to the egg beater to ensure that you end up with a nice smooth mixture like this.

---

You think Martha Stewart ever dropped the soap? – Nick Washington, Farragut, MI, USA

I don't think that joke really works for a women's prison.

---

That's sexism. I've been in and out of women's prisons for the last five years, and I can tell you, women drop the soap just as much as men. – Dara Congley, Cambridge, MA, USA

Yes, but what happens when a woman drops the soap? Are there any lasting consequences?

---

Of course there are! There was one inmate once that we called Lassie, and she just couldn't hold onto the soap. It would bounce all over the showers, and she'd run after it helplessly. It was hilarious. We never let her hear the end of it. – Dara Congley, Cambridge, MA, USA

Hey Nick, would you care to tell us what happens when someone drops the soap at a men's prison?

---

Well, I'm not sure just what I can say, so I'll just give you this hint: Unwilling penetration. – Nick Washington, Farragut, MI, USA

Dara, does that help?

---

Unwilling penetration? The only way that would work would be if... hold it. If they bend down to get the soap, and then... oh god! Oh man! That's just... ugh! You can't be serious, right? I don't believe that at all. I think you're making that up. – Dara Congley, Cambridge, MA, USA

Shut up.