WEEKLY WHINE
So the NHL's 2004-5 season is no more, unless the negotiators who are hard at work as we write this can pull a labour agreement out of their collective asses. That would be an unprecedented accomplishment, a Miracle on Paper, if you will.
But things look grim for the National Hockey League anyway. Even if they do reach an agreement and get back onto the ice, are people really going to turn out to watch it? This whole lockout has, if anything, demonstrated that neither management nor the players had any regard for how their fans, often called some of the most loyal in professional sport, feel about them.
Just as a reminder, a work stoppage like this would be a deathblow for MLS or the WNBA. The WUSA's shutdown has been going on for almost a year and a half now, with no signs that it will resume action.
So let's assume that the NHL will be destroyed by its own hubris. How to fill the void of cross checking, icing, shift changes, and two minute minors? That's easy. After intense sessions with the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED], they threatened to walk out if they didn't get cookies. But we hooked them up with some cookies, and they came through with this plan for a new league to rise from the ashes of the NHL.
This league shall be known as the "GoobNet Hockey League" or the "GHL".
The GHL shall be the world's foremost ice hockey league. It shall permit the sport's greatest players to test themselves against one another on a regular basis. It shall do this by organising an annual championship of its member clubs.
A. MEMBERSHIP. The GHL shall initially be comprised of clubs in the following sixteen locations in the US and Canada: Boston, MA; Calgary, AB; Chicago, IL; Detroit, MI; Edmonton, AB; Minneapolis, MN; Mississauga, ON; Montréal, QC; New York, NY; Ottawa, ON; Philadelphia, PA; Pittsburgh, PA; St Louis, MO; Toronto, ON; Vancouver, BC; Winnipeg, MB.
B. DIVISIONS. The clubs shall be divided into two divisions of eight clubs each. The Canadian Division, Eh [CDE] shall be comprised of those clubs located in Canada, whereas the American Division, Yo [ADY] shall be comprised of those clubs located in the United States.
C. NAMES. If the GHL is able to acquire the rights to the names and logos of former NHL clubs, those names and logos shall be assigned to the appropriate clubs. Otherwise, the clubs shall be named as follows:
| CANADIAN DIVISION, EH | AMERICAN DIVISION, YO |
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D. ADMINISTRATION. The first commissioner of the GHL shall be GoobNet's favourite politician, Bob Dole.
A. SEASON DURATION. The GHL's regular season shall begin in the third week of October in every year. It shall take the second week of December off for the All Star Game and conclude in the last week of February. The playoffs shall span seven weeks in March and April.
B. SCHEDULING. The baseline schedule of each regular season shall be released in the first week of June. The baseline schedule shall assume that all games are to take place on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. When the baseline schedule is released, clubs shall have the option to move their games one day forward or one day backward by mutual consent. The schedule shall be finalised in the last week of June.
C. NUMBER OF GAMES. Each club shall play 58 regular season games. They shall play clubs within their own division six times [three at home and three away], and clubs in the other division twice [one at home and one away].
D. PLAYOFF QUALIFICATION. At the conclusion of regular season play, the four clubs in each division who have won the most games shall qualify for the playoffs. Where two or more clubs have won the same number of games, the following tiebreakers shall apply in order:
E. PLAYOFF FORMAT. The club with the highest number of wins in its division shall play against the club with the fourth highest number of wins in the same division in the first round of the playoffs. Likewise, the teams with the second and third most wins in a division shall play against one another. The two first round winners in each division shall play one another in the second round for the division championships. The division champions then play one another for the league championship.
F. PLAYOFF SERIES FORMAT. Each playoff series shall last a maximum of seven games; when a club wins four games of the series, that club shall be declared the winner of the series. The club that won more games in the regular season shall host the first, second, sixth, and seventh games of the series, and the other club shall host the third, fourth, and fifth games.
G. CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY. The club that wins the championship shall be awarded an entirely new trophy, the BIJ Cup. The trophy's full name is the "Bettman Is a Jerk Cup".
A. IIHF RULES. International Ice Hockey Federation rules shall apply during GHL games, with the following exceptions.
B. TIEBREAKING PROCEDURE. If both clubs have scored the same number of goals after three periods, an Infinite Overtime shall be played. This consists of a series of twenty minute periods, played in the same way as regulation periods. These periods shall continue until a goal is scored, at which point the club that scored the goal shall be declared the winner.
C. FIGHTING. Fighting is not permitted in the GHL. If opposing players begin to throw punches at one another, the referee shall immediately stop play, separate them, and take them to a platform adjacent to the penalty box, where two buzzers shall be available. The referee shall read a trivia question to the two players. The first player who buzzes in shall answer the question. If that answer is correct, the player shall be declared the winner of the challenge; otherwise, that player shall be declared the loser. The player who loses the challenge shall be assessed a five minute major.
A. EXPECTATIONS. The GHL intends to be the best environment for professional athletes and for sports fans. No compromising of this environment shall be permitted.
B. PLAYER-FAN RELATIONS. During a GHL game, any fan who throws an object or a punch at a player, or any player who throws an object or a punch at a fan, shall be banned from GHL games for life. Any fan or player involved in less serious offences shall write an essay of at least 2,000 words on a subject to be chosen by the league office and shall read it in its entirety prior to a game of the league office's choosing.
C. TICKET PRICES. No team shall charge more than US$60 for any ticket to any GHL game. Each game shall have at least 5,000 tickets available at a price of US$5 or less.
D. TELEVISION. The only national television coverage of GHL games shall be CBC's Hockey Night in Canada on Saturday nights and any broadcast of the same games in the United States, either by simulcasting CBC's feed or by independently producing a broadcast of the same games. All other games shall be broadcast on local or regional television subject to agreement by the respective clubs.
E. RADIO/INTERNET. The GHL and its member clubs reserve the right to sign agreements with radio or Internet broadcasters for coverage of GHL games. Such broadcasts will not be subject to the limitations on television broadcasts in paragraph D.
A. ELIGIBILITY. Any human may play in the GHL. This includes men, women, children, and others.
B. ALLOCATION. Any current members of the NHL Players' Association who join the GHL shall be placed in an Allocation Pool. On FRI 25 FEB 2005, an Allocation Draft shall be held, with the following draft order:
The clubs may sign other players to make up the remainder of their initial rosters.
C. ANNUAL DRAFT. An annual draft shall be held for new players entering the GHL in June. Clubs shall select players in order of their number of wins in the previous season, starting with the least.
D. SALARY LIMITATIONS. There are to be no limitations whatsoever on the amount players may be paid. If a club goes bankrupt because it paid too much money to players, that's the owner's own damn fault.
A. MEMBERSHIP. For their crimes against the sport, Gary Bettman, Bill Daly, Bob Goodenow, and Ted Saskin are banned from the GHL for life.
B. STARTUP. The GHL shall begin play on TUE 15 MAR 2005 with a special Inaugural BIJ Cup Tournament. The eight clubs in each division have been randomly drawn into these matchups:
| CANADIAN DIVISION, EH | AMERICAN DIVISION, YO |
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These will be seven game serieses, as in the playoffs. The series 1 winner will play the series 4 winner, as will the series 2 and series 3 winners. The tournament will then continue as in section 4E.
C. ALL STAR GAME. The first GHL All Star Game shall be held SUN 11 DEC 2005 in Atlanta, GA, USA. The All Star Game will then alternate between homes of GHL clubs and homes of former NHL clubs.
D. MATTERS NOT PROVIDED FOR. Any matters not listed in these regulations shall be subject to Commissioner Dole's discretion.
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