WEEKLY WHINE

Annoying Voice Game

Do you have an annoying voice? Now's the time to be proud of it!

In fact, now is the only time to be proud of it. The rest of the time, you should be shamed and embarrassed.

Anyway, today we're going to play the Annoying Voice Game. The rules are simple. We've got eight annoying voices lined up here. They'll eliminate each other, until we're down to the most annoying voice in existence today.

By the way, could you imagine a celebrity Weakest Link with these eight? You'd break your mute button.

MICHAEL BAIAMONTE [1] V STUART SCOTT [8]

Occupations: Baiamonte is the PA announcer for the Miami Heat. Scott is a SportsCenter anchor.

Baiamonte sez: "Dwyaaaaaaane Waaaaaaaaade! Threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..."

Scott sez: "Boo-yah!"

Decision: Stu-isms are much shorter. In Baiamonte's case, he can sometimes be heard still carrying on about the Heat's previous basket while the opponents are making a basket of their own. Baiamonte wins this encounter.

MICHAEL JACKSON [4] V CÉLINE DION [5]

Occupations: Both are employed as singers.

Jackson sez: "You know I'm bad! I'm bad!"

Dion sez: "Near, far, wherever you are..."

Decision: Do you have "My Heart Will Go On" echoing through your head now? Ha ha! That'll teach you to read GoobNet on a weekly basis. Anyway, that was much more annoying than anything Jacko has come up with, even his recent work, "Sorry I'm Late, Your Honour". Dion wins.

FRAN DRESCHER [2] V DICK VITALE [7]

Occupations: Drescher is an actress. Vitale is a college basketball analyst.

Drescher sez: "Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party!" No, wait, that was Family Guy.

Vitale sez: "That was awesome, baby! Slam bam jam!"

Decision: Vitale's use of repetitive catch phrases and high volume make him much more annoying than Drescher, who at least is easier to understand. Vitale busts the bracket here.

WILLIAM HUNG [3] V BRITNEY SPEARS [6]

Occupations: Both Hung and Spears are singers.

Hung sez: "Like every girl in history, she bangs, she bangs."

Spears sez: "Oops I did it again!"

Decision: On one end, we have the loud annoying voices, like Vitale. On the other end, we have the annoying annoying voices, like Dion. Hung is right in the middle, and so he's not really all that annoying - he's just funny. But Spears is annoying, definitely. Spears is the winner.

MICHAEL BAIAMONTE [1] V CÉLINE DION [5]

Baiamonte sez: "Uuuudonis Haaaaslem, Diesel powered!"

Dion sez: "And I think to myself, what a wonderful world."

Decision: And to think, people who don't watch basketball might give Dion the title without a second thought. If you're not familiar with Baiamonte's work, turn on a Heat game and listen for him. [It won't be hard.] Baiamonte advances to the final.

DICK VITALE [7] V BRITNEY SPEARS [6]

Vitale sez: "He's a diaper dandy, baby!"

Spears sez: "I'm not their babysitter. It's the parents' responsibility. If you don't like it, turn the TV off."

Decision: It's very difficult to find Vitale more annoying than Spears. Spears's singing is difficult to tolerate and is usually joined by accompaniment nearly as annoying. Vitale, though loud, simply does not have the mental staying power that Spears does. Spears reaches the final.

MICHAEL BAIAMONTE [1] V BRITNEY SPEARS [6]

Baiamonte sez: "And noooow, Miamiiiiii, staaaand up and make some nooooo-iiiiiise for your Miamiiiiiii Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..."

Spears sez: "I think we should, like, support our president."

Decision: In case you're wondering, yes, Baiamonte does say that, exactly that, at least ten times every Heat game. Even Spears's musical excesses don't have that kind of staying power. Congratulations, Michael. Yours is the mooooost annoy-iiiiing voooooooooooooooooooooooooo....