WEEKLY WHINE

The non-special ones

So, in a shocking turn of events that should have stunned nobody, Chelsea have finally secured the English Premier League championship. After their 2-0 win over Bolton today, coach José Mourinho forgot to skip the press conference. And many other players from the victorious squad were there as well. Here's what they were saying.

FRANK LAMPARD

Tell us about the first goal you scored today.
Well, Didier did a good job getting the ball down into a playable position, and from there it was all about being a guy who finishes.

Sam Allardyce has said that Jiri Jarosik should have been called for a foul on that play. Did you agree?
I'm not really sure what Jiri did on that play, but if that's what the referee said, that's what the referee said. It's not our fault that their manager talks too much.

Would you say that your manager talks too much?
Sure, Coach Mourinho has been blabbing on way too much. But that's his style, and we won like that, so we're not going to change things now. To people who don't like it, I would say: We won, you lost.

Take us through that second goal.
I looked up, and their keeper was coming at me. So I went around him.

Is there anything special you did before the match today?
Yes, I had a bran muffin.

PETR CECH

How does it feel to be Premiership champions?
Oh, it feels absolutely brilliant. I feel like I could do the chacha without stepping on anybody else's toes.

Has that been a problem for you before?
Yes, it has. I went back home to Plzen last year, and I went to a party where everybody was doing the chacha. So I watched for a while, and I was like, I could do that. And then when I did, I stepped on Marie's toe. And then I stepped on Michel's toe, and then Liesl's toe. So I thought maybe I should stop.

Are there any dances that you are good at?
No, there really aren't. I've kind of wanted to take lessons, but I've never had the time. And you'd think that as a goalkeeper, you know, I would have better footwork. But that hasn't been the case.

Which dances would you like to learn?
I want to square dance.

Square dance?
Yeah, I think it's a lot of fun. At least it looks like it when they do the little thing and they hold onto their belt and stuff like that. That seems like it would be a riot.

CLAUDE MAKELÉLÉ

How do you feel right now?
I have a hankering for a bran muffin, to be honest with you.

Was there any point at which you realised, 'Holy crap, we're going to win the title'?
Yes, when the final whistle was blown.

But you had already won the title at that point.
Yes, that's true.

So did you never realise until then that you were going to win?
Football is a crazy game. Anything can happen.

You weren't confident in victory even with a 2-0 lead with fourteen minutes remaining?
I'm always confident in victory. I just chose not to think about the title until we won it.

Is it really possible to put it out of your mind like that?
Oh, absolutely. I have been listening to a set of self help tapes.

Do they help?
No, I do the helping. Ha ha ha! Get it? Self help? Well, I thought it was good.

How does playing at Chelsea compare with Real Madrid?
Things are much better for me here. I am an important player on the team, and I am enjoying my part in the team very much. And this enjoyment has absolutely nothing to do with how much more money I make here than I did in Madrid. Nothing at all.

DIDIER DROGBA

What does this championship mean to you?
I like it. I like being the best. It's lots of fun.

Have you ever experienced anything like this?
Well, I was in France when they won the World Cup. And people there were absolutely bonkers about that. So I look forward to getting back to Chelsea tonight. I expect our fans to be very, very thrilled about this.

When Lampard scored his second goal, you got an inflatable trophy from someone in the crowd. Why?
I liked it. It was shiny.

Do you like shiny things?
Well, if they're trophies, I like them. I very much like to win trophies. And I hope the form that I'm in now for Chelsea will carry over to the Côte d'Ivoire international team. I would like to win very much with them.

EIDUR GUDJOHNSEN

Who are you?
I'm Eidur. You know, Eidur Gudjohnsen.

Oh, that's right. I forgot.
That's okay.

Are you happy about this championship?
No, it depresses me.

It does? Why?
Ha ha! Gotcha! Of course I'm happy. You reporters are so gullible.

What did you think of Lampard's performance today?
Well, there's no I in team, so of course he gave 110%. He just took it one game at a time and treated our opponents with respect. If we had a good offense, it came from a good defense, and we gave all we had for ninety minutes.

JOHN TERRY

Talk about what this championship means to you.
It means a lot. Having been here at Chelsea for years, and coming up from the youth ranks into the first team, and having to go through all that stuff about the thing, and picking up a black eye today, it's all kind of worth it now. I want to take this opportunity, really, to laugh at everybody who thought I should be kicked off the squad.

Who thought you should be kicked off the squad?
You did. All y'all. You people in the media, you columnists and photographers and pundits who were saying that John Terry should be banned from football, John Terry should know better, all this and all that. You don't know John Terry. You don't know where John Terry comes from. Until you know this, I suggest you put your pens away, put your cameras away, and stop talking about John Terry.

What do you think people should know about you?
John Terry doesn't jake. For all y'all who don't know what jake means, it means to pretend to be something you're not. It's hood language. Back in the hood, we would say that all the time.

You're from Barking, in greater London.
That's the hood.

No it isn't. I live in Barking. It's a fairly middle class area.
See, that's what I'm saying. You're my peeps, so you should be standing up for me. But you're not. I want you to do one thing. Ask yourself, Why am I not standing up for John Terry?

Did you come from a lower income area of Barking, or something?
Man, next question.

Would you have preferred to come from someplace else, perhaps Ealing?
This press conference is over.

JOSÉ MOURINHO

What does this championship mean to you?
Ha ha ha! Weeeeeee are the champions! Nooo time for loooo-sers! Weeeeeeeeeee are the chaaam-pions! Woooo! Ha ha!

How does this compare to your recent successes at Porto? How much more of a challenge was this?
Yeah! Wooooo! Na-na nah nah, na-na nah nah, hey hey hey, goodbye Arsenal! Na-na nah nah, na-na nah nah, hey hey hey, goodbye Arsenal!

When you went in for halftime, it was still goalless. What did you say to the team during the break?
Ha haaa! Mud on your face, big disgrace, kicking your touchline ban all over the place! Sing it! Weee will, weee will rock you! Boom-boom whack! Tee hee hee hee!

How will this team now go to Liverpool this week and play your Champions League semifinal? Will this team be able to concentrate on that match?
Woooo! Ha ha! Ba-bam ba-bam ba-da-bap-bam, woo-hoo! Ceeeee-le-brate good times, come on! Na na na-na na na-na naah, there's a party going on! Something-something in the air! Ceeeee-le-brate good times, come on!

What would you say to all those who have criticised your behaviour as boorish, annoying, inconsiderate, brash, offputting, cocky, and stupid?
Do a little dance, ba-dap ba-dap! Make a little love, ba-dap ba-dap! Get down tonight! Ha ha ha! Get down tonight! Wooooo!