Schmilblick Patrol: Jeff Van Gundy

Edvard: Hi there! Hey, welcome to GoobNet's Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol! Let's meet today's participant. He's spent nine years as an NBA head coach, he's taken the New York Knicks to the NBA Finals, and he's won 385 regular season and postseason games going into tonight's Game 7 against Dallas. Playing the game today, please welcome Houston Rockets head coach Jeff Van Gundy.

Jeff: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: Hi Jeff. Thanks for being here today. All set to meet the patrollers?

Jeff: Absolutely.

Edvard: Okay. Here's Wendy from Sunderland, England, UK.

Wendy: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: Eddie from Indianapolis, IN, USA.

Eddie: How ya doin.

Edvard: And Michelle from Coral Gables, FL, USA.

Michelle: Hello.

Edvard: And what's your Schmilblick today, Jeff?

Jeff: My Schmilblick is: Why I accused the NBA of caving in to pressure from Mark Cuban and telling refs to call more fouls on Yao Ming.

Edvard: Sounds like a good one. Why you accused the NBA of telling referees to call Yao Ming more tightly in response to Mark Cuban's complaints. So if our patrollers can solve your Schmilblick today, they'll win seats to your hearings before David Stern. But if they can't get your Schmilblick in eighteen questions, you'll win seats to Wendy's hearings in front of her boss. So, good luck to everyone today. Patrollers, are you ready?

Michelle: Yeah.

Wendy: I'm ready.

Eddie: Yeah.

Edvard: Jeff, are you ready?

Jeff: Let's go.

Edvard: Okay, let's go on patrol! Wendy, you've got the first question.

Wendy: Okay, thanks Edvard. Jeff, do you want the referees to call fewer fouls on Yao Ming?

Jeff: Yes, I do.

Edvard: That's not your Schmilblick though.

Jeff: No, it's not.

Edvard: All right, well, that's one down, seventeen to go. Now to you, Eddie. What's your first question?

Eddie: Coach Van Gundy, do you actually have a friend who is an NBA referee?

Edvard: Okay, right to the heart of the matter. Jeff, do you have an NBA ref friend?

Jeff: Umm... the commissioner told me not to talk about that until the investigation is over.

Edvard: He did?

Jeff: Well, yeah.

Edvard: Couldn't you have told us that before we got you on our show?

Jeff: Yeah, you're right. Maybe I should have.

Edvard: Well, anyway, the answer to your question, Eddie, is a definitive maybe. So two down, sixteen to go. And before we hear the third question, let's meet our patrollers. Michelle, hi.

Michelle: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: You're retired, I understand.

Michelle: That's right, Edvard.

Edvard: What did you do?

Michelle: I ran a Chicago bakery.

Edvard: Fascinating. Any well known clients?

Michelle: A few of the Bears came by a few weeks after they won the Super Bowl. Jim McMahon gave us a signed headband that said Danish.

Edvard: Really? Now, did he actually order a danish?

Michelle: Yes. He really liked it.

Edvard: All right, great. Well, let's have your first question, Michelle.

Michelle: Jeff, did your friend show you the league's memo?

Jeff: I can't talk about that either.

Edvard: Okay, well, that's three down, fifteen to go, and we're getting more boring by the minute. Wendy, hi.

Wendy: Hello, Edvard.

Edvard: You're a tour guide in Sunderland?

Wendy: I am.

Edvard: What are some of the hot spots in Sunderland?

Wendy: One popular venue is the Sunderland Empire theatre, where Sid James was performing when he died.

Edvard: What show was it?

Wendy: The Mating Season. They say his ghost is still in the dressing room.

Edvard: Well, I'm pretty sure we don't have any ghosts in our dressing rooms here. Let's have your next question.

Wendy: All right. Jeff, have you noticed the referees calling Yao differently during the playoffs than they did in the regular season?

Jeff: Yes, they have called him differently.

Edvard: They have.

Jeff: Yes.

Edvard: Okay. So, four down, fourteen to go. Eddie, hi.

Eddie: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: What do you do in Indianapolis?

Eddie: I own a pawn shop.

Edvard: What's the strangest thing that anyone has ever sold to you?

Eddie: Once, someone came in trying to sell me a bent butter knife.

Edvard: A what?

Eddie: A bent butter knife. He claimed it was art. I said, "No it's not. It's a butter knife that's bent in half."

Edvard: What did he say?

Eddie: He said, "Well, if you can't appreciate the groundbreaking concept that this piece represents, I'm afraid I have no option but to take my business elsewhere. Good day, sir." And then he just walked out.

Edvard: All right. Well, how about your second question.

Eddie: Sure. Coach Van Gundy, did you make up the thing about your ref friend in hopes of buying you some sympathy amongst the fans?

Edvard: Wow. Another invasive question from you, Eddie. Jeff, this has got to be like being interrogated by Commissioner Stern. So, did you make it all up?

Jeff: I... um... I can't talk about that either. Sorry.

Edvard: You can't talk about that?

Jeff: No. I can't.

Edvard: So, that's five down, thirteen to go. Now back to you, Michelle.

Michelle: Jeff, is there anything relating to what you said about your referee friend that you can talk about?

Jeff: No, there really isn't.

Edvard: Okay. Well, that's another nonanswer. Six down, twelve to go. Wendy, let's go back to you.

Wendy: Well, considering that you can't talk about anything useful, can we all just go home?

Jeff: Yes, I think you can.

Wendy: All right. See you.

Edvard: Um, okay. Well then, nobody wins, everybody loses. And we'll see you next time on GoobNet's Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol, where I promise we'll have a more interesting game next week. This is Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks. Good night everyone!