WEEKLY WHINE

You'll never bitch alone

Now that UEFA have decided to let Liverpool into next year's Champions League qualifiers after all, it's time to consider what will happen in those qualifying matches. For those who have no idea what has been going on, Liverpool went into halftime of the 2005 Champions League final trailing Milan 3-0. But in a span of just eight minutes in the second half, the Reds equalised, going on to win the match on penalties.

But all this came after Liverpool finished fifth in the English Premier League, which is normally not good enough to make next year's Champions League. According to the rules, if a country has four places [like England does], and the winner of the Champions League doesn't finish high enough in their league, the country's FA has to decide whether the fourth placed team or the defending champion gets to play in the next year's tournament.

That's what the rules used to say, at least. But in the 2005-6 Champions League, Liverpool have been permitted to participate even though they finished behind Everton in the Premiership. The catch, of course, is that they'll have to go through all three qualifying rounds. But who knows what will happen in those qualifying matches? We do.

FIRST QUALIFYING ROUND

Zrinjski [BIH] v Liverpool [ENG]

NK Zrinjski were champions of Bosnia-Herzegovina for the first time this year, which means they'll take part in European football for only the second time, having participated in the UEFA Intertoto Cup previously. But their tie against Liverpool will be the biggest matches in the club's history, and because their stadium is not up to UEFA standards, Zrinjski will have to host the first leg in Sarajevo.

In that match on WED 13 JUL 2005, the Bosnia-Herzegovina Premier League leading scorer, Zoran Rajovic, will give the home side an early lead, but Harry Kewell will come off the bench with twenty minutes remaining and head in a cross from Xabi Alonso, and the teams will go back to England with the series even at 1-1.

But at Anfield on TUE 19 JUL 2005, things will turn around. The Zrinjski defense will be completely befuddled by Kewell's shots that curl to the right instead of to the left, since he's from Australia. He'll start this match, scoring two and providing two assists as Liverpool go on to defeat Zrinjski 5-0, 6-1 on aggregate.

After the match, Zrinjski coach Franjo Dzidic will say, "I thought we matched up well against them, except for the positions where we were weaker. But I thought their bench players were not as exciting as ours. Our bench was jumping up and down, shouting, yelling, making noise, and doing all sorts of silly things. The Liverpool bench, I feel, could learn much from us."

Liverpool coach Rafael Benitez will respond, "Our bench doesn't need to be noisy. It just needs to win."

SECOND QUALIFYING ROUND

Liverpool [ENG] v Hajduk Split [CRO]

The Liverpudlians will again have to face off against a club from a former Yugoslav republic. HNK Hajduk Split are Croatian champions for the second straight year, but they will offer very little to challenge the Reds. Coach Miroslav Blazevic will try to encourage his side to play for the counterattack when they visit Liverpool in the first leg on WED 27 JUL 2005. The traffic will be one way, and Split's only real chance will come on a counter, when Dragan Blatnjak will gain possession at midfield and race toward Jerzy Dudek's goal. But Dudek will do his penalty dance, perplexing Blatnjak and slowing him down enough to allow John Arne Riise to catch up with him.

After a 3-0 loss in the first leg, Split will return to their Stadion Poljud on WED 03 AUG 2005 hoping to turn things around. But, predictably, they won't. Xabi Alonso will run circles around the Split defense, and Djibril Cissé will run parallelograms around them. They'll forget to score any goals whilst they're doing all this, meaning that Liverpool will end up with a 3-0 aggregate win.

At the postmatch press conference, Xabi Alonso will say, "You know, during the match I was thinking that there was something I was forgetting to do. But after the match was over, I looked up at the scoreboard and said, Yeah, that's what I was supposed to do. I hope Coach won't sell me back to Real Sociedad because of that. Not that there's anything wrong with Real Sociedad."

Benitez will respond, "I agree with Xabi. There isn't anything wrong with Real Sociedad."

THIRD QUALIFYING ROUND

Liverpool [ENG] v Wisla Kraków [POL]

Liverpool will finally face a challenge in Wisla Kraków, whom they host in the first leg on WED 10 AUG 2005. There is some uncertainty in Kraków as to whether one of their best players, Maciej Zurawski, will remain with the club. In the end, he will, the lure of a Champions League place proving too great. Wisla, having just won their third straight Polish championship, will visit Anfield with their league season already underway, but several key players missing due to injury.

Zurawski, one of Dudek's friends from the Polish national side, will have a good game with two goals in the second half. But Igor Biscan will have an even better game, with three goals in the first half. Liverpool will escape with the 3-2 win. After the match, Dudek will admit, "Yeah, I gave Mac those two goals. He's a good friend. He deserved it. But I told him after the whistle, we're going to kick their asses in Kraków. He said, 'Yeah, you're going to kick our asses right into the Champions League.' He's such a kidder."

The second leg, at Wisla's Stadion Wisly on WED 24 AUG 2005, will be a much tighter affair. The fans will become increasingly tense the longer the match goes goalless. In the 88th minute, Wisla will have a golden opportunity to take control of the match as Jakub Blaszczykowski, with letters falling off the back of his jersey as he goes, makes a run down the flank. His cross into the area will be punched out by Dudek for a corner, but when the corner kick is put into play, Sami Hyypiä will be whistled for a foul on Tomasz Frankowski, and the referee will point to the penalty spot.

Dudek will again break out the penalty dance, but Zurawski will do a dance of his own before stepping up to fire the penalty past Dudek's flailing legs. Wisla will hold on to win the second leg 1-0, and with the series tied 3-3 on aggregate, Wisla will win 2-0 on away goals.

At the same time, Everton will defeat Norway's Vålerenga 3-1 on aggregate to earn their way into the UEFA Champions League group phase. Upon hearing of Liverpool's loss, Everton coach David Moyes will roar, "Yeah! More TV money for us!"