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IF SWALLOWED, INDUCE VOMITING AND CALL A PHYSICIAN - THEN CLIMB UP THE WALL
SUN 23 OCT 2005: Look Away, Joe

SUN 30 OCT 2005

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SUN 25 DEC 2005: It's Advanced Probabilistic Analysis with Tara Reid!

WEEKLY WHINE

So much for paganism

SAT 29 OCT 2005

01:04 UTC: It's just after 18:00 PDT on the Friday before Halloween. We're at a secret location north of Santa Barbara, CA, USA for GoobNet's big Halloween bash, and Reg and I are setting up.

"Hey Deb?" he says as I'm plugging in the speakers.

"Yeah, boss?"

"Want to keep a journal?"

"What for?" I ask.

"For the site, moron."

"Must I?" I sigh.

He replies, "You could always go home and never work for me ever again."

I say, "That's an enticing possibility."

It isn't really; I agree to maintain this journal to be posted.

01:44 UTC: The first guests are expected in about sixteen minutes. This party is going to be a little different, since our cofounder and managing editor is away on a football trip. But he's a bit of a prude anyway, so hopefully this one will be wilder than usual. My only concern is my costume.

02:09 UTC: "So where is everybody?" I ask Reg.

"They're probably having trouble finding the place," he says.

02:13 UTC: "Hey, sorry. We had trouble finding the place," says Sheryl Swoopes.

"No problem," I say. "Come on in."

She tells me, "I thought you might want to meet Jordan before I drop him off with the sitter."

"You're right. I do want to meet him."

Sheryl says, "Say hi, Jordan."

"Hi."

I shake hands with the young man standing next to his mother. He's wearing a shirt that says I [heart] MY MOMS.

"Who are you supposed to be?" I ask him. "Ross's kid from Friends?"

"Yeah."

"Good guess," Sheryl says. "Well, I'm taking him to the sitter. Come on, Jordan."

I wave. "It was very nice to meet you, Jordan."

"Nice to meet you," he replies.

"Scotty and I will be here in about an hour and a half," Sheryl says.

On their way back to the car, Sheryl says over her shoulder, "By the way... you look cute."

"Thanks," I answer.

02:36 UTC: A man on stilts arrives, shouting, "Hey Deb!"

"Edvard?" I call. "That you?"

"Yeah! Like it?"

Craning my neck, I see him atop the stilts. He is wearing a Washington Wizards jersey with the number 77.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"Gheorghe Muresan!"

"Who?"

"Tallest player ever in the NBA!"

"Ah. Good job."

"I like yours. You look cute."

He walks over to one of the tables.

I'm watching the clouds move past when I hear him shout, "Umm... Deb?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you toss me up some candy?"

"Not used to being tall?"

I throw a packet of peanut M&Ms up to him.

"Thanks," he calls.

02:42 UTC: Dave and Vickie Beckham are next to arrive. They each hug me as they enter.

"Hey Deb," Dave says. "How's it hanging?"

"It's hanging pretty good. Hey listen, thanks for helping out with GoobNetaire."

"It was my pleasure. I was just hoping we'd have more GoobNetaires by now."

"Yeah, me too," I admit. "But Melissa's supposed to come tonight. So it'll be good to see her again."

"Yeah."

"Got anything to drink?" Vickie asks.

I point her to the bar.

"Good," she says. "Anyone mind if I get fucking pissed tonight? Great!"

I ask Dave, "So who are you two supposed to be?"

"You don't get it?"

Shrugging, I say, "I guess not."

"We're hanging Chads."

He points to the noose around his neck, and then to his Cincinnati Bengals jersey with the number 85. His wife is also noosed, though she is wearing a Chicago Fire jersey with the number 9.

I groan.

"Hey Deb!" Vickie shouts from next to the bar. "You look cute!"

02:49 UTC: Debbie walks in, saying, "Hey. Can't stay long. I've got to take the redeye back to Blighty."

She has to host Interaction in Warwickshire in just sixteen hours.

I ask her, "Are you wearing that on the plane?"

The front of her shirt reads NOT A TERRORIST. She turns around to show me the back, which reads AND I'M CERTAINLY NOT A MEMBER OF AL-QAEDA.

She tells me, "I'm thinking I'll change before I get on the plane."

"Smart move."

"Although that could give me an idea for next year. You know, I could be a body cavity search victim. Anyway, you look cute."

03:03 UTC: Jess Alba arrives, dressed as in her recent film, Fantastic Four.

Reg, walking past in his costume as the flasher from Monty Python [the one who's fully clothed under his trenchcoat, only with a sign round his neck reading BOO!], says, "Excuse me. I have to go jack off."

As he walks away, she turns to me and rolls her eyes.

"And I have to work with him," I say.

She giggles, then points to my outfit. "You look cute."

"I take it you're Sue Storm?"

"No, I'm something else invisible," she responds. "I'm the coalition's exit strategy."

"Nice one."

03:23 UTC: "Oh... my god! What the hell is this?"

I turn around to see Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen walking in. Ashley is wearing big round glasses, a magenta shirt, jeans, and a magenta hat.

I say to her, "You must be Meg Griffin."

"Yep."

Mary Kate is wearing a turquoise shirt, slacks, and a red wig. She bellows, nasally, "Where the fuck is everybody?"

Ashley whimpers a little bit and turns away in response to this outburst.

"Who's got the liquor?" Mary Kate shouts.

Walking past, Reg says, "Sheryl Swoopes? She should be here any minute."

"Whaaat? I don't think I got that."

"What do you mean you didn't get that, you stupid whore?" Ashley shouts at Mary Kate. "Lick... her! It's exactly the kind of idiotic joke you like!"

Mary Kate bursts into a wild fit of laughter, eventually collapsing on the ground gasping for breath. "Oh... my... god! That's great! Lick her! Oh, I wish I'd thought of that one! Ha haa! That's..."

Ashley rolls her eyes at Mary Kate, who has pretended to pass out on the floor. "Guess that mean's I'm driving home again," Ashley mutters.

I tell her, "You two are really getting into your characters."

"Thanks. We spent all day today watching the DVDs. Oh, by the way... you look cute."

03:39 UTC: "Go!" I shout, releasing Vickie's and Mary Kate's arms. In less than ten seconds, Mary Kate pins Ashley's arm to the table.

"Ha haa!" Mary Kate shouts, still using Lois's voice. "You drink!"

Vickie downs a shot of whatever the hell it was. Bourbon, I think.

Dave comforts her as she gets up and staggers away. "It's okay, snooky," he says to her. "I'm not much of an arm wrestler either."

"Who dares challenge me?" Mary Kate yells. "Come on! You're all chicken! What about you, Edvard? You want some? Yeah! That's right you don't!"

03:56 UTC: From the entrance, I hear a shout of, "Hey! You look cute!"

I walk across to greet Sheryl and her partner, who had shouted that.

"Hey Sheryl. Hi, I'm Deb."

"Alisa."

We shake hands, and I ask, "What are you two, then?"

They're both wearing Yankees jerseys. They turn around to show me the numbers on the back. Sheryl wears 2; Alisa wears 13.

Alisa says, "Well, in honour of Sheryl's new status, we decided to come as another well known gay couple. Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez."

04:33 UTC: Melissa, who earned fame as our first GoobNetaire, has arrived, her husband Jay in tow.

"Hey Melissa," I say. "How's your new fortune working out?"

She says, "Well, a million Silly Bucks didn't really buy me happiness, but they bought me something almost as good. A loving husband."

Jay points out, "You didn't have to pay any Silly Bucks for me."

"That's right!" Melissa responds. "I didn't have to pay anything for you! You were free! And worth the price!"

Jay says to me, "You look cute."

I ask them, "What are you two supposed to be, anyway?"

"Can't you tell?" Melissa says.

They are gradually moving downward until they're standing on their knees.

I guess, "Are you turning into midgets?"

"Close," she says. "We're the president's approval rating."

05:09 UTC: The danceoff is nearing completion. Vickie and Jess are on one side of the stage, Mary Kate and Debbie on the other. They're dancing to Way Out West's "Mindcircus", and it's really comical. Vickie and Jess have got really close to each other. Vickie has her hands on Jess's ass, and Jess's hands are cradling Vickie's face. Mary Kate and Debbie are staring into one another's eyes. Their hips are gyrating in lockstep, and they have their hands on each other's chests.

They stop, and everyone cheers. Edvard says, "Um... you know what? It's a tie. We're going to have to go to overtime."

Force Majeure's "Out of My Mind" plays, and they get right back to it.

05:22 UTC: Barbara and Jenna Bush, daughters of the US president, show up in brightly coloured unitards, each carrying a folding chair.

"What are you?" I ask. "Professional wrestlers?"

"That's right," Jenna says.

They smash the chairs onto each other.

Barbara says, "By the way... you look cute."

06:19 UTC: We are watching the sixth overtime in the danceoff. It's Threesome's "Mohave", if you're interested.

Anyway, Vickie, Jess, Mary Kate, and Debbie seem to be running out of ideas. By now they're simply standing as close to one another as they can, moving their hips back and forth.

Jay walks up to me and says, "What's the ratio here? Like, three to one for the girls?"

I look around and see only four guys: Reg, Edvard, Dave, and Jay. But there are eleven girls.

"Yeah, just about," I say.

Jay shakes his head. "Long way from Caltech."

06:22 UTC: Fuck! I forgot about Debbie's midnight flight! I shout to her, "Hey Debbie! Your flight!"

She calls back, "What time is it?"

I tell her, "23:20!"

"Oh shit!" she responds. She kisses Mary Kate on the cheek and dashes out the door.

Edvard asks her, "So are you going to get a new partner, or do you forfeit?"

"Of course I'm not fucking forfeiting! Meg! Get up here!"

Ashley had been standing in the corner talking to Reg. Hearing Mary Kate, she tries to slip into the shadows. But Reg pushes her toward the stage.

Mary Kate shouts, "Meg! Meg! Meg!"

Ashley dances with Mary Kate, though not quite the same way as Debbie did. Dave shouts, "¡Dios mío! ¡Una chica!"

Alisa says to him, "So you do speak Spanish."

06:25 UTC: Janet Love 1 and Ali Liminisi 2 stumble in. Janet 1 is yelling, "Who started this party without me?"

I go over to meet them, and Ali 2 says to me, "You look cute."

Janet 1 cracks her whip just in front of Ali 2's nose, shouting, "Did I say you could talk?"

"No, mistress," Ali 2 mumbles.

Janet 1 yells, "Speak up, you vomit sack! I can't hear you!"

"No, mistress!"

"Shut the fuck up! Hey, Deb. Sorry we're late. We were... um... sidetracked."

"That's okay," I say. "What are you guys, anyway?"

Janet 1 is in the tight leather and spiked heels of a dominatrix. But Ali 2 is wearing a Galaxy jersey with the number 10 on the back.

Janet 1 says, "Duh, idiot! She's Landon Donovan, and I'm his girlfriend!"

"Oh, that's adorable," I say.

Ashley and Mary Kate have been arguing about the danceoff. I call to Mary Kate, "Hey, want a different partner?"

She calls back, "You offering?"

I turn to Janet 1 and Ali 2, pointing back to the stage.

Janet 1 says to Ali 2, "You! Get up there and dance with Lois!"

"Thank you mistress!"

"Shut the fuck up! And don't ever go to Germany again! Except for this summer!"

So Ali 2 becomes Mary Kate's new dance partner.

08:44 UTC: It's approaching 02:00 PDT. If we were at a bar, it would be shutting down about now. Luckily, we're not.

At the other corner of the tent, the danceoff is still continuing. But in my corner, Sheryl, Ashley, Reg, Melissa, and I are playing Yahtzee. I've won two games so far, and Ashley and Reg have each won one.

I get a call, but it's just some loud shouts of "YOU CAN NEVER, YOU CAN NEVER, YOU CAN NEVEEEER REST EASY! CAUSE THE TEEEEAM YOU'RE PLAYING IS THE LA GALAXY!"

"Who was that?" Reg asks.

"Nathan."

"Tell him hi," Melissa says.

"Tell him to get back to work," Reg adds.

10:05 UTC: Yahtzee disbands. Reg was the champion.

We all wander back over to the danceoff, where Edvard tells me that they're now in the 25th overtime. Sheryl has just taken over for Ali 2 as Mary Kate's partner. Amazingly, Jess and Vickie are still dancing together.

"Have they been up there the whole time?" I ask Edvard.

"What do you think?" he replies, pointing at them.

I see his point. Vickie's Chad Barrett jersey is sticking to her skin. Jess's skintight outfit, which looked uncomfortable when she arrived, now looks downright painful. Mary Kate's shirt is thoroughly soaked. And all of them have sweat rolling down their faces.

10:22 UTC: You'll never believe it! Two more ties! If this continues, we're not letting Edvard judge any more.

The 27th overtime starts up, with Delerium's "Heaven's Earth". Jess appears to be a bit more energetic, as though she caught a second wind from somewhere, but I'm distracted by the sight of Janet 1 and Ali 2 approaching from afar.

But something seems off.

I say to Ali 2, "Weren't you Landon when you guys got here?"

She tells me, "Yeah. See, we're not all that keen on dom/sub stuff, but we thought we should do it tonight. So we decided that to even it out, we'd swap roles halfway through the night."

Sure enough, Ali 2 is now in the leather and spikes, whereas Janet 1 is wearing Landon's jersey.

I take another look at the stage.

"You think the party's already half over?" I say.

11:51 UTC: I would say, "Oh... my god," but Ashley beat me to it.

Earlier, Melissa and Jay left, as did Dave and Vickie. Vickie's place in the danceoff was filled by Janet 1, whereas Jenna has replaced Sheryl.

And now, they're... well... they're frolicking about on stage in a state of undress.

Jenna and Mary Kate were dancing to Li Kwan's "Point Zero", Mary Kate standing in front of Jenna. Jenna had her arms around Mary Kate's waist, and I couldn't see any daylight between them.

I'm not quite sure, but I think the way it happened is that Jenna was licking the sweat off Mary Kate's neck. I think Jenna moved up to Mary Kate's jaw, and then her cheek... and then her lips. Next thing I knew, they were kissing like Dave and Vickie had on their way out.

Then, just to make it that much more surreal, they tore off each other's clothing.

Now, Janet 1 and Jess have done the same thing. Janet 1 couldn't get Jess's suit off without ripping it.

And now Edvard has just announced that Mary Kate and Jenna have won the danceoff, in an unprecedented 34 overtimes. I'm not certain, but I think that means we can go home.

11:57 UTC: And now an excerpt from my interview with the winning dancers:

Jenna: "Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I can't believe I fucking did that. Jesus fucking Christ! My dad is going to be so pissed!"

Mary Kate: "Want me to buy him off for you? I hear he's available for any price."

12:19 UTC: Barbara and Jenna are on their way out. Barbara looks embarrassed for her sister, although Jenna looks plenty embarrassed for herself.

Sheryl and Alisa leave next. Sheryl says to me, "That's something you won't see on an Olivia cruise ship."

"Are you sure?" I say.

She responds, "Stop it. It's not that kind of company."

12:21 UTC: Jess leaves in a daze. Her suit in tatters, she's forced to hold it to herself. Hopefully she'll avoid the humiliation of being pulled over on her way home.

I say, "You looked really good up there, Jess."

She nods and stammers, "Hmm-mmm-mmm, y-y-y-yeah."

12:27 UTC: Mary Kate and Ashley stumble out of the bathroom. Mary Kate talks to Edvard, as Ashley comes to talk to me. "That was an awesome party," she says. "Can we come next year?"

"Sure you can," I answer. "Only next time we want to see your skin."

Ashley laughs. "If you insist."

I shrug. "Fair's fair."

She says, "Next year you and I are dancing."

"Excuse me?"

"Come on," she says. "You know you want to."

"Fine. But not as rough as your sister, okay? A little tenderness, that's all I want."

"Sure thing."

13:02 UTC: The party went almost all night, but it's not even getting light out yet.

Edvard has followed Janet 1 and Ali 2 to their hotel. Reg and I have stayed behind to clean up.

Now we're done, and there's no more to do. The tent is folded up and loaded into the truck, the sound equipment is in there with it, the leftover candy is in the cab, and we've collected as much litter as we could.

I say to Reg, "Well... want some breakfast?"

"Sure," he says. "And afterward..."

"What?"

"Well... do you want to go trick or treating?"

I laugh. "I've got my costume."

"Yes you do," he replies. "You know something? You look cute."

"So did you figure out what it is?"

"A naked female robot built in the likeness of Maria Sharapova with her legs turned around backward?"

We get into the truck, and he starts the ignition.

"That's close enough," I say.

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