WEEKLY WHINE

Weltmeisterschaft visitors

Is there any bad astronomy worse than astrology? The idea that Jupiter can affect the sorts of things that happen to you – but supernova 1987A can't – is not only illogical, it's dangerous. Yes, if you continue to believe that Kepler's laws can dictate which numbers you should pick in the lottery [which is a tax on your mathematical inabilities anyway], you will be burned. After all, all horoscopes have the For Entertainment Only disclaimer, which puts them in the same corner as The Da Vinci Code.

Fear not, though. GoobNet [which isn't even for entertainment] knows that the things that happen to you are not dictated by whether Saturn is crossing its ascending node in Ophiuchus. They are dictated by where you're visiting at the 2006 Men's World Cup.

Remember: If you don't like your prediction, Weltmeister-Tickets are available from Deutsche Bahn at €54, €74, or €90 depending upon distance.

LEIPZIG
You are confident in yourself, and you have a spring in your step. Great things are going to come your way, starting with this soap scum remover. Take away all the soap scum in your bathroom in one easy step, retail value €3.79. Use as directed. You should avoid anyone whose last name includes a U, unless it has an umlaut on it.

NÜRNBERG
You are short, light, and plain. You'll meet someone tall, dark, and handsome today, but be careful! If you touch that person, you'll both annihilate and produce gamma rays as a byproduct. Your lucky lawn mower is riding.

KAISERSLAUTERN
You are most compatible with someone whose pants stay on even without a belt. Your lucky fish is an open mouthed carp.

KÖLN
You are hard to pronounce.

HANNOVER
You live for the moment. At some point, though, you'll want to decide which moment it is you're living for. Your lucky nose is Francesco Totti's.

HAMBURG
You have a tendency to let four moptopped guys from Liverpool play music. You open your port frequently to duty free traffic, although you'll have to keep an eye on your health if this keeps up. Your lucky league is the Hanseatic.

GELSENKIRCHEN
You're not paying attention to what others are saying to you. For example, just yesterday Frank from Essen said to you, "What do you get if you multiply six by nine?" If you had been listening, perhaps you could have come up with the answer.

FRANKFURT
You've got ninety thousand pounds in your pajamas. You've got forty thousand French francs in your fridge. You've got lots and lots of lira, now the Deutsch mark's getting dearer, and your dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge.

DORTMUND
You like to make big things out of little things. Your chess pieces have a tendency to get lost, so consider one of those magnetic travel chess sets.

MÜNCHEN
You cannot be serious. In fact, the last time you said something in a serious fashion was nine years ago, and even then it was a lie.

STUTTGART
You are not easily disturbed. In fact, we're going to try to disturb you right now. Look out! Somebody's sneaking up behind you! See, you didn't fall for it. For that... hey! Put your pants back on! We don't need to see that! That disturbed you, right? That we knew you had your pants off?

BERLIN
You have bright hair, not much time, and the wrong type of shoes.

NOT GOING TO GERMANY
You need something to occupy your time for the next four weeks.