Schmilblick Patrol: Lula da Silva

Edvard: Hello everyone! Hi! Thank you! Hey, welcome to the show! Welcome to this special edition of GoobNet's Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol! We're live in Berlin, Germany from the World Cup, and we've got a very special guest joining us tonight. He's a former union leader and member of congress, and he's been serving in his present office since 2003. Joining us live by satellite from Brasilia, please welcome the 39th president of Brazil, Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva!

Lula: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: Hi Mr President. Good to have you with us. Ready to meet our patrollers?

Lula: I am.

Edvard: Okay. From Mainz, Germany, here's Liza.

Liza: Hi.

Edvard: Percival from Somerset, IL, USA.

Percival: Hey Edvard.

Edvard: And Florentina from Fortaleza, Brazil.

Florentina: Hi.

Edvard: Great to have all of you here with us. Mr President, how about you tell us what your Schmilblick is today.

Lula: Sure. My Schmilblick is: Why I asked if Ronaldo was fat during a teleconference with Brazil's national team this week.

Edvard: Why you asked if Ronaldo was fat during your teleconference with the Brazil team. Okay. Sounds like this will be a bit tricky, but patrollers, if you can determine President da Silva's Schmilblick, you'll win a trip to the Palácio do Planalto to visit his office and watch Brazil's match against Australia with him. But Mr President, if our patrollers can't identify your Schmilblick in eighteen queries, you'll win a trip to Fortaleza to watch the Brazil-Australia match in Florentina's office. So, patrollers, ready?

Percival: Yeah!

Liza: Let's go.

Florentina: Ready.

Edvard: Mr President, ready?

Lula: I am ready.

Edvard: Okay, let's go on patrol! Liza, we go to you first.

Liza: Okay. Hi, Mr President.

Lula: You can call me Lula.

Liza: Hi Lula.

Lula: Hi.

Liza: Okay, Lula, do you think Ronaldo is fat?

Lula: No, not at all.

Edvard: You don't?

Lula: Of course not. He's a great player.

Edvard: All right, well, a politician's answer there, I suppose. That's one down, seventeen to go as we move on to you, Percival.

Percival: Hi Lula. Do –

Lula: You can't call me that.

Percival: What?

Lula: You'll have to address me as Mr President.

Percival: What? Why?

Lula: Because.

Percival: Because I'm not a hot chick like she is? Is that what you mean?

Lula: No, not at all.

Percival: Well, that's what I think. I think this is sexism, Mr President, and I won't stand for it. In fact, I don't even want the prize. I'm leaving. [exits]

Edvard: Is he coming back? [shouting to Percival] Hey, are you coming back?

Percival: [off camera] Fuck you!

Edvard: Okay, well, what do we do in this case? What's the rule? [pause] Emergency code A? What the hell's that? [pause] Keep going? Like, alternate? Okay, I guess. Well, we're going to continue by playing – what? [pause] Say what? Fine. Implement emergency code A!

[Sirens, red lights.]

Edvard: We actually have visual effects for this? All right, whatever. We're going to continue with the two of you, alternating back and forth just as normal. But before we get started, let's get to know our patrollers, starting with you, Florentina.

Florentina: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: Hi Florentina. So what do you do in Fortaleza?

Florentina: I run a meat market.

Edvard: Is that right?

Florentina: Yes.

Edvard: And what kinds of meats do you sell at this market?

Florentina: All kinds. Flank steak, chuck, T-bones, ribs, round, brisket, tenderloin, –

Edvard: That's all beef.

Florentina: Yes.

Edvard: You said you had all kinds of meats.

Florentina: Yes.

Edvard: So what other types of meat do you have besides beef?

Florentina: Besides beef?

Edvard: Chicken, pork, bologna, buffalo, duck, hamster...

Florentina: Well, we have bacon.

Edvard: Okay. That's a start. I bet you have sausages.

Florentina: Yes, certainly. Lately we have been stocking up on German sausages, like bratwurst, braunschweiger, mettwurst, blutwurst, knackwurst, and so on.

Edvard: Great. Well, let's have your first question.

Florentina: All right. Mr President, do –

Lula: You can call me Lula.

Percival: [off camera] Oh, there's a surprise!

Edvard: [shouting to Percival] Go away! [normally to Florentina] Let's have your question.

Florentina: Lula, do you like Ronaldinho better than Ronaldo?

Lula: I like all our players equally.

Edvard: You're sure?

Lula: Yes, I'm sure.

Edvard: Okay. Well, that's two down, sixteen to go. Liza, hi.

Liza: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: What do you do in Mainz?

Liza: At the moment, nothing. I'm looking for work with a cycling team.

Edvard: A cycling team?

Liza: Yes. My dream is to be in those cars giving water bottles to my team members in the Tour de France.

Edvard: Well, we wish the best of luck to you, Liza. Let's have another question.

Liza: Lula, were you making a joke?

Lula: Well, I was trying to.

Edvard: Trying to. I suppose not everyone thought it was funny.

Lula: Exactly.

Edvard: But that's not your Schmilblick.

Lula: No, it isn't.

Edvard: Okay, well, that's three down, fifteen to go, and we go back over to you, Florentina, for your second question.

Florentina: Lula, have you watched Brazil's warmup friendlies?

Lula: Yes, I saw them all.

Edvard: Okay. That's four down, fourteen to go. Back around to you, Liza.

Liza: Did Ronaldo look fat to you?

Lula: Not really.

Edvard: Okay. We're learning a bit more, but it's five down, thirteen to go now. Florentina, what will you ask?

Florentina: Okay. Ummm... did you... did you do it on a bet?

Lula: Yes. And that's my Schmilblick.

Edvard: Really?

Lula: Yes.

Edvard: Wow. Can you explain, Mr President?

Lula: Certainly. I was talking to my good friend, Hugo Chávez, and he was talking about how jealous he was that my country was going to the World Cup again, and his had never been. And when I told him about the teleconference with the Seleção, he said, "Dude, you know what would be so funny? If you asked if Ronaldo's still fat! That'd be so awesome!" So I did.

Edvard: So, did he bet you something?

Lula: Yes, he did. Hugo owes me a hundred reals and an Ozzie Guillén jersey.

Edvard: Yes, and now you owe the remaining patrollers a visit to your office. So congratulations to you, Liza and Florentina. You got President da Silva's Schmilblick in only six questions. You'll be watching the Brazil-Australia match at the Palácio do Planalto with the Brazilian president. Thanks once again for joining us, Mr President. And when we see you next week, our guest participant will be whichever referee is responsible for the biggest fuckup of the week. This is Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks. Good night from Berlin!