WEEKLY WHINE

Don't panic? Whatever

Are you afraid to get on an airplane yet? No? In that case the authorities will have to work harder.

Yes, in the last week, we've seen two commercial airline flights diverted and one airport closed down. The total, actual threat? Nil. Not a single real human life was placed at risk. But there can be no doubt that this was the right response. Safety, after all, is far more important than landing in the correct place.

So how can we make air travel safer? That's right, by banning more things from aircraft. The GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] is here to help by telling us what else we should ban.

STIMULANTS

We all know that the airlines treat passengers like molecules in a solid. The airlines try to pack everyone together as closely as possible in a regular lattice structure. But humans – you know, real, actual people – are not like molecules in a solid. We're like molecules in a gas. We take up as much space as we have available. And if the available space isn't enough? We bounce off each other, exerting pressure on one another and on the environment, in this case the flight attendants, until the flight attendants crack. And they're already very close to cracking. Just ask them. Press the call button and ask, "Are you very close to cracking?" The fact that you summoned them from all the way in the back to answer that stupid question should push them over the edge.

That's why stimulants should be banned, because it will increase the passengers' effective temperature.

We should also ban hyperactive people too. Do we need a separate heading for that?

HYPERACTIVE PEOPLE

Apparently we do.

TIMEPIECES

Remember last week, when British security forces foolishly decided that nobody carrying anything other than a passport or boarding pass should board an aircraft? What exactly did British security forces expect everyone to do for seven hours? Play Yahtzee with the dice they weren't allowed to bring on?

Those were some pretty bored passengers, and they must have been made more bored when they began to check their watches every five minutes, only to realise each time that it had been only five minutes since the previous check. For the safety of all concerned, all portable timepieces should be seized and banned from commercial flights. All you need is the announcement after landing, when the flight attendants announce the approximate local time. It's so approximate, in fact, that they round to the nearest five minutes.

NOTES THAT CLAIM THERE'S A BOMB ON THE AIRCRAFT

The advantages of this point should be obvious.

SHIT

You may wonder, why should we ban human feces from aircraft? Aside from making the lavatories cleaner, this would increase security by leaps and bounds. If you've ever seen a prison film, you know that you can hide anything up your ass. But by evacuating the rectum and then plugging it up, we can ensure that no would be attackers will extract any sort of device from the ass.

Now you may wonder, how can we ban human feces from aircraft? The US Department of Homeland Security is doing its part, by trying to scare every would be passenger shitless before they board their flights.