WEEKLY WHINE

Leaky trees stump Edvard

You'd better check your tree now. It might be leaking.

With this week's shocking news that there is a tree in San Antonio, TX, USA that is leaking water, forestry and water experts have been befuddled. What would prompt a tree to begin spewing comfortably cool water that may or may not have magic healing properties?

Fortunately, we here at GoobNet have a man who can answer these questions; whether he wants to is another matter entirely. "Dynamite Eating" Edvard van de Kamp is on hand, and he can handle any stumping you care to throw at him. So fire up your browser, if you haven't already, and see if you can Stump Edvard. And we have more information about Edvard and his past stumpings in the Dynatree, over there on the left.

Dear Edvard: I heard about some tree in Texas that was leaking magic water. How do I find out if my tree is leaking magic water? – Michelle Dullinez, Campinas, SP, Brazil

Dear Michelle: First check to see if it's leaking some sort of water. If it's not leaking water, it obviously can't be leaking magic water. Then, if it is leaking water, check to see if the water is magic. Try putting it on a spider bite and seeing if the welt goes away, or try drinking it and seeing if you are suddenly able to taste creativity.

Dear Edvard: Okay, I'm gonna go try that. – Michelle Dullinez, Campinas, SP, Brazil

Dear Michelle: I'll answer some other questions whilst we're waiting.

Dear Edvard: What type of tree is it, and is that type of tree known for leaking water? – Santo Dunkirk, Cork, Ireland

Dear Santo: It's a red oak, genus Quercus, section Lobatae. I've not been able to determine what species. Red oaks are not known for leaking water; they are known for long styles and bitter acorns that have a woolly shell interior.

Dear Edvard: I'm gonna go add the stuff about magic leaking water to the Wikipedia article! – Clint Sprogax, Brooklyn, NY, USA

Dear Clint: Looks like it just got reverted.

Dear Edvard: Where is one most likely to find trees that leak magic water? – Cynthia Wagner, Wright, KS, USA

Dear Cynthia: In your mind.

Dear Edvard: Well, my tree was leaking water, but when I drank it, I died. – Michelle Dullinez, Campinas, SP, Brazil

Dear Michelle: The US Department of Homeland Security has announced that the water from your tree is not permitted on flights to or from the United States.

Dear Edvard: So how many people do you think are going to make the "pilgrimage" to San Antonio to see the magic leaking tree? As many as visit Lourdes, or as many as went to see that one potato that sort of looked like Mother Teresa? – Linda Fïllar, Tumba, Sweden

Dear Linda: I hear tours are being organised right now. The only question is how much the woman who owns that plot of land will be charging for admission.

Dear Edvard: Why would so many people want to see a tree that has water falling out of it? – Sandy Álvarez, Sunrise, FL, USA

Dear Sandy: Because they're dumb.