WEEKLY WHINE

Going over the line

In football, you aren’t over the line until you’re over the line.

To most people, this would be a tautology, but in football, nothing is as it seems. To those who have power in football, definitions aren’t just definitions; they’re excuses to complain. That’s why pressure from club directors, managers, and even players has prompted FIFA to trial electronic ballwatching systems that set off the referee’s pager when the ball is over the line. They were first tested at the U-17 World Cup in Peru last year; the only problem was that there were no controversies there [at least, none relating to whether the ball was over the line].

So are you happy about this? There are many ways to find out, but here at GoobNet, we don’t have access to any of them. So, instead, we’re going to take a look inside the GoobNet Mailbox, where you can see your own opinions, or at least those that the authorities have told you to have.

So, wait. I’ve been reading about how they want to use technology to officiate football matches. Do you really think that computers and electronics can tell us when a guy is diving or when he’s really fouled? – Don Henson, Cambridge, England, UK

No. That’s not what’s going on here. The technology, manufactured by Adidas, involves a RFID chip in a football, and receivers placed strategically about the stadium, so that they can detect where the ball is and therefore whether the ball has crossed the goal line.

I just read that they’re testing video technology at the soccer world youth championships next year. This is good. I like video. Video is good. – Mike Adams, Jackson, MS, USA

Okay, there is no video involved here. RFID transmitter and receivers. Got that, everyone?

Goal line technology in football is long overdue. The only thing it needs is a better way to notify when a goal is scored. Usually, when somebody scores, you just hear the crowd cheering, and maybe Daft Punk on the PA system if it’s the home team. I think the goal posts should light up, sparks should shoot from the corner flags, the ball should explode, and spotlights should illuminate the player who just scored. Also a fire truck should drive onto the field towing a midget on roller skates. – Emma Naustreeme, Le Mans, France

Let me guess. You’re supporting Vince McMahon in the next FIFA election.

If this test is successful, what other ways will they use technology in football? – Roger Collesser, Singapore

They will use technology to identify counterfeit tickets [which was tested at the World Cup this summer], to keep hooligans out of stadia, and maybe even to determine whether fouls occurred inside or outside the area.

I’m very happy about this and feel that computers should be used to determine whether players are using banned substances. – Dick Pound, Ottawa, ON, Canada

Bad news, Dick. When players urinate on computers, the computers will not tell you whether or not the players are using banned substances.

All right! They’re using video technology to catch the cheaters! Maybe now we can put a stop to all the French divers in the box. – Randall Spallobert, Newcastle, England, UK

In the meantime, we would like to remind all that they are using RFID technology, not video technology, and they are using it to determine whether or not the ball is over the goal line, not what players may or may not be doing with their bodies.

I would like to use computers to determine when a player is playing a football game and he is thinking, “I can’t wait to get back to that site”. – Kaili van den Hofft, Gent, Belgium

Well, it depends upon which site he can’t wait to get back to, doesn’t it? If it’s Wikipedia, that actually might help him in his post-football career. But if it’s Fox News, it won’t, unless he wants Stephen Colbert to take credit for every goal he scores.

My friend and I want to get jobs in football. We were thinking about trying to become those people who walk around with the club mascot and throw T-shirts and stuff into the crowd, but now we want to be in charge of the video equipment that the refs are going to use at the youth World Cup next year. – Linsey Adams, Gent, Belgium

Shut up.