WEEKLY WHINE

Just what they want

A Malawian high court judge has ruled that 67 human rights groups in Malawi may monitor Madonna during her interim custody order, which allows fourteen month old David Banda to live with her family.

Of course, we run the risk of giving the celebrities just what they want: attention.

But Madonna is not the only celebrity who needs to be monitored. Tommy Cruise obviously needs to be monitored, because we don’t know the history of psychiatry and he does. Oprah Winfrey must be monitored to determine whether she is an actual human. And Angelina Jolie must be monitored. Reginald J Goober and Edvard van de Kamp have both volunteered for this task and will be fighting a cage match to settle the issue.

The GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] has evaluated a number of celebrities and has decided that the following organisations are to take responsibility for monitoring some of them, because the only thing less trustworthy than a celebrity is the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division.

US SECRET SERVICE

Will take responsibility for monitoring Barbara and Jenna Bush.

US HOUSE OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE

Will take responsibility for monitoring Barbara’s and Jenna’s purses.

THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART

Will take responsibility for monitoring Fox News. And it already does, so that’s lucky.

G14

Will take responsibility for monitoring Sepp Blatter, because apparently nobody else is willing to.

BAYERN MÜNCHEN

Will take responsibility for monitoring the G14, because apparently the only other individual willing to do so is Sepp Blatter.

CRANIAL MEASURING INSTITUTION OF AMERICA

Will take responsibility for monitoring Barry Bonds.

US CONGRESS

Will take responsibility for monitoring the executive branch of the US government. You know, like it was supposed to have been doing these last five years.

SAMUEL L JACKSON

Will take responsibility for monitoring Feyenoord fans, provided he says, “I have had it with this motherfucking misbehaviour in this motherfucking stadium!”