Schmilblick Patrol: David Stern

Edvard: Hey! Hi everybody! Hello! Thank you! Welcome! Welcome to GoobNet’s Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol, where the world’s leading newsmakers come to confess to their heinous crimes... and maybe earn a few goodies in the process. I’m really excited to have our first guest here today, so let’s meet him right now. He’s a New York attorney, he’s been involved with the NBA for nearly forty years, and he’s been in charge since 1984. Joining us today, please welcome the commissioner of the NBA, David Stern!

David: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: Hi David. Great to meet you.

David: It’s a pleasure to meet you, too.

Edvard: Welcome to the show, David. Want to meet our patrollers?

David: Sure.

Edvard: All right. Here they are. From Helena, MT, USA, we have Clarence.

Clarence: Hi there.

Edvard: From St Thomas, VI, USA, here’s Veizy.

Veizy: What’s up.

Edvard: And from Jacksonville, FL, USA, let’s meet Penny.

Penny: Evening.

Edvard: Welcome to all of you. So this is the part of the show, David, where we ask you to tell us your Schmilblick.

David: All right. My Schmilblick is: Why the NBA introduced the new basketball this season without consulting the players’ association.

Edvard: Why you introduced the new ball without consulting with the players’ association. Sounds good, and I think there are quite a few people who will also be curious about the answer. So, if the patrollers can figure out your Schmilblick, they’ll win a trip to Las Vegas for NBA All-Star Weekend in Feburary, where they’ll spend the weekend in a suite at the Palms, owned by Sacramento Kings owners Joe and Gavin Maloof. They’ll get tickets to the rookie game, to the Saturday night events, to the All-Star Game itself, and even to some of the most exclusive parties and events that will be going on around Las Vegas that weekend. So this is the biggest, most exciting package that we’ve ever offered on this programme. But David, if these patrollers can’t determine your Schmilblick in eighteen questions, you’ll win a trip to Jacksonville for Penny’s bowling league’s all star weekend in March. You’ll get tickets to nothing, because the bowling league’s all star festivities are free. So, patrollers, ready?

Penny: Yes.

Veizy: Ready!

Clarence: Let’s go.

Edvard: David, are you ready?

David: I’m ready, Edvard.

Edvard: Okay, let’s go on patrol! Clarence, you’re first.

Clarence: Hi.

David: Hi Clarence. How are you?

Clarence: I’m fine, David. Has this new ball been in development for long?

David: Well, what do you mean by “long”?

Clarence: Has it been in development for more than a year?

David: Yes, it has. Definitely.

Edvard: Okay, sounds like a good start. That’s one down and seventeen to go. Veizy, let us have your first question.

Veizy: Hi Commissioner.

David: Call me David. Please.

Veizy: Okay, David. Were you the driving force behind the new ball?

David: Well, no. Not me personally.

Edvard: Really? Interesting. So that’s two down and sixteen to go. But before we have our next question, let’s take a bit of time to get to know our patrollers. Penny, hi.

Penny: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: Are you from Jacksonville originally?

Penny: No, I’m not. I’m English. I’m from Rochester in Kent.

Edvard: Why is it that everyone who’s named Penny is English? Or they could be Australian. I think I’ve met a couple of Australian Pennies. So what were we talking about? What do you do there in Jacksonville, Penny?

Penny: I’m a student at the University of North Florida, studying applied mathematics.

Edvard: Are you a big basketball fan, then?

Penny: I am. I play on weekends, and I tried out for our basketball team.

Edvard: Did you make the cut?

Penny: I didn’t.

Edvard: What year are you in?

Penny: First year.

Edvard: You’ve still got some time yet. Bet you really want to win that trip to the All-Star Game, don’t you?

Penny: I really do, yeah.

Edvard: All right then. Let’s have your first question.

Penny: Hi David.

David: Hi Penny. How you doing?

Penny: Good, thanks. Um, David, have you played with your balls?

[Great laughter.]

David: Well, that’s a question I don’t hear very often.

Edvard: I’m pretty sure I don’t need to hear the answer.

Penny: Can I rephrase that?

Edvard: Nope. Too late.

Penny: Shit. I’m sorry, David.

David: It’s okay. I don’t mind. I just thought we were going to be talking about basketball.

Penny: Sorry.

David: So Edvard, I’m not that familiar with the rules, but can I answer the question she meant to ask instead of what she actually asked?

Edvard: Yes, please do. Why don’t you answer that question instead of, you know, the other one.

David: All right. Well, yes, I have played basketball with the league’s new basketball. It seemed fine to me.

Edvard: Okay, well, that’s three down and fifteen to go. Clarence, hi.

Clarence: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: Clarence, I wanna live. [pause] Anyone? It’s a Wonderful Life?

Clarence: I hate that movie.

Edvard: All right then. So, um, what do you do?

Clarence: Well, I edit the classified section of a local newspaper, and I also volunteer at a local centre for teenage mothers.

Edvard: Well, that’s terrific. Good to hear it. And I understand you’ve got a message for a special someone.

Clarence: That’s right, Edvard. That message is: Blargh.

Edvard: “Blargh”?

Clarence: Yes.

Edvard: That’s not like Baba Booey or anything, is it?

Clarence: No, no, it’s for my girlfriend. She knows what it means.

Edvard: Just as long as it doesn’t mean “Have you played with your balls”.

Penny: [covers face] Oh god.

Edvard: So anyway, Clarence, what’s your question for David?

Clarence: David, did the league get lots of money from Spalding for promoting its new basketball?

David: Well, I wouldn’t call it “lots” of money, but yes, we have been engaged in a partnership with Spalding for some time now.

Edvard: Okay. Four down, fourteen to go. Veizy, hi.

Veizy: Hi.

Edvard: What do you do for a living, Veizy?

Veizy: I am a chef at a local restaurant.

Edvard: Good. Tell us about your name.

Veizy: Well, I was conceived the day after my parents went to see 2001: A Space Odyssey. They had never heard the song “Daisy, Daisy”, so when it came time to name me, they said Veizy instead of Daisy. And it’s stuck.

Edvard: Okay, good. Let’s have your second question.

Veizy: David, was development of this new basketball ever... did it ever fall behind schedule?

David: Yes, it did. It was behind schedule earlier this year, but we were able to make the launch date this offseason.

Edvard: Okay. Well, that might help us down the line. In the meantime, that’s five down, thirteen to go. Penny, back around to you.

Penny: Okay. David, does your wife like the feel of your balls?

[Uproarious laughter.]

Penny: Shit.

David: You know, Edvard, I’m going to have to start watching this show more often. It’s certainly better than that Spurs-Warriors game we had the other night.

Edvard: I’m enjoying this show too.

Penny: God, and all my flatmates are watching too.

Edvard: Hi, Penny’s flatmates. Must be fun living with her.

David: Well, in answer to your question, Penny... what you meant to ask, at least – yes, my wife does like the way the new basketballs feel. And that’s my Schmilblick.

Edvard: What, really?

David: Yes.

Edvard: So the driving force behind these new basketballs was...

David: My wife, yes.

Edvard: So it is true that there’s a great woman behind every great man.

David: Well, she’s a great woman. I don’t think I qualify as a great man, though.

Edvard: Okay, well, you did it, patrollers. In only six queries, you guessed David Stern’s Schmilblick, and that means you’re all headed to Las Vegas for NBA All-Star Weekend!

Clarence: Yeah!

Edvard: That’s right. So enjoy Vegas, and whilst you’re there, feel free to get in as many jokes about the balls as you can.

Penny: All right, all right!

Edvard: Okay, well, we’d better just move on now. Thanks, David, for joining us, and thanks to our patrollers as well, and congratulations to you as well. So this is Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks. Good night everyone, and don’t forget to grab these balls! [holds up two NBA basketballs]

Penny: Stop it! Stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it!