WEEKLY WHINE

Not now, I’m coming on down

Pallas is swinging into a polarity with Saturn in Leo! Oh noes!

If this actually meant something to you, we are going to eject you from GoobNet.

Okay, for those of you who are still here, let’s laugh at those who think that astrology is actually meaningful. Keep in mind that the human brain contains some 100,000,000,000 neurons, and the interactions between these are far more likely to affect your life than whether Mars and Uranus are at an explosive confrontation. Even if you’re a nematode with only 302 neurons, those neurons are much closer to you than are Eris and Dysnomia. And for all of you whose brains are organised at least as much as that of a nematode, your life is not impacted by which planet combines with the Sun to “strike a balance between energies”; it is impacted by which pricing game on The Price Is Right is your favourite.

THAT’S TOO MUCH!
You are an outgoing, energetic person who likes to be seen and heard, and perhaps even smelled as well. You enjoy visiting people unless they live further than eight kilometres from you, in which case you give it a miss. Be careful this week because Lanisha is ascending at Big Door 1, which always causes problems for That’s Too Much!ians.

GOLDEN ROAD
Action is your middle name, or at least it should be. If it isn’t your middle name, go to your local city hall and file a change of name form immediately. Nothing will go right for you until you do.

STACK THE DECK
You are receiving quite a bit of positive energy from your pants, but if it starts to get uncomfortable down there, perhaps you should think about a more loosely fitting pair. There are still plenty of options for positive energy pants that don’t chafe.

SHELL GAME
You like to have things your way, though if you cheat and get away with it, you sometimes need to be reminded to take advantage of it. Your lucky egg is ostrich.

PATHFINDER
Today is a good day to be a Pathfinderan. The Dustbuster is at opposition with the Hot Pockets, and that means no Trivia Trap sounds for you today. Your lucky HTTP status code is 417 Expectation Failed.

½ OFF
Have you been feeling uncertain lately? Of course you haven’t, because the alarm clock radio is rising in the east, which means more positive energy for you, dear ½ Offian. During these next couple of weeks, you would do best to seek the company of a One Awayan, providing that you’re not in the midst of refinancing a mortgage.

PLINKO
Invite someone to come back to your place, bouncy bouncy. Remind them that you are no longer infected.

DICE GAME
Don’t panic. Not that you would or anything. It’s just, you know, “don’t panic” is pretty good advice for anyone, we’d figure.

10 CHANCES
You’ve got an exciting few days ahead, dear 10 Chancian. First you get this new luggage set! From Spamson, the first name in luggage, this six piece luggage set is handy and durable. And you can pack that luggage for your trip to exciting Rome! We’ll fly you and a guest round trip to Rome, Italy for a six night stay at the beautiful Palatial Gardens, located just steps from Vatican City and Rome’s best known sights. Your lucky number is zero – just as long as you always put it at the end.

DOUBLE PRICES
Yeah, right. Double Prices is your favourite? Double fucking Prices?! Come on.

3 STRIKES
You seek knowledge. Or at least you act like you do, which is actually better than most people these days.

RACE GAME
You should stop and smell the roses from time to time. Or at least stop to pull levers from time to time.

COVER UP
You are revealing some things but not others. But you might want to think about the choice of which things you’re revealing and which you’re not. That seems like the best way to go. Your lucky mathematical symbol is ∞.

IT’S IN THE BAG
The Oxford index cards are fast approaching conjunction with the Turntable, so you and your fellow It’s In the Baggies had better start planning for the future. Unfortunately, nobody knows what’s going to happen in the future, so just guess. You’re likely to be much closer than Walt Disney was, anyway. Seriously. Have you been to Tomorrowland lately? Nice try, but no. And don’t even get us started on Epcot Centre. Your lucky eraser is that big pink parallelepiped sort of thing.

ONE AWAY
Stop your incessant honking. It’s giving me a headache. What is this, Seventh Avenue in midtown Manhattan at 08:18 EDT?

TRIPLE PLAY
You almost never get all the way along.