WEEKLY WHINE

Let’s take some penalties

Penalty shootouts are the scourge of modern football. The fact that clubs have changed from organisations that want to win championships and perform as well as they can for their loyal fans to ordinary companies that want money, money, and more money without regard to how the team plays or whether anybody would actually want to watch them compete is also kind of irritating. But it’s penalty shootouts that are the real problem.

Even so, the Football League over in England have created a commission to examine the penalty shootout as a means of settling draws. As you are fully aware, we here at GoobNet have often discussed the way to settle football matches in which both sides have scored the same number of goals at the end of the match.

So, when the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] heard about the Football League’s commission, they decided that they needed to perform a similar investigation, but into what? Into the Football League, obviously.

WHAT IS THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE?

The Football League is a competition that includes 72 professional clubs in England and Wales, playing in three divisions. After each season, the best clubs in each division are promoted to the next higher division; the top two teams plus the winner of a playoff in the Championship are promoted to the Premier League, whereas the last two teams in League Two are relegated to the Conference.

WHY DOES IT NEED SHOOTOUTS?

It doesn’t.

THEN WHY IS IT FORMING A PANEL TO INVESTIGATE SHOOTOUTS?

Just to provide work for some of its members.

REALLY?

Yes.

BUT THEY MUST HAVE SAID SOMETHING DIFFERENT WHEN THEY ANNOUNCED THE PANEL.

They did.

WHAT DID THEY SAY?

They said that the game needs to be more exciting.

ISN’T IT ALREADY EXCITING?

It depends.

ON WHAT?

On whether Wolves are playing.

TEE HEE! THEIR MATCHES ARE FREQUENTLY LOW SCORING!

Yes, they are.

NO, SERIOUSLY, DOES THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE REALLY NEED TO INCREASE EXCITEMENT?

No, it doesn’t. Attendance is still climbing; leaguewide average attendance per match is up over 2,000 individuals from just four years ago.

IS THE LEAGUE LIKELY TO INTRODUCE SHOOTOUTS?

No.

WHY NOT?

The English hate shootouts.

WHY?

They suck at them. Penalties were England’s undoing in the 1990, 1998, and 2006 Men’s World Cups, as well as the 1996 and 2004 European Championships.

WELL, SHOULDN’T THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE HAVE SHOOTOUTS, SO THAT ENGLISH PLAYERS WILL GET SOME PRACTISE?

Practise?! What are we talking about? Practise! It’s not a game. It’s practise.