WEEKLY WHINE

Damn you, hard drive!

We here at GoobNet expected this to be a quiet, enjoyable holiday weekend, with no surprises or controversies. Little did we know what Fox had in store for us.

There apparently exists some programme called American Idol, in which some guy bitches about everything, some people sing other people’s songs, and then they drop some confetti. Anyway, on this programme a few days ago, they announced the “winner”, which must mean that, according to their definition, there is at least one non-loser.

But there was a gigantic controversy, and over what? The performance of the winner? The performance of the loser? The performance of Bette Midler? The driving performance of Paula Abdul? No, it was none of these things. To discover what it was, please attach this Kevlar armour to your body using the supplied duct tape as we prepare to open the GoobNet Mailbox.

Can you believe what happened? American Idol ran nine minutes over! My DVR didn’t record the ending! I have no idea who won except for all the news articles interviewing Jordin Sparks and asking how she felt about being the winner and what songs she’s going to record with her new contract! This is an outrage! I’m never watching that show again! When does the next season start?

– Heather Hallston
Cook, IL, USA

Why do we keep acting surprised each time someone complains about anything to do with a reality programme?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate my TiVo! It didn’t record the entire American Idol finale!!!!!!!! This sux so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the rest of the show was shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When’s next season?

– Lesuana Barbara
San Diego, CA, USA

Fox would like you to know that next season’s finale will be completed on time. They promise. And they didn’t wink or anything when they said the word “promise”.

I was sitting directly in front of my television screen the entire day and didn’t miss a second of coverage of American Idol. This was the most fulfilling day of my life. Jordin is a deserving champion, and we should all kowtow to her every whim. I cannot wait for next season.

– Tricia Wallisfutuna
Ventura, CA, USA

Stand by to begin kowtowing on my mark. Three... two... wait, hold on. Jordin said don’t start kowtowing yet.

American Idol is ruining my roommate Tricia’s life. She walked in the other day and pushed me out of the way so she could watch, like, 47 hours of shit about that show. So I moved out and took all my stuff with me, and then I set all of her underpants on fire, other than the ones she was wearing of course. I’m not sure she even noticed. All in all though, I feel Jordin was a deserving champion and I can’t wait for the next season.

– Patsy Southsandwich
Ventura, CA, USA

I thought you were different, Patsy!

American Idol is inferior in every way to America’s Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance, and Singing Bee. Especially Singing Bee. You should watch Singing Bee. Oh, and I can’t wait for the next season of American Idol.

– Lacie Hernández
South Boca Raton, FL, USA

Singing Bee has not even begun production yet. And when it does, we will firmly be planted at a football match somewhere.

Fuck you, Fox! First you cancel Family Guy, and then you toy with us by bringing it back and giving us American Idol, only you make the finale run over so that we don’t see Jordin’s performance at the end! I will never watch your network again! There are 419 other channels that I can watch instead, like Fox Movies, Fox Reality, Fox Sports Espanol, and Fox Family Guy Channel. By the way, when does the next American Idol start?

– Apricot Puscher
Charlottesville, VA, USA

The Fox Family Guy Channel is now available in over 3 homes nationwide, all of which belong to Rupert Murdoch or his relatives. Enjoy such brilliant programming as Peter Griffin’s Sideboob Hour, Crossfire with Stewie and Jillian, Brian the Love Doctor, Midnight Q, and Live from Meg’s Room, It’s Strip Poker.

Do men ever write in to GoobNet about American Idol? I can’t wait for the next season, if you’re interested.

– Stacey Wallesboro
Firepad, CA, USA

If they value their manliness, no. And we’re not interested.

I am very eager for the next season of American Idol to begin. Can we start kowtowing to Jordin Sparks yet?

– Davi Charles
Lansing, MI, USA

Shut up.