More shrieking

Nathan: Hi everyone! Hey, welcome to another GoobNet presentation of Whose Line Is It Anyway?! I’m Nathan, reminding you to help control the idiot population. Have your dumb kids spayed or neutered. Joining us tonight: She’s the new Saturday night, Amber Lynn!

Amber Lynn: [waves]

Nathan: He’s the new black, Reg Goober!

Reg: [salutes]

Nathan: She’s the new Olsen twins, Deb Harratsch!

Deb: What?

Nathan: And, he’s the new Edvard van de Kamp, Edvard van de Kamp!

Edvard: Grin.

Nathan: Hey, it’s good to have some new blood in here. Welcome, Amber Lynn.

Amber Lynn: Thanks. Before we start, I got something for you.

Nathan: Uh oh.

Amber Lynn: Yeah. Well, seeing as how it’s my first time on here, I’ve got this. [hands something to Nathan] It’s my cherry.

Nathan: Oh, I see. [drops cherry on floor, stomps on it]

Amber Lynn: [shrieks in ecstasy]

Nathan: [to camera] Hi kids! Hey, how come your parents left the porn blocker off?

Amber Lynn: What? There’s nothing dirty about that! You just broke my cherry, and I gave an orgasmic moan!

Nathan: Yeah. Perfectly clean. All you who thought anything else, that’s just sick. The way this works is, these folks are going to do some stuff, completely made up, right off the top of their heads. The suggestions are from these cards, which they’ve never seen before, or from the audience. And I give points, but they’re useless because I just pick whoever I like the best to be the winner, and as punishment, the losers have to do a scene with me. Which really means I lose too. Let’s get things going with a game called Superheroes. It’s for everybody, starting with Edvard. You’re going to be superheroes responding to some sort of world crisis, and you’re each going to name each other as the next one comes in. But y’all in the audience get to name Edvard. What’s Edvard’s superhero name?

Audience: Captain Breakfast! Mr Sarcastic! Always Thinks He’s Naked Man!

Nathan: Wait. Did you say “Mr Sarcastic”?

Some Guy in Audience: Yeah.

Nathan: Okay. Mr Sarcastic.

Edvard: Yeah, that’ll be funny.

Nathan: Sure, whatever. And now we need a worldwide crisis for Mr Sarcastic.

Audience: Jerry Springer’s kidnapped!

Nathan: That’s a crisis? All right. Just for you, Jerry Springer was kidnapped. Mr Sarcastic, the fate of trailer trash around the world rests on your shoulders!

Edvard: [yawns] Well, I’m here in my Fortress of Sarcastitude. Martha Stewart would just love the décor around here. Ring ring! [gasps] Why, it’s the Sarcastophone! It’s so much more convenient than a cell phone! [mimes picking up telephone] Hello? [pause] Steve, the security guy from Jerry Springer? To what do I owe this fantastic honour? [pause] What? Jerry kidnapped? That’s a crisis of gargantuan proportions! [pause] What? No, I’m not being sarcastic! Whatever would possibly give you that notion? I’ll get right on it! [pause] No, I really was being honest that time. I’m really going to go rescue him now. [mimes hanging up] It’s not like my super friends could help. They’d be completely useless.

Deb: Hey, sorry I’m late. I was sorting my pants.

Edvard: Thank god you’re here, Overexcited Price is Right Contestant Girl!

Deb: [jumps up and down] Oh my god! Oh my god! Can I give you a kiss?

Edvard: Sure, whatever.

Deb: [kisses Edvard’s cheek] I’ve been watching you every day for 47 years! And I’m only 25! Um... the five! No, wait! [looks at audience, holds up four fingers] Four? Eight? The eight, Edvard!

Edvard: You could use some coffee.

Amber Lynn: Hey, I got here as fast as I could.

Deb: Oh my god! It’s Lady Listerine!

Amber Lynn: [puzzled stare]

Edvard: Lady Listerine! You’ll be a perfect help if the guy who kidnapped Jerry Springer turns out to be a bacterium!

Amber Lynn: Hang on, I have to charge my powers. [mimes swishing mouthwash]

Reg: I followed Lady Listerine’s Eucalyptol-Signal here. What happened?

Amber Lynn: Thank god you’re here, Youtube Boy!

Reg: Yeah, I was just skateboarding down a stairwell. So what’s the matter?

Deb: Jerry Springer! He was kidnapped!

Reg: What? No. He’s at my place.

Deb: What?

Reg: Yeah, he was helping me organise my closet.

Edvard: Well, tell Jerry Springer to come out of the closet!

Reg: [laughs]

Amber Lynn: Then be gone, Youtube Boy! [mimes spitting mouthwash at Reg]

Reg: [jumps away] Whoooah!

Amber Lynn: I have to leave too. I’m going to my Dental Hygiene-mobile.

Deb: Dental Hygiene-mobile? What’s that?

Amber Lynn: It’s a new caaar!

Deb: [runs around stage shrieking]

Edvard: Well, it’s lucky we solved that world crisis! And all that screaming from Overexcited Price is Right Contestant Girl is such a turnon!

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Hey Deb, guess what I’ve got for you.

Deb: As long as it’s not your cherry.

Nathan: No, actually it’s ten thooousand points!

[Pause]

Nathan: I was hoping for some more shrieking.

Deb: So what else is new?

Nathan: [sighs]

Edvard: Is that what you tell all the girls? “More shrieking!”?

Amber Lynn: Yeah, I found that out already, and I’ve only been here a few weeks.

Nathan: Let’s move on to –

Edvard: I believe that’s also what he tells the clerk at the supermarket.

Deb: And the guy in the toll booth.

Nathan: All right, all right. Let’s move on to a game called Questions Only. It’s for everybody, starting with Amber Lynn and Reg. They’ll do a scene, but they can only talk in questions. If they say anything else, I buzz them out, and the other person replaces them. And this scene is about an impatient customer at... where?

Audience: Ice cream parlor! Airport! Model train store! Strip club!

Nathan: Strip club! I heard strip club. So an impatient customer at a strip club, only in questions. Go and start.

Reg: Are you going to take off your skirt or not?

Amber Lynn: [points to Reg] Isn’t the dancer supposed to be the one who gets naked?

Reg: When did this happen?

Amber Lynn: Aren’t you supposed to be a professional?

Reg: Don’t you know it’s my first day?

Amber Lynn: You didn’t do any training?

Reg: What would I have learned?

Amber Lynn: Do I need to show you?

Reg: Could you?

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Oh shit! Sorry!

Reg: Did you hear that?

Amber Lynn: What’s that supposed to mean?

Reg: Should I take something off now?

Amber Lynn: That would be good.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: Was the buzzer correct that time?

Reg: What should I take off first?

Edvard: How about the bra?

Reg: Why would I wear one of those?

Edvard: Oh, I’m in the wrong room. [leaves]

[Buzzer]

Amber Lynn: Why are you still wearing clothes?

Reg: Did I pass the test?

Amber Lynn: What do you think?

Reg: Um...

[Buzzer]

Deb: [mimes gyrating around pole] Is this hot enough for you?

Amber Lynn: Where’s my coffee?

Deb: Don’t you know the caffeine is bad for you?

Amber Lynn: Don’t you think I’ve got more pressing concerns right now?

Deb: Like what?

Amber Lynn: [mimes showing picture to Deb] Have you seen this?

Deb: Doesn’t that belong to him? [points to Reg]

Amber Lynn: Can you tell me what it is?

Deb: Isn’t it just a tiny version of a penis?

Amber Lynn: [laughs]

[Multiple buzzers]

Edvard: Can I see that picture?

Reg: See, it only looked small because you were so far away.

Deb: Two feet away?

Nathan: Deb, I’ll give you a thousand points for that. Amber Lynn, a thousand for you. And I lose a thousand for the premature buzz. So, ummm, how about a game called Whose Line. This one’s for Reg and Amber Lynn. Yeah, there’s actually a game called Whose Line. [hands envelopes to each] Reg, there are your lines, and Amber Lynn, there are yours. They’re going to – your skirt has a pocket?

Amber Lynn: Yeah. It’s got two.

Nathan: I don’t think I’ve seen a skirt with pockets before.

Reg: Well, maybe if you weren’t thinking about shrieking all the time...

Nathan: What the hell, all right? So they’ll do a scene, and as they go on they’ll use some of those lines we just gave them. The audience wrote them down before the show; they’ve never seen any of them before. So go and start.

Reg: So... are you gonna give us a scene, or...

Nathan: Shit.

Amber Lynn: Looks like someone had a little too much fun at the staff party.

Nathan: Yeah, speaking of which, you might want to stay away from the photocopier for a few days.

Amber Lynn: We don’t even have a photocopier.

Nathan: Anyway, your scene is a deleted scene from Pretty Woman. Richard Gere, played by Reg, discovers that Julia Roberts, played by Amber Lynn, also has a lot to teach him. So go and start.

Amber Lynn: So what the fuck are you in the mood for? Straight lay? Round the back? A Portland Packer? Downtown Express? A Double P?

Reg: What’s a Double P?

Amber Lynn: That’s where you get out your...

Reg: [disgusted face]

Amber Lynn: And then onto that, I...

Reg: [even more disgusted face]

Amber Lynn: Never mind.

Reg: I was hoping we could just talk.

Amber Lynn: The fuck do you wanna talk about?

Reg: Well, did you ever read The Importance of Being Earnest?

Amber Lynn: [shakes head]

Reg: There’s an important line from it that I always think of in situations like this. [reads paper] “What month are we in?”

Amber Lynn: What’s that fuckin’ mean?

Reg: Well, what month are we in now?

Amber Lynn: You mean now?

Reg: Yeah.

Amber Lynn: June.

Reg: Right.

Amber Lynn: So?

Reg: So, I’ve made it my life’s work to remember what month it is.

Amber Lynn: You’re full of shit. You know, my roommate told me about people like you.

Reg: What about people like me?

Amber Lynn: She said... [reads paper] “Beware the ides of my pants!”

Reg: Your pants?

Amber Lynn: Yeah. Well, not my pants, but you know, in general.

Reg: Okay.

Amber Lynn: Look, I ain’t just a fuckin’ whore, all right? I got, like, feelings, and opinions, and shit like that. Like when I was in high school. You know what the motto of my high school was?

Reg: What?

Amber Lynn: I think about it all the time. I spent my life trying to live up to its motto, and I always say it to myself every day before I leave the house. [reads paper] “Luke, I am your father.”

Reg: What does that mean?

Amber Lynn: [shrugs] I went to George Lucas High School.

Reg: You know, I think I understand you now. Would you like to stay here with me for a week while I’m in town?

Amber Lynn: I don’t know. I mean, I got shit to do, and...

Reg: Well, before you decide, just read this. [hands paper to Amber Lynn]

Amber Lynn: [reads paper] “Blue hair is such a turnon!”

[Buzzer]

Nathan: You’re damn right it’s a turnon. I think I’ll give both of you sixty nine points for that. And we’ll go on now to a game called Narrate. Deb and Edvard, it’s for you. In this game we’ll have them do a scene, and they’ll narrate the whole thing, film noir-style. It’s a scene set in a restaurant, and now we need a suggestion for a town where the restaurant is. An ordinary American town.

Girl in the Back of the Audience: [bellowing] Logan, Utah!

Nathan: The people have spoken. Logan, UT, USA. So go and start, Deb and Edvard.

[Film noir music]

Edvard: [to camera] Logan, Utah. A town I’d never heard of. But fate had conspired to bring me here. That, and a map taped to a dartboard.

Deb: [miming chewing gum] What can I getcha, hon?

Edvard: Do you have any house specials?

Deb: [looks around] This look like a special kinda place to you?

Edvard: No, I mean, do you have any house specials, [stares at Deb’s neckline] Lurleen?

Deb: [to camera] I knew what he meant. I just didn’t expect someone like him to be asking for it. [to Edvard] Listen, friend. I haven’t served that up in years.

Edvard: I’m aware of that. But I’d be willing to make it worth your while.

Deb: How’s that?

Edvard: Lurleen, I can get you out of Logan, Utah. I can get you to Park City, or Sandy, or even Salt Lake City.

Deb: [to camera] He knew my soft spot. He knew I’d been itching to get out of Logan, Utah, ever since I rear ended the mayor in my combination bulldozer/trench digger.

Edvard: What do you say, Lurleen?

Deb: [hesitantly] Could you take me to Bountiful?

Edvard: Just what is that supposed to mean?

Deb: Well, I have a cousin there.

Edvard: [to camera] Finally it hit me. The house specials, Bountiful, the cousin. It was all making sense. [to Deb] Holy shit! Detective Lurleen Sanderson, Logan Police Department, Special Events Division?

Deb: I haven’t been special events for a long time, hon.

Edvard: Why, what division are you in now?

Deb: Well, you see, I’m... undercover now. [to camera] I knew it was probably a mistake to tell him too much about my job. I still remember what happened last time. [to Edvard] Look, this is hard for me to talk about.

Edvard: You can tell me, Lurleen. I’ve always been here for you, you know that.

Deb: All right. I’m investigating idiot losers who sit around in greasy spoons all day looking for the detectives who found the evidence linking them to the expired milk.

[Pause]

Edvard: So have you found any?

[Buzzer]

Nathan: One thousand points to Lurleen, the waitress who used to be a forensics expert.

Reg: Coming up next on Homicide: Life in Logan, Utah...

Edvard: Look at this evidence we found at the crime scene! A blood stained Utah Jazz ticket stub!

Deb: I quit the force when I realised they needed more shrieking.

Nathan: Hey, all right? Now let’s get to a game called Party Quirks. It’s for everybody. Amber Lynn, you’re hosting a party. The others are your guests, but they all have a bizarre quirxtericst or – fuck.

Reg: We all have a bizarre fuck?

Edvard: Suddenly I’m more interested in this game!

Nathan: Goddammit. They all have a bizarre quirk or characteristic on those cards, which they’ve never seen before. They’ll each come in on the doorbell, and –

Edvard: Are you trying to fuck with me, or do you just do it by accident?

Nathan: Yeah, I can’t wait to see yours, Edvard. Amber Lynn will try to figure out what they are. So go and start the party, Amber Lynn.

Amber Lynn: [mimes twisting something tall] Just a sec. I’m screwing in the stripper poles. Wow, this is gonna be my best party ever. Chips, dip, Dramamine. We’re all set.

[Doorbell]

Amber Lynn: Ooh! [mimes opening door] Hi. Come on in, Reg. I know the pool out back looks inviting, but it’s actually Jell-O.

Reg: [Tom Cruise gradually speeding up] Hhhhhiiiii Aaaaaaamberrrrrr Llllyyyyyynnnnnn.

Amber Lynn: Um... hi.

Reg: Iiii jjjjusssst waaaannnnteeed aa lliitle bit of hummus, because I have a girl that I’m really in love with. I just love her so much and we have a kid and we’re just in love and everything’s great.

[Doorbell]

Amber Lynn: I’m sure it is. Hang on a sec. Deb, come on in. Can I take your coat?

Deb: [Thinks people’s chests are scratch-off lottery cards] Sure, would you?

Reg: [running around stage, bouncing up and down] I love my wife! She’s great and fun and great and likes stuff and she’s great and –

Deb: Hold still! [mimes scratching Reg’s shirt] Lemon... lemon... cherry. Damn!

[Doorbell]

Amber Lynn: Yeah, I’m disappointed too. Hey Edvard! What did you bring me? Something good, I hope.

Edvard: [Personification of a struggling television show begging not to be canceled] Hi Amber Lynn. Thanks a lot for coming in and giving me a chance today. I know things haven’t gone so well this season. I know I went through 43 different writers, but I think we have the right group now.

Amber Lynn: Well, good for you.

Reg: [very fast] My next movie’s gonna be great and I love her and our kid’s great and she has a stupid name but she’s great and we’re all really happy and we’re great...

Amber Lynn: Reg, thanks for coming to my party as a guy who speeds up the more he drinks.

Nathan: Not quite. He speeds up –

Amber Lynn: When he’s excited?

Nathan: Kind of. He’s someone in particular speeding up.

Reg: Youshouldseeallmymovies! I’mnotcrazy! IbelieveinScientologybutI’mnotcrazy!

Amber Lynn: Oh, Tom Cruise.

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Tom Cruise speeding up, right.

Deb: Ooh! The super jackpot card! [advances toward Nathan]

Nathan: [runs away]

Amber Lynn: Um, can I get you any...

Edvard: Hey, sorry, me again. Look, I know you’re busy, and I won’t take any more of your time than I have to, but I just want to point out that my ratings have actually been trending upward these last few weeks. I think with a different timeslot, I could really be one of the best shows on this network.

Amber Lynn: And you’re a producer of a show that’s being cancelled.

Nathan: [at far end of stage, cornered by Deb] Close!

Amber Lynn: The star? Writer?

Edvard: People are watching me, I promise! Can you just give me a few more episodes?

Amber Lynn: Wait. You are the show being cancelled?

Nathan: Right! [breaks for desk]

[Buzzer]

Deb: [mimes scratching Amber Lynn’s chest] Damn! They always give you four in a row, but not the fifth!

Amber Lynn: Um... yes, that’s true.

Deb: I gotta play one more. [mimes scratching] Come on, three cherries!

Amber Lynn: Deb, are you just dense, or do you think there’s a scratch-off lottery card in my tits?

[Multiple buzzers]

Nathan: Okay, that’s it, and the winner is Amber Lynn! Amber Lynn, you won, and that means you come over here and take a nap [stands up], whilst we get to do a game called World’s Worst. We’ll all stand up here and come forward as we come up with examples of the world’s worst what, Amber Lynn?

Amber Lynn: You must be the world’s worst movie directors.

Nathan: Okay, let’s go and start, and then Amber Lynn will buzz after each one.

Reg: Yeah, I kinda dropped the film, and it got mud all over it. We’re gonna have to start shooting over from scene one.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: That was perfect! Do it just like that, only with this giant fruit hat on your head.

[Buzzer]

Reg: Hi. You might have seen my previous film, Gigli –

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Okay, I know some of you have done Hamlet before, but this time I’d like to put a new spin on it. I give you... Hamlet in interpretive dance! [does strange dance moves]

[Buzzer]

Edvard: I’m the king of the world! [pause] And then you hit the buzzer.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: Thank you.

Deb: Okay. Your motivation is: you don’t want me to fire you and replace you with that Swedish chick I’ve been banging.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: Cut! [pause] What? No, nothing was wrong with the scene. I meant, I have a cut on my thumb. See?

[Buzzer]

Edvard: I have a fever. And the only prescription is... more shrieking!

Nathan: Fuck you.

[Buzzer]

Deb: Put on this blue wig and start shrieking!

[Buzzer]

Nathan: God dammit! What the fuck is your fucking problem, you assholes! I have had enough of this fucking shit! [storms off stage]

[Buzzer]

Deb: Um, I don’t think he was doing a scene.

Reg: Is he coming back? [calls off stage] Hey, are you coming back?

Nathan: [off stage] Go fuck yourself, you son of a whore!

[Multiple buzzers]

Amber Lynn: Well, since I’m at the desk, I guess I get to decide who reads the credits. Edvard, you get to read the credits as Mr Sarcastic responding to the crisis of Nathan leaving. Good night!

Edvard: Oh no! This is a tragedy of monumental proportions! Reg Goober and Deb Harratsch are certainly going to be concerned at this! There will be panic in the streets! Not even Amber Lynn will be able to keep order today! If only there was someone capable to replace him! If only we already had someone who wrote for GoobNet frequently and served in an editorial position, such as, for instance, as the editor of porthole.goobnet.net! Where could we ever find such a person?