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FILLING YOUR NON-SEQUITUR NEEDS SINCE 1997

WEEKLY WHINE

Gloveline

Hi. As you know, GoobNet excels in the area of Halloween parties that are supposedly attended by well known celebrities. Ours will take place next weekend at a secret location on a Pacific island. But not one of those high class Pacific islands with a possibility of a coup. It’s actually more of a Pacific island that you can sail to from Los Angeles. You could probably row to it, for that matter.

Anyway, do you need help organising your Halloween party or selecting your Halloween costume? Why not ask the experts?

Because they’re too busy handling people with money? Oh. Well, then, you should probably just ask us then. Tell you what. We’ll have a special edition of the GoobNet Mailbox: Gloveline!

See, it’s because Halloween costumes might include gloves.

Oh, forget it.

GoobNet is well known as a football advocating website. What sort of football related costumes can you recommend?

– Bradley Haughtley
Chasefield, England, UK

Well, there are a variety of choices. Let’s start with costumes for men.

FOOTBALL RELATED COSTUMES FOR MEN

Dave Beckham’s physiotherapist: Just like a generic doctor’s costume, only more expensive. And carry around a set of Dave’s medical records. If you don’t have a set of Dave’s medical records, you’d better get to know his real physiotherapist, or just steal his medical records. If you go this route, be sure to obtain a set of license plates that read ASSMAN so that you can pose as a proctologist. And even if it doesn’t work out, you can at least go to the party as a proctologist.

José Mourinho: Obtain a suit, and then tear the lapel, as though a Chelsea pin had been hurriedly removed. Optionally carry a sign around reading WILL COACH FOR PRAWN SANDWICHES.

Greg Ryan: Wear a US Soccer polo shirt. Spend the entire evening chatting up a girl who seems dependable and trustworthy, and then suddenly ditch her for your ex.

FOOTBALL RELATED COSTUMES FOR WOMEN

Nicole Petignat: Wear a referee’s kit with a FIFA patch. Listen for the call of “Party foul!”, which indicates that someone has spilled their drink. Find the offending party, and then show a yellow card to the person on whom the drink was spilled, not the person who actually spilled it.

The US women’s national side: This requires a friend or two. One of you wears a US goalkeeper’s jersey with the number 18. The others wear field players’ jerseys with other numbers, and with fake icicles on the shoulder that is facing the one dressed as Hope Solo.

Cecilia, the Galaxy’s assistant trainer: Wear Galaxy warmups and carry around a duffel bag with trainers’ equipment. Remark to everyone you meet at the party how much you enjoy putting your hands on Landon’s and Dave’s legs.

I live in an off campus house at my college, and I’ve been trying to get the attention of this guy who also lives in the house. He’s too focused on his classes, and he barely notices me at all. With our big Halloween party coming up, I want to do something that will really get his attention. What do I do?

– Nara Welthisqui
Berkeley, CA, USA

First, do not assume that he will attend your house’s Halloween party. He might have a class that evening.

Offer to help him study. If he accepts, show up at his room at the appointed time, wearing a pair of glasses. And nothing else.

If he declines, it is probably because you are in a completely different field than he is and would know nothing about the material he is studying. In this case, make him some cookies, or at least buy them at a store. Bring them to his room, wearing a pair of oven mitts. And nothing else.

I have a particularly tough problem that I think maybe you can help with. My friend is American, and every year he hosts an American-style Halloween party. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, last year, his sister visited from America. I was real drunk, and she was curious, and the two of us ended up sleeping together. Then the next morning she was gone, and I’ve not seen her again. But her brother says she’s coming back for his Halloween party this year, and he said she was looking forward to meeting me again. And the truth is, I’m really looking forward to meeting her too. I know I’m straight, because I’ve only been with men before and since. But I’ve been thinking about her ever since last year’s party, and I keep feeling like I want to have a more serious relationship with her. My friend is real broad-minded, but I don’t think he’d like it if he found out that I was going out with his sister. And it would be a real long distance relationship anyway. What is the matter with me?

– Codi Swansea
Gold Coast, QLD, Australia

There is nothing the matter with you. Edvard wants to make that absolutely clear.

Seriously, though, you are indeed in a difficult situation. Allow us to lay out your options.

  • Your first choice is to avoid the party altogether, which will disappoint your friend and his sister, and will probably lead to problems in your relationships with both.
  • You could attend the party and be perfectly cordial to the girl but keep your pants on; this would disappoint her but would leave him none the wiser.
  • You could resume your once-a-year secret romance with her, which would make everyone happy but would leave you and her both wanting more.
  • You could offer to take your relationship with her to the next level. Since we cannot predict her reaction, this course of action is difficult to assess. If she accepts, you then face another decision as to whether the two of you want to maintain the veils of secrecy or reveal your relationship to her brother.

We can rule out the first two options, because they leave nobody better off. Since the third option makes you and her both wonder what might be, that arguably leaves the two of you worse off. The fourth option, of course, is highly dependent upon her reaction.

We know that she is also looking forward to meeting you again, and we can assume that she is not merely interested in a social call. But does she want a second one night stand, or would she be receptive to a more serious relationship?

The first time you fucked her, she disappeared whilst you slept. At first blush this would seem to suggest that she’s not interested in you. But if this was her first sexual encounter with another woman, she may simply have needed some time to sort out her feelings. Or, is she infatuated with you but too shy and nervous to stick around in the morning, fearing what you may be like in normal life?

The only way to answer these questions is to take her into the bedroom again. Have a night of hot, passionate sex with her, and tell us all about it. If you wake up in the morning and she’s not there, that means she’s only after your body. If she’s still in the bed with you, ask when you can see her again, and take it from there.

And it’s very important that you write to us about it, not to Penthouse Forum.

You know what would be really funny? Going to a Halloween party as Richard Simmons portraying Professor Dumbledore!

– Blake Isaacs
Jersey City, NJ, USA

That would be kind of funny, we suppose.

Even so, shut up.

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